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New FIRE CANNOT KILL A DRAGON Excerpt: The Battle of Blackwater

2020.09.28 16:57 colourfulsevens New FIRE CANNOT KILL A DRAGON Excerpt: The Battle of Blackwater

From Vanity Fair: https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2020/09/game-of-thrones-book-excerpt-blackwater
It’s hard to remember now, but there was a time when Game of Thrones couldn’t afford to stage a battle. For all its groundbreaking, world-building ambition, the HBO fantasy drama’s 2011 debut season struggled to populate even modest crowd scenes on its $6 million-per-episode budget. Yet going into the show’s sophomore year, GoT producers were faced with the challenge of depicting one of saga author George R.R. Martin’s most colossal events: the Battle of the Blackwater, the climax of his second Song of Ice and Fire novel, A Clash of Kings.
Below is an exclusive excerpt from the new book Fire Cannot Kill a Dragon—an uncensored, behind-the-scenes account of the making of Thrones, from its earliest meetings to the airing of its series finale, by Entertainment Weekly editor-at-large James Hibberd. Here’s how the GoT team pulled off an episode that forever changed the series—and, arguably, television as well.
The first season of HBO’s Rome focused on two legendary military leaders, Julius Caesar and Pompey Magnus, and their journey from allies to warring enemies. Just before their climactic battle, Caesar, with familiar-sounding insight, declared, “We must win or we die.” What followed was a few seconds of blurry close-up images, such as a sword hitting a shield in slow motion. In the next scene, Caesar returned wearily to his tent. “Send to Rome,” he said. “Tell them Caesar won.” Then Caesar took a nap, exhausted from all his fighting we did not see.
Before Game of Thrones, the work-around used by Rome was pretty typical of how battles were shown on television—a lot of buildup, then perhaps some fragment of the larger conflict.
The climax of Martin’s A Clash of Kings, however, was precisely what the book’s title suggested: a monumental campaign, detailed across five chapters, where self-declared king Stannis Baratheon led an invasion of King’s Landing from the sea while Tyrion took charge of King Joffrey’s capital defenses. Like many of Martin’s conflicts, the battle was weighted so there were reasons to support both sides. You wanted Tyrion to prove himself as a leader and survive, but you also wanted the illegitimate and psychopathic King Joffrey to lose. Stannis wasn’t likable, but he admittedly had a rightful claim to the Iron Throne, and his armada included the ethical Davos Seaworth.
In Martin’s novel and the show, Tyrion set Stannis’s approaching ships aflame using a stash of napalm-like wildfire. But in the book, Tyrion also constructed this massive chain that was hoisted across Blackwater Bay so that when…well, let’s have Martin tell it.
“There’s a giant chain strung across the bay so Stannis can’t get away and they are trapped in the flames,” explained the author, his eyes excitedly alight. “Boats are slamming together and get locked together so they form a temporary bridge across the river. Stannis has a huge army on the south side of the river and he’s trying to get them across. So when the bridge of boats is formed, his men start rushing across. And the defenders have built three huge trebuchets flinging wildfire across at them. Then Joffrey starts flinging the bodies across the river of traitors who were planning to sell the city out…”
It was all supremely epic, highly complex, and precisely the sort of sequence that Martin thought was only possible to stage in a reader’s imagination.
Up until this point, Game of Thrones had avoided filming battles. But season one’s Battle of the Green Fork and Battle of the Whispering Wood had not been crucial to portray in the story. “Some battles work fine off-screen,” showrunner David Benioff said. “Season two was so much about a country at war, we felt like if we didn’t see the most important battle of this entire war onscreen, we were going to be shortchanging viewers.”
There was just one problem. Actually, there were many problems, but one particularly huge problem: There was no possible way to stage a major battle sequence with the show’s season two budget. The showrunners had also promised HBO their series didn’t need big wartime sequences and had even put that pledge in the public record. “It’s not a story with a million orcs charging across the plains,” Dan Weiss told the Hollywood Reporter in 2008. “The most expensive effects are creature effects, and there’s not much of that.”
“Not much”—except depicting thousands of ships on fire and armies clashing on sea and land in a sequence that would blow out the budget of a feature film, let alone a TV show.
Game of Thrones had reached a pivotal moment, and it was before the production was truly ready. The outcome of this challenge would define the series. The showrunners knew Blackwater was only the first of several increasingly massive spectacles in Martin’s books. Thrones was either going to continue as a character-driven drama with an occasional sword fight or direwolf, or it was going to evolve into a television-cinema hybrid unlike anything Hollywood had seen. At the time, an episode of Thrones was typically shot in about two weeks, but even a downsized version of Blackwater would need a minimum of three, plus additional funds for staging the on-the-ground action, extra cast, and special effects. The producers needed a multimillion-dollar stipend and, just as critical, to establish a clear precedent with the network and their fans that would make future battles not only possible, but expected. The Thrones team didn’t want Julius Caesar taking a nap.
Dan Weiss (showrunner): We were nervous, really nervous, going into the second season, about that episode. There was talk of turning Blackwater into a land battle, which would have been terrible.
David Benioff (showrunner): Or doing it off-screen.
Dan Weiss: “M’lord, have you heard? They’re at the bay!”
David Benioff: We went down on bended knee: “Just this once. Please.”
Dan Weiss: We begged and pleaded with Mike Lombardo. We were negotiating. We had a big conversation about how many boats could we do.
Michael Lombardo (former HBO programming president): The question was, could you have a sophisticated, grounded drama, [with] fantasy tropes, and have epic battles? Could you do it all?
After considerable back-and-forth, Lombardo agreed to give Thrones an additional $2 million to stage a version of the battle, which included an extra week of filming. But the battle was still unworkable on paper. The episode’s writer was Martin himself, so the author was tasked with the painful duty of downsizing his own vision while trying to maintain the fight’s most crucial aspects—to keep the horses and Stonehenge, so to speak.
George R.R. Martin (author, co-executive producer): We had to scale down Blackwater considerably from the book. They told me right at the start that the bridge of boats would be impossible.
Christopher Newman (producer): What you see on the screen is 10 times removed from not just the book but the first outline. Compromise was set in pretty early on.
One easy adjustment was setting the battle at night instead of day. Nighttime filming meant the production could save on having to pay for special effects to render detailed backgrounds and also helped the battle’s visual storytelling (it made the flaming arrows and exploding boats look cool, in other words).
The producers also decided to make the battle as subjective as possible. Scripting scenes around the perspective of a single familiar character would help keep the audience engaged in the story while reducing the number of expensive wide shots of the battle that would require showing masses of ships and soldiers. Though this filming style was born from solving a budget problem, it would become a unifying element across all Thrones battles.
David Benioff: There’s the vast, epic way of shooting a battle, where you see an army of a hundred thousand and an attacking army of 200,000. There’s also the kind of more ground’s-eye view, where you’re an infantryman and you’re running out there with an ax or a sword. You’re just kind of seeing what’s directly in front of you. And that can be a really visceral way of shooting a battle. We were trying to get it to feel real and gritty and dirty.
Dan Weiss: Any time you read any military account of an actual soldier’s experience of battle, whether it was in ancient Rome or all the way up to Vietnam and beyond, it’s never, “Then this flank moved over here and that flank.” It’s always, “This was a chaotic clusterfuck and I didn’t know which way I was going and I was half the time not sure if I was shooting at my own guys.”
And yet, even with the Blackwater battle cut down to its barest necessities, the plan still didn’t fit their schedule.
George R.R. Martin: We had a director who kept saying, “Cut this! Cut that! I can’t make the day.” I kept removing elements and it was getting to the point where it was getting as bad as the jousting tournament.
And then, just a few weeks before filming, the director had an unexpected family medical emergency and had to drop out. “I’d done quite a lot of work prepping that episode,” the director said. “Very sadly, I had an illness in the family and I had to leave. I knew I was leaving them with a difficult time, but it was absolutely unavoidable.”
Now the production had another tough problem. After all their pleading and negotiation with HBO for the money and latitude to stage a climactic battle, they were less than a month from shooting and didn’t have a definitive plan or a director.
Bernadette Caulfield (executive producer): That was my first year on the show and probably my first fight with David and Dan. They were like, “Oh, let’s get so-and-so.” I said, “Ninety percent of this is action. We need somebody who really knows action. It’s not easy. We should really look at Neil Marshall.”
David Benioff: Neil did Centurion and Dog Soldiers, movies where the guy is doing an incredible amount of really impressive action on a very thin budget.
Bernadette Caulfield: And other directors kept being mentioned and I kept saying, “I’m telling you, we need an action director!” Then David calls me up. At the time we didn’t know each other that well. And he goes: “Okay, Bernie, we’re going with your idea to hire Neil.”
I swear to God, my stomach dropped. I’m like, “Wait, my idea? This is a community decision!” I hung up the phone and I thought, Shit. Now it’s my idea. I’m responsible for this guy doing our first battle.
Neil Marshall (director): I was aware of Game of Thrones when season one was happening. I thought, This is really my kind of thing, and had my agent contact HBO and say, “If there’s any chance, I’d like to be able to direct an episode.” Their response was like, “We have our directors, thank you very much.”
Then a year or so later on a Saturday morning, I got an emergency call from Bernie to come and fix a situation that, from what I gathered, was a bit out of control. She asked if I would like to direct an episode. I was like, “Absolutely!” I’m thinking this will be in few months’ time. Then she said, “It’s on Monday morning and you’ve got one week to plan.”
David Benioff: Neil had never seen the show before. We gave him a crash course on season one and talked to him about the story constantly. But he was such a fast learner and so enthusiastic and just fell in love with it. He ended up being a great choice.
Neil Marshall: Dan and David weren’t like, “This is it and you just gotta do it.” They wanted ideas. Military history is a hobby of mine, so I brought a sense of strategy to the battle. Because in the script, 40,000 people arrive on a beach and they stand around a door. They had all this stuff at sea and the green fire, but once they got to the beach, it wasn’t really clear who was trying to achieve what. Stannis basically marshaled the whole battle from the beach. I felt that that wasn’t really in character and wasn’t interesting. I was like, “They can’t just stand around, they have to be doing other things, and we have to get Stannis in on the action.”
George R.R. Martin: Neil Marshall reversed everything the previous director said. Marshall was like, “Put in more.” He put so much back that I’d previously taken out and even added some stuff I hadn’t thought of. He was the hero of that episode.
Neil Marshall: I invented the boat that came in and was turned upside down with a battering ram suspended underneath to batter the gate. By bringing the ladders and the grappling hooks, it gave the scene more sense of purpose. And we had Stannis climb the wall and have a good fight up there and cut somebody’s head off.
Once filming began, the challenges did not let up. The episode marked the first of several grueling nighttime battle shoots for the Thrones team. Such sequences would test the cast and crew’s physical and mental stamina, and their ability to perform at their best in an environment that was universally described as torturous.
Neil Marshall: With the exception of the action on the boat, it was all shot in Magheramorne quarry, where it was pouring with rain in October, freezing cold with mud up to our knees. There was an overall draining factor for everybody involved. Particularly for the extras, who just have to stand around in the rain. I was worried it would look like we were doing the cliché of a battle in pouring rain, but it’s real rain and we couldn’t do anything about it.
Christopher Newman: It was moving like a locomotive. There was no way of stopping. Whatever we didn’t finish on time wasn’t going to be in the film. And the conditions were horrendous.
Eugene Michael Simon (Lancel Lannister): We had three days of rain. On the fourth day it stopped. Suddenly everybody was like, “Oh shit, what are we going to do?” Because the continuity wouldn’t match and we had tons of stuff to do. What happened was the most elaborate example of adapting I’d ever seen on a film set: There was a natural salt lake at the bottom of the quarry, but the water in it was below freezing—it didn’t ice over because it was salt water. They ran a fire hose from the bottom of this freezing cold lake, and had a man hold a fire hydrant at the top of the wall for that scene where Tyrion is giving his speech—“If I’m half a man, what does that make you!?” The deadly cold water from the lake was fired up into the air so it would rain down on us while Peter had to expertly give this pro speech. You can see our breath evaporating since we’re all freezing and it looks like we’re in the North.
Dan Weiss: Peter Dinklage in those scenes doesn’t have to act tired because by four o’clock in the morning he’s had 41-degree rain pouring on him for eight hours straight. He is bleary, weary, and tired. It was miserable.
Neil Marshall: But Peter was quite giddy that he was going to get out and start hitting people with an ax. He was really excited about leading this army and chopping a guy’s legs off and stuff like that. It was a nice change for the character rather than, you know, drinking and whoring and whatever else.
Peter Dinklage (Tyrion Lannister): Some people rely on drunk, funny Tyrion. Funny and drunk lasts only so long.
George R.R. Martin: Tyrion’s speech on the steps, pretty much verbatim from the books: “There are brave men out there, let’s go kill them!” I love that scene.
Peter Dinklage: You gotta have a certain amount of confidence to pull that type of stuff off. I make it not my confidence, but the character’s confidence. So maybe that might seem like I’m confident? It’s really just the fact that this character, Tyrion, is sort of confident. I guess.
The battle scenes were intercut with Cersei awaiting her fate in Maegor’s Holdfast, with the queen regent becoming intoxicated and mocking Sansa.
Lena Headey (Cersei Lannister): It was one of the first times we see Cersei so brazen. She’s usually pretty snaky. Being drunk and thinking she may die, she’s just letting Sansa have it direct. It’s like this masochistic mentor relationship where she can’t help but torture Sansa. And I think that’s driven by envy that you see in her views. And frustration that, as women, we’re stuck. You know what I mean? She thinks she’s helping her. But yeah, she’s just horrid.
Neil Marshall: I remember talking to Lena and saying, “Cersei is basically acting like the drunk aunt at a wedding. It’s like she’s had a few too many drinks and can’t control her mouth.” She was like, “I know exactly what you mean.”
Headey could empathize with Cersei’s envy. Her character told Sansa, “I’d rather face a thousand swords than be shut up inside with this flock of frightened hens.” Headey likewise longed for bona fide action scenes.
Lena Headey: I kept begging them for a sword and a horse.
For the scenes in Blackwater Bay, the team constructed a boat in an entirely unremarkable “car park” (a.k.a. parking lot). The sea was added later with visual effects. The boat is probably the show’s biggest and most repeatedly used visual-effects cheat. Every sailing boat seen in the show—Baratheon, Targaryen, Lannister, or Greyjoy—is actually the same boat (except for the bow of Euron Greyjoy’s Silence). So while most of the Blackwater cast was filming in a quarry, [Liam] Cunningham was in a car park, eyeing an approaching “barge” filled with deadly wildfire.
Liam Cunningham (Davos Seaworth): In reality that barge was just a little thing [about six feet long] with two pipes leaking green liquid out of it while two guys pushed it up the car park.
In the episode, Bronn fired a burning arrow to ignite Tyrion’s wildfire trap. The resulting massive green explosion consumed the bulk of Stannis’s fleet and blew away viewers. Finishing the effects by the episode’s air date went down to the very last minute.
David Benioff: We were turning in VFX shots on “Blackwater” a week before airing. HBO quality control got the tapes with 20 minutes to spare [before the deadline].
George R.R. Martin: When the wildfire explodes, it’s glorious. It’s one of my favorite episodes of the show. Certainly my favorite of the four I wrote [throughout the series].
Christopher Newman: “Blackwater” was a litmus test on whether we could pull things off. We had done something we didn’t think was possible. The confidence that came out of doing it set the tone for the subsequent seasons.
Liam Cunningham: Neil texted me a review from Rolling Stone that said, “This is possibly the best hour of television that’s ever been made.” And Neil, who had never done television before, wrote, “Not bad for a first-timer.”
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2020.09.17 22:10 Philosopher9264 Character Profile: Silas

Name: Silas Colvin Ecrivain
Date of Birth: 1786 (Hellborn)
Date of Death: N/A
Personality: Manipulative, Cunning, Calculating, Patient, Mannerly, Intelligent, Placid, Altruistic, Methodical, (somewhat) Affable
Occupation: Overseer
Sexuality: Demisexual
Role in Hazbin Hotel: Villain, Anti-Hero
Family: N/A
Friends: Vox, Velvet, Charlie, Vaggie, Nifty,
Enemies: Frederick Von Eldritch, Rosie, Cherri Bomb, Sir Pentious, Arakniss
Romantic: Hecate (former wife - deceased)
Powers: Umbrakinesis, Xenoglossy, Regeneration, Genius-level intellect, Charisma, Master Manipulator, Deception, Teleportation, Body-Manipulation, 4th-Wall Breaker
Likes: Flora, Theatre, Knives, Reading, Tea, Salty Foods, Blues and Gothic Music, Remembering his Wife, Pranking Kreig, Insulting Megan, Playing the Piano, Writing,
Dislikes: Ignorance, Liquor, Coffee, Drugs and Alcohol, Failure, Heavy Metal, Ice, Action Movies,
Head-canon voice actors: Aidan Gillen, Peter Dinklage, Kevin Spacey, Bill Nighy
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2020.07.13 18:41 reasonedof List of post GOT cast projects and current status (updated/updating/feel free to add/clarify)

*I know this is incomplete but it's like 1am here (Nathalie, Pedro, etc). Will come back to, or feel free to help.
This is projects that were either completed/in post production, not new and upcoming stuff (we could probably do with a thread for that) that is in various states of distribution. Most of it is going to VOD.
Emilia Clarke
Kit Harington
Peter Dinklage
Lena Headey
Maisie Williams
OK quite a lot:
Sophie Turner
· Survive is on Quibi. It's complete. You can also watch it on a big screen now through Airplay etc. She is also on one "bit” of The Princess Bride but it really is about 30 seconds and available on YouTube.
· Did a film Broken Solider – completed early 2019 – I don’t think this is going to get any sort of release. Has no distribution deals anywhere or festivals scheduled.
· Had another film Heavy shown at the Deauville American Film Festival in France a bit under a year ago. Doesn’t have any distribution deals - these can take a while - but this wasn't a big festival in the first place.
Nikolaj Coster Waldau
· Did a TV pilot post VOD (Gone Hollywood). Has definitively not been picked up.
· Has an indie film called The Silencing going to DirecTV in the US on July 16th (so this week). No distribution I can see outside of the US. This is in English.
· Exit Plan (also known by multiple other names) came out on VOD/streaming in most regions over the course of the last two months. I have seen this – it is a bit of a hybrid of Danish/English.
· Has a film called A Taste of Hunger (in Danish) which I believe is getting Scandinavian telemovie release next year
· The Day We Died (in Danish) – this has a had a cinema and VOD release in Denmark and I don’t think is getting anything wider.
Gwendoline Christie
This is kind of convoluted. Basically the only person who has much in theatres:
· The Personal History of David Copperfield – probably the closest to an awards contender - this is super convoluted but has been released in the UK and is now at VOD status, is at the top of the box office in Australia and I think is getting a slow release in different regions BUT is owned by Disney/Searchlight in the US and is supposed to be out next month (this is PG and could probably also go Disney+ or Hulu).
· In Fabric – small A24 in the US horror film that is in either first or re-release cinemas in some markets even now and VOD in others.
· A Midsummer Night’s Dream – this is a filmed stage production that was in limited release pre COVID and is popular to the extent of petitions for a digital/DVD release. Got massive numbers on a week of streaming (National Theatre is doing some sort of experiment). Is already in re-release in some theatres.
· The Friend – this is complete as was in film festivals in 2019 – this has a stack of distribution deals including one in the US with Roadside (Lionsgate offshoot) – will probably? Get a mix of VOD and theatrical releases (apparently Fall 2020)
Alfie Allen
· TV: White House Farm. This also has Gemma Whelan in it and Mark Addy (both in quite big roles) and Alfie in supporting. This has already been on ITV in the UK and Foxtel in Australia and has a deal with HBO Max in the US but I haven’t seen any press that it’s dropped yet? (I binged this. I really liked it)
· How To Build A Girl – this was meant to get a Lionsgate release in the UK but is going to Prime, and it got a very tiny drive-in release in the US which is now complete and I think is going to streaming. This doesn’t have much in the way of distribution deals elsewhere so I think will end up on VOD/streaming (probably Prime)
· Night Teeth – this was a commissioned Netflix film which is listed in post-production but I could have sworn I heard Alfie say in an interview was interrupted (he was filming this in March) Netflix stuff can have quite a long period in production so I would assume 2021 if it is completed.
· Jojo Rabbit – this won Best Adapted Screenplay at the Oscars earlier in the year. This was largely at the tail end of its theatre run right at the edge of COVID and should be on VOD nearly everywhere but I believe is still showing in NZ cinemas because Taika Waititi.
John Bradley
· Is in Marry Me, a Universal film with J-Lo. I think John finished filming some time ago but I saw an interview with J-Lo only about six weeks ago indicating there’s still some work/reshoots on this so I don’t think this is super-close
-Also did a project with Mark Addy - come back to me on this one.
Richard Madden:
· See – Kit with the Eternals
· Had been announced for a (high end and pricey mini series called Citadel) with Priyanka Chopra but I don’t believe there’s any indication this was complete pre COVID
Michelle Fairley
· Is in Gangs of London, which was very popular in the UK (I think somewhat unexpectedly). Should be rolling out in other regions across various providers soon.
· Did a show called The Feed which should be on Amazon in most regions but doesn’t looked to have gone to Season 2
Joe Dempsie
· Wrapped a series called Adult Material for Channel 4 in the UK a year ago so probably isn’t far away. Probably won’t get distribution outside UK as far as I can see.
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2020.06.16 16:14 LundgrensFrontKick Adam Sandler said he would make a terrible film if he didn't win a Best Actor Academy Award for Uncut Gems. To help him out, I analyzed his films and their movie posters to come up with a perfectly bad Sandler film entitled 'Jacked Up'

Adam Sandler said he would make a terrible film if he didn't win a Best Actor Academy Award for Uncut Gems. To help him out, I analyzed his films and their movie posters to come up with a perfectly bad Sandler film entitled 'Jacked Up'
Earlier in the year, Adam Sandler was a guest on Howard Stern’s show to discuss his starring role in the excellent Uncut Gems. During the interview, Sandler made a joke about what would happen if he didn’t win the Best Actor Academy Award. He told Howard:
“If I don’t get it, I’m going to f–king come back and do one again that is so bad on purpose just to make you all pay. That’s how I get them.”
In a bad news, bad news situation, Sandler wasn’t nominated, and he’s promised to make a terrible film (I’ll still watch it a few times regardless). In an effort to assist the Sandman with his terrible film, I dug through all of his films and analyzed their posters to come up with the objectively worst Sandler picture that could be made. Here it is:
  • Jacked Up
  • Directed by Dennis Dugan
  • Written By - Tim Herlihy
  • PG-13
  • Running Time: 135 minutes
  • Released on Netflix
  • Predicted Tomatometer score - 6%
  • Predicted IMDb score - 3.75
Adam Sandler plays a personal traineshoe salesman named Jack Goodheart who is married to Janet Goodheart (Also, Sandler, using a very off-putting voice). They travel to an exclusive resort in Costa Rica to attend his 30th high school anniversary during the fourth of July weekend. During the event, Rob Schneider (playing a terrorist) and his team of henchmen, hijack the event and take everyone hostage, including State Senator Chuck Finley (Terry Crews) and presidential candidate Casey Fitzpatrick (Maya Rudolph). During the melee, Jack and Janet escape, and the two use their past military experience and buff physiques to save the day. This PG-13 action-comedy is entitled “Jacked Up” and ends with a jet ski chase at the hotel’s lazy river pool that circles the hotel. The film is directed by Dennis Dugan, and co-stars Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, Salma Hayek, Terry Crews, Steve Buscemi, Taylor Lautner, Luke Wilson, Peter Dinklage, Maya Rudolph, and Al Pacino.
Here's the first fan made poster. I'll add as more people share. Thank you Kelkith
Here is another fan made poster! Thank you TreMetal
Another very fun poster!
This is how I came up with the storyline. I pulled together his best and worst films to find patterns that appear. Here are Sandler's lowest rated films on Rotten Tomatoes and IMDb. I drew a lot of inspiration from them. Also, I tried to make this as objective as possible.
  • The Ridiculous 6 (0% TM) - Action Comedy - Action hero
  • Jack and Jill (3% - 3.3 IMDb) - Two Sandler's - Jet Ski scene - Married - Holiday
  • Grown Ups 2 (7%) - Reunited with old friends - Married
  • Bulletproof (8%) - Action comedy
  • The Cobbler (9%) - Shoe repairman
  • The Do-Over (10%) - Action Comedy - Reunited with old friend - Married
  • Grown Ups (10%) - Reunited with old friends - Holiday - Married
  • Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights (12%)- Takes place during a holiday
  • Blended (14%) - He’s a dad who travels to Africa
  • Going Overboard (1.8 IMDb) - Lots of terrible boat action
  • The Week Of (5.1 IMDb) families get together for a wedding
  • Sandy Wexler (5.1 IMDb) - Sandler pulls a unique voice (which isn’t statistically a good thing
Here’s all I research I compiled to create Jacked Up
  • A trademark of Sandler’s latest movies is that he likes to travel to beautiful locations to film (which is brilliant, and why not?). The Do-Over, Just Go With It, Blended, Grown Ups 1 & 2 and Murder Mystery are examples of his penchant for travel. The problem is, the films have a lower Tomatometer average (21.2%) than the films where he didn’t travel to nice locations (37.4%). This is why he travels in Jacked Up.
  • Sandler has several directors that he enjoys working with. Those Directors are Steven Brill, Dennis Dugan and Frank Coraci. Steven Brill (20%) has a lower Tomatometer average than Dennis Dugan (24%) and Frank Coraci (30%). However, Dugan is responsible for Jack & Jill, so I’m giving him the director’s chair. He did direct Happy Gilmore, so this could backfire on me. Frank Coraci directed The Ridiculous 6, but, I love the baseball scene and he also directed The Waterboy and The Wedding Singer.
  • Aside from You Don’t Mess With the Zohan (which is brilliant, and has a fun jet ski action scene), His action comedies are lackluster. Bulletproof (8%) and The Do-Over (9%) didn’t win him many points. That’s why Jacked Up features an action-centered plot.
  • His films featuring him as a married man have a 29% Tomatometer average. Movies featuring him as a single man have a 38% Average. Thus, the marriage to himself (think Jack & Jill) is included. It’s a double whammy
  • I picked Tim Herlihy to write because he wrote The Ridiculous Six, Grown Ups 2 and Pixels (8% average). I do love his Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, The Wedding Singer and The Waterboy scripts though
  • His PG-13 (29%) rated films have a lower Tomatometer average than his R (51%) and PG-rated (45%) films. For Netflix, M rating = R and TV-14 = PG-13
  • I included a pool because in Airheads he is a pool cleaner who thinks about swimming pools. Also, Grown Ups, The Do-Over, Jack and Jill feature swimming pools. They have low scores.
  • Movies that feature Sandler doing a voice have a lower Tomatometer score (24.8%) than his regular voiced roles (36%).
  • None of his Fresh films feature a jet ski - 50 first Dates (45%), Jack & Jill (3%) and You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (37%) are all Rotten
  • In The Ridiculous Six, Grown Ups, The Do-Over, and Bulletproof he plays a totally capable man who isn’t an underdog like he is in Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore. So, he can’t be a doofus during the action scenes.
  • Randomly enough, Rob Schneider shouldn’t adopt some kind of stereotyped character because his makeup-less roles have a lower Tomatometer average (27.6%) than his stereotyped roles (32%).
  • His lowest rated movies on IMDb are Going Overboard (1.5), Jack & Jill (3.3), The Ridiculous 6 (4.8), Sandy Wexler (5.1) and The Week Of (5.1) - These movies feature water exploits, gun fights, weird voices, two Sandlers, and large gatherings. These things are all in Jacked Up.
  • *Bulletproof (*$25 million), Little Nicky ($39 million) and Blended ($46 million) are a few of his lowest grossing comedies. In these films, he uses a wild voice, goes on vacations and engages in action shenanigans. I left out movies like Spanglish and Reign Over Me because they aren’t traditional Sandler comedies. Also, Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore weren’t huge earners. However, they established him as a force of nature.
  • His first or last name couldn’t begin with an “R” - Howard Ratner (Uncut Gems), Henry Roth (50 First Dates), Robbie Hart (The Wedding Singer).
WHAT DOES THE POSTER NEED TO LOOK LIKE?
  • He cannot be centered on the poster. His best films Punch Drunk Love, Happy Gilmore, Funny People and Uncut Gems feature him centered on the poster. The Wedding Singer, Reign Over Me and The Meyerowitz Stories don’t have him centered. However, the movie posters that have centered have a 48% Tomatometer Average. The Posters that have him on the left have a 30% Tomatometer average. I’m going with that.
https://preview.redd.it/actfhq081a551.jpg?width=1000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9c8031c0894460b3d33ee218f96d31e80abcd3df
He' rarely centered in his "worst" films
https://preview.redd.it/7592qqi41a551.jpg?width=1000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ff647a066806a5dfbf516fd83ebff761d79621dc
  • There needs to be multiple people on the poster. When Sandler is alone on a poster, his movies have a 42% Tomatometer average. The movie posters with 4+ people have a 20% Tomatometer average. More is good.
  • In this poster he needs to be holding something random. In The Cobbler poster he is holding a coffee cup (this is important) and the movie has an 8% Tomatometer score. In The Wedding Singer (microphone) and Happy Gilmore (golf club) and The Waterboy (bucket, helmet) he is holding items related to his character. He needs to be holding something weird (like a can of sponsored coca-cola). Also, the posters that feature him holding an item (31%) have a lower Tomatometer score than the posters featuring him not holding anything (42%).

https://preview.redd.it/l6mzirud1a551.jpg?width=1000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d8ccf8ee14641d421c38e2c0775f00299e517d83
  • It’s best if his entire body is on the poster. The movie posters featuring a full-bodied Adam Sandler have a lower Tomatometer average (31%) than his partial body posters (43%).
  • Ideally, the title would be in the center, because Jack & Jill and The Ridiculous Six have somewhat centered titles.
Poster
  • Title centered
  • Sandler(s) on left side - Full body
  • At least six other characters on the poster
There you have it! I can't wait to watch Jacked Up.
If you like this random post, make sure to check out my other random data on Reddit.
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submitted by LundgrensFrontKick to movies [link] [comments]


2020.05.25 10:20 kittenwolfmage Commander's Log: XCOM Playthrough - Post 1

Too fucking early, 28th Feb, 2015
The phone was ringing.Who the fuck was calling me at this hour?*Click*"WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"".. Oh, ugh, sorry General, no I didn't.. yes sir, I know that's the thir.. shutting up Sir"....."XCOM? Sure, it's one of those joke clauses they put in to see who reads their contract, like the superpowers thing."....."Not a joke clause? XCOM is real? General, I didn't think you were allowed to make jokes like thi...""You honestly expect..""Invasion already started? REALLY Sir?.. Yes, I know how high my scores were... Your SECOND choice of Project Commander? Then why are you talki.. Sir, how long ago did the invasion start?""TWENTY ONE HOURS AGO?? And you've already fired the first guy? What in the hell.. Not relevant, of course Sir"...."Well yes, I've been to Africa, I visited in my 20s while backpacking... Really? Sir, why is the last defense of humanity against alien invaders based in AFRICA?"....."Really? Budget? Seriously? They're the only country that would fork out the money to fund us? What in the hell was every other countr... Ah, of course, politics, budget and re-election campaigns, gotcha.""Yes sir, judging by the noise outside the transport has arrived, I'll report in once I read Africa"
Commander's Log2am, March 1st, 2015
So, I've arrived in XCom HQ, damn this place is weird, we've got high tech holographic computers but the troops are still equipped with weapons a decade out of date.
I had to take command of a mission basically the second I landed, a guy introducing himself as Officer Bradford came charging up the landing pad and dragged me to Mission Control, babbling about a four man squad sent to retrieve some weird alien canisters that the scientists said was valuable.
Four troops. Apparently XCom works in spec ops squads. Makes sense I guess.
I was so jetlagged out I can't even remember which country the mission was in, let alone the city, but the cameras on the Skyranger dropship gave me a good view of a small building compound with a few cars parked in it.Hell, some bored driver even drove past the site and glanced through the fence at the troops, apparently missing the aliens.
Note to self, ask the techs why they can't just mount some guns on the Skyranger rather than relying on troops with assault weapons.
So, the squad has fanned out into the courtyard and started sneaking forward, though Trooper Adams decided she'd sneak off to the side a bit further and take another entrance.
Trooper Maundrell has spotted the canister we were after and headed straight for it, using a van as cover, while Ivanov and Cordes took cover behind a park bench and kept their eyes peeled.
Shockingly enough as Maundrell got to the canister and tagged it for transport he spooked a couple of aliens who could see him through a window.Seriously, real live goddamn aliens, I still half thought all this was a joke. Hell, I *still* thought it was a joke until they brought the damned corpses in.Anyway, these aliens looked like a cross between ET and Peter Dinklage, though I've never seen either with guns that shoot green energy bolts. Dunno why the hell the squad called them "X-Rays" though.Note to self, ask why.
So these two ETs have retreaded away from Maundrell, no surprise since they're half his height, and Trooper Cordez has just taken a casual three round burst at one of them through the glass wall, textbook snap shot, three rounds to the head, clean kill.The other one ducked behind a desk. Good to know the Aliens are cowards, or at least worried that our weapons can hurt them.
Ivanov and Cordez take a few shots at the one behind the desk and wound it but that's about it. So Maundrell smashes through the window, ducks behind a dining table of all things and takes a shot, riddling the desk with bullets but not much else.Evidently desks are better cover than tables because the ET pops up and blasts Maundrell right in the face with an energy bolt (which one of the scientists has now informed me is plasma). I'll pay this at least, he's tough and didn't go down from it.
Meanwhile Adams has ducked through the door to check out the other side of the place and spots two more of them, one doing some, and I quote "Weird glowy thing" that seemed to make another one quicker and more alert.So she's done the only logical thing to do in that situation and ducked through a cubicle to a flanking position about two meters from the hopped up space alien and shot it in the back. Didn't take it down but damn it must have hurt.
Maundrell has then acted in true action movie style, dropped his assault rifle, pulled his pistol and walked (dripping blood and bits of burned flesh) over to the other side of the desk from the wounded ET, told it to say its prayers, pointed his pistol at its oversized head and pulled the trigger.And missed.From two feet away.
Cordez and Ivanov have then rolled their eyes at each other and split up, Ivanov moving up to the window and letting a spray of bullets into the hopped-up glowing one that Adams had injured and putting it down, Cordez waltzing up to the one Maundrell had failed to touch and let loose, leaving it splattered over the floor.
The remaining ET has ducked into a corner to hide so Adams has moved to the other side of the kinda flimsy internal wall, bashed on it and screamed, then calmly shot the ET in the back of the head when it bolted for the nearest door and straight into her line of fire. She'll be getting a promotion, that's for sure.
So the squad secures the canisters and bugs out, dragging the ET bodies and remains of their weapons (which apparently self detonate linked to a dead man's switch) with them.Cordez gets promoted to Support trooper, Ivanov snags an Assault shotgun while grinning like the devil, Adams gets signed up for Sniper training and Maundrell gets a nice long stay in the medbay.
Everyone got back alive, so I'd say that's a good first mission all things considered.
Oh, and I checked the video feed of my predecessor's efforts. He got all bar one member of the squad killed by walking them straight into a crossfire.How the hell did he get first dibs on the job? I should look into that.
submitted by kittenwolfmage to u/kittenwolfmage [link] [comments]


2020.05.24 10:57 kittenwolfmage So I found my old XCom - Enemy Unknown Lets Play writeups with my friends as troopers. Here's the intro and first mission I wrote up :D

Too fucking early, 28th Feb, 2015
The phone was ringing. Who the fuck was calling me at this hour? *Click* "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" ".. Oh, ugh, sorry General, no I didn't.. yes sir, I know that's the thir.. shutting up Sir" ..... "XCOM? Sure, it's one of those joke clauses they put in to see who reads their contract, like the superpowers thing." ..... "Not a joke clause? XCOM is real? General, I didn't think you were allowed to make jokes like thi..." "You honestly expect.." "Invasion already started? REALLY Sir?.. Yes, I know how high my scores were... Your SECOND choice of Project Commander? Then why are you talki.. Sir, how long ago did the invasion start?" "TWENTY ONE HOURS AGO?? And you've already fired the first guy? What in the hell.. Not relevant, of course Sir" .... "Well yes, I've been to Africa, I visited in my 20s while backpacking... Really? Sir, why is the last defense of humanity against alien invaders based in AFRICA?" ..... "Really? Budget? Seriously? They're the only country that would fork out the money to fund us? What in the hell was every other countr... Ah, of course, politics, budget and re-election campaigns, gotcha." "Yes sir, judging by the noise outside the transport has arrived, I'll report in once I read Africa"
Commander's Log 2am, March 1st, 2015
So, I've arrived in XCom HQ, damn this place is weird, we've got high tech holographic computers but the troops are still equipped with weapons a decade out of date.
I had to take command of a mission basically the second I landed, a guy introducing himself as Officer Bradford came charging up the landing pad and dragged me to Mission Control, babbling about a four man squad sent to retrieve some weird alien canisters that the scientists said was valuable.
Four troops. Apparently XCom works in spec ops squads. Makes sense I guess.
I was so jetlagged out I can't even remember which country the mission was in, let alone the city, but the cameras on the Skyranger dropship gave me a good view of a small building compound with a few cars parked in it. Hell, some bored driver even drove past the site and glanced through the fence at the troops, apparently missing the aliens.
Note to self, ask the techs why they can't just mount some guns on the Skyranger rather than relying on troops with assault weapons.
So, the squad has fanned out into the courtyard and started sneaking forward, though Trooper Adams decided she'd sneak off to the side a bit further and take another entrance.
Trooper Maundrell has spotted the canister we were after and headed straight for it, using a van as cover, while Ivanov and Cordes took cover behind a park bench and kept their eyes peeled.
Shockingly enough as Maundrell got to the canister and tagged it for transport he spooked a couple of aliens who could see him through a window. Seriously, real live goddamn aliens, I still half thought all this was a joke. Hell, I *still* thought it was a joke until they brought the damned corpses in. Anyway, these aliens looked like a cross between ET and Peter Dinklage, though I've never seen either with guns that shoot green energy bolts. Dunno why the hell the squad called them "X-Rays" though. Note to self, ask why.
So these two ETs have retreaded away from Maundrell, no surprise since they're half his height, and Trooper Cordez has just taken a casual three round burst at one of them through the glass wall, textbook snap shot, three rounds to the head, clean kill. The other one ducked behind a desk. Good to know the Aliens are cowards, or at least worried that our weapons can hurt them.
Ivanov and Cordez take a few shots at the one behind the desk and wound it but that's about it. So Maundrell smashes through the window, ducks behind a dining table of all things and takes a shot, riddling the desk with bullets but not much else. Evidently desks are better cover than tables because the ET pops up and blasts Maundrell right in the face with an energy bolt (which one of the scientists has now informed me is plasma). I'll pay this at least, he's tough and didn't go down from it.
Meanwhile Adams has ducked through the door to check out the other side of the place and spots two more of them, one doing some, and I quote "Weird glowy thing" that seemed to make another one quicker and more alert. So she's done the only logical thing to do in that situation and ducked through a cubicle to a flanking position about two meters from the hopped up space alien and shot it in the back. Didn't take it down but damn it must have hurt.
Maundrell has then acted in true action movie style, dropped his assault rifle, pulled his pistol and walked (dripping blood and bits of burned flesh) over to the other side of the desk from the wounded ET, told it to say its prayers, pointed his pistol at its oversized head and pulled the trigger. And missed. From two feet away.
Cordez and Ivanov have then rolled their eyes at each other and split up, Ivanov moving up to the window and letting a spray of bullets into the hopped-up glowing one that Adams had injured and putting it down, Cordez waltzing up to the one Maundrell had failed to touch and let loose, leaving it splattered over the floor.
The remaining ET has ducked into a corner to hide so Adams has moved to the other side of the kinda flimsy internal wall, bashed on it and screamed, then calmly shot the ET in the back of the head when it bolted for the nearest door and straight into her line of fire. She'll be getting a promotion, that's for sure.
So the squad secures the canisters and bugs out, dragging the ET bodies and remains of their weapons (which apparently self detonate linked to a dead man's switch) with them. Cordez gets promoted to Support trooper, Ivanov snags an Assault shotgun while grinning like the devil, Adams gets signed up for Sniper training and Maundrell gets a nice long stay in the medbay.
Everyone got back alive, so I'd say that's a good first mission all things considered.
Oh, and I checked the video feed of my predecessor's efforts. He got all bar one member of the squad killed by walking them straight into a crossfire. How the hell did he get first dibs on the job? I should look into that.
submitted by kittenwolfmage to Xcom [link] [comments]


2020.04.19 20:08 CozyGhosty It’s Always Snowy in Montreal — Episode 02: ‘Woolie Makes a Snuff Film’ (SCRIPT)

PREVIOUS EPISODE
4:51 PM
On a Friday
Somewhere in Montreal, QC
Fade in — Subway interior
[The zaibatsu are shown standing together, waiting for the metro to arrive. Matt and Pat are engaged in a heated argument while Woolie and Liam stand to the side pretending as if they don’t know them]
MATT: You can’t ACTUALLY believe that, right? You’re fucking with me, surely.
PAT: Believe what you want to believe, man. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you once shit goes down. First Beastars, and now Animal Crossing? In such a precise window of time? Nope, no way that’s a coincidence.
[Matt throws up his hands, exasperated]
MATT: Furries are NOT brainwashing the general population!
PAT: I NEVER SAID IT WAS BRAINWASHING. They’re just—They’re softening us up. Drip-feeding little bits of furry propaganda into pop culture, until all of a sudden, one day, WHAM — Justin Trudeau says it’s legal to fuck dalmatians.
MATT: People have been making furry cartoons and shit for decades and you’re only taking issue with it now?
PAT: That’s the thing, though! They’ve been playing the long con! It all started in the 80’s with Thundercats. Now, that was just them dipping their toes in the water, because those characters were mostly human… but then Redwall happens…TMNT…Space Jam…Zootopia…and now look at us with Beastars: Teenage girls worldwide want to bang that stupid sexy deer wearing the blazer.
MATT: I don’t—
PAT: I mean, you want hard, concrete evidence? Look no further than the Sonic fandom. Tens of thousands of hours have been spent drawing fan-art of Sonic getting impregnated and pissed on! That poor hedgehog has suffered all manner of buggery and cock and ball torture at the hands of his sexually confused, thirteen year old playerbase and did SEGA discourage that behaviour? No, THEY MADE AN OFFICIAL GAME WHERE YOU CREATE YOUR VERY OWN SONIC OC. They knew EXACTLY what they were doing.
MATT: THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE THOUGH. WHAT COULD THE GOVERNMENT POSSIBLY GAIN FROM TURNING THE WORLD INTO FURRIES?
PAT: Lizard-men.
MATT: …C’mon, man.
PAT: I’m serious. They’ve been biding their time, waiting in the shadows and slowly but surely warming us up to the prospect of living with animal-people. Y’know, some cute comics here, a game there. Then, when they finally integrate with society, we’re meant to welcome them with open arms!
PAT: Well, I’m not falling for it, Matt. Everyone thinks living with anthros would be fun and whimsical, like a Disney movie. Then one day you get in a fender bender and a fucking SHARK fucking WALKS out of the Volvo you just hit! There wouldn’t be enough free space in my pants to handle how much I’d shit myself. Besides, you really want to live in a world filled with sentient horse-men? None of us could ever get a girlfriend again! They have cocks the size of baseball bats! If they learn how to not think all stupid it’s game over for the rest of us. ‘Horseporn.com’ would go from a funny punchline to a harbinger of humanity’s fate.
[Woolie, sensing that the argument is about to devolve into an embarrassing slap-fight, intervenes and attempts to divert attention away from the ongoing discussion]
WOOLIE: SO — Uh, you mentioned Animal Crossing. How about that, huh? There’ve been so many big games coming out lately!
[Just as Woolie says this, three men arrive to stand beside the Zaibatsu on the train platform. Two of the men have hockey jerseys worn atop several layers of polos, each collar individually popped. The third man notably has pink dreads and all designer clothing]
[one of the polo boys smacks Woolie on his shoulder]
MAN #1: AHAHA! Yo, I heard you mention the ‘big game.’ You excited for tonight, bro?
WOOLIE: Uh, I don’t—
MAN #2: DAWG, it’s going to get crazy. McDougall’s been on fire this series, but you KNOW he’s gotta be feeling that tear in his ACL. And with the Scarborough Beavers having such a hella strong defence, that’ll really hurt the team tonight, ‘nam sayin’?
WOOLIE: I think there’s been a—
[the man with the pink dreads stumbles forward, holding a white styrofoam cup with suspicious purple liquid sloshing around inside]
PINK DREADS: Skrr skrrrrr skrrrrr, ayy yuh. Hunnid on my wrist. Brrr. Brrr. Skinny bitches. Hrrrnng.
[One of the other strangers gestures to his unintelligible companion]
MAN #1: That’s the homie, Lil BigPlanet. He said that ‘those four gents look to be an affable sort’ and that he’s ‘interested in hearing your predictions concerning tonight’s sporting event.’
WOOLIE: Yeah, I’m sorry, uh, what was your name?
MAN #1: The name’s Vance Chadrick. My friend here is Tevin — JUST Tevin. And you already met the homie Lil Bigplanet. His real name’s Demetrius but he don’t like to be called that on account of his tragic upbringing.
[Lil Bigplanet ‘Skr skrr skrrrs’ forlornly]
*WOOLIE: Right. Well, Vance, there’s been a misunderstanding. We were actually talking about ‘big games’ in general, not any one particular big game.
TEVIN: Hol’ up… you mean, like, Scrabble or some shit?
WOOLIE: No, like…like VIDEO games…haha.
[Vance and Tevin share a pointed look before bursting out laughing]
VANCE: VIDEO GAMES? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, BRO?
TEVIN: For a minute there, we thought you were some real ones. Turns out you’re just a bunch of man-children.
VANCE: One time, when I was eleven, my moms bought me a Burger King meal and it came with a free video game demo disc. I didn’t even eat the food, because I was afraid some DWEEB might’ve rubbed off on my fries.
[Tevin reaches out and grabs Woolie by his collar, pulling him closer so they’re face to face]
TEVIN: Just so you know, I’d be saying some real homophobic stuff to you right now if it weren’t for me having grown as a person in the past few years. The old me would have implied that liking video games was ‘gay,’ and in so doing would be implying that being gay made you lesser. BUT I’VE SINCE LEARNED THAT IS NOT THE CASE BECAUSE MY LITTLE BROTHER DAVE GOT MARRIED TO HIS LONGTERM PARTNER JUST LAST SUMMER AND IT WAS AN ENCHANTING EVENING.
VANCE: Yeah, talk your shit, Big Tev! We’re socially conscious bullies, that’s our gimmick!
TEVIN: But I don’t need to judge you by your race, sexual preference or economic status. My counsellor says that’d be a micro-aggression…but he didn’t say anything about MAJOR AGGRESSIONS.
[Tevin lunges forward and punches Woolie right in his solar plexus, doubling him over and bringing him to his knees, wheezing]
[Liam rushes forward to see if Woolie is alright]
LIAM: What the hell, guys?! How can you even hate video game so much when you’re hanging out with a guy named fucking ‘Lil Bigplanet’?
LILBIGPLANET: Ice in my cup, ice on my wrist. Ice on my neck, ice on my bitch…
TEVIN: The homie, Lil BP, says that the name was purely coincidental, and that his lawyers are currently in talks with Sony...He also called you a pussy, bruh.
[The three men step over Woolie’s body and board the metro that just arrived]
TEVIN: It’s been real, nerds. We have a big game to get to, not that you’d know the feeling.
VANCE: YEAH, LATER FAGS.
[Tevin punches Vance in the arm and says ‘We talked about that word, yo.’ as the doors close and the metro speeds away]
[Once the train has long since left earshot, Matt calls after it: “YEAH, YOU BETTER RUN.”]
[Pat goes over to help Liam hoist Woolie to his feet]
PAT: Sorry, man. I would have helped you…but then that would have put ME in danger and I…well, I just didn’t want that.
[Woolie angrily brushes the dirt off his pants and clutches his stomach]
WOOLIE: I’m just so sick of people thinking we aren’t real men because we aren’t into sports.
MATT: I go lawn bowling with my gram-gram sometimes, so don’t group me in with you guys…
WOOLIE: And it’s not like I’m completely clueless! I box a little, y’know? I used to play football! You remember?
PAT: Yeah, you killed that one guy.
LIAM: Killed that guy one time, yeah…
WOOLIE: It’s just—watching sports is so…boring! If they made a sport that was more exciting, maybe we wouldn’t—
[Woolie’s eyes shoot open and he looks at the other guys excitedly]
WOOLIE: What if we just made our own sport?!
PAT: No no no. C’mon. We’ve dabbled in theft and human trafficking but sports is where I draw the line, Woolie. I still have nightmares about gym class. My thighs would rub together and—
WOOLIE: We aren’t the ones that’ll be playing it, dipshit! We CREATE the most radical sport of all time! Then, not only will we have something dope to watch, but people also won’t be able to belittle us for not knowing anything about sports anymore!
PAT: I really don’t think—
WOOLIE: Plus, we’ll make a load of money from it!
PAT: I’ve decided to help you because you are my dear friend. But… we don’t know anything about sports. How’re we going to…make one?
WOOLIE: Sports are just games! Our JOB is literally just playing games! If your typical meathead can understand the intricacies of sports, how hard could it be for us to make one of our own?
TITLE CARD: ‘Woolie Makes a Snuff Film’
INTERIOR: HIGH SCHOOL GYM
[Woolie and Pat are alone in an empty gymnasium. Pat is dressed as he usually is, whereas Woolie is dressed in a weirdly formal tweed suit. Pat is sitting in a fold-up steel chair and Woolie has set up a projector along with several slides]
PAT: So, uh…what’re we doing here, man?
WOOLIE: I’ve spent the past several weeks creating and perfecting the ULTIMATE sports experience. I’ve prepared a small presentation to show you the finished product.
PAT: No, sure and I’m super excited and all but…what’s with the suit?
WOOLIE: Well…figured it’s a big moment, so I dressed up for it.
PAT: …but it’s just the two of us.
WOOLIE: So what? Just—Just don’t worry about the suit, it’s not important.
PAT: I feel like I have to worry about the suit, is the thing. Like, I can’t tell whether you’re trying to intimidate me or if you’re trying to fuck me or…
WOOLIE: That’s not—
PAT: Super weird, just two friends alone in a private meeting, and one of ‘em dresses up like it’s prom night or something. And you have a wife, man. Me and Paige are also doing really well, so…
WOOLIE: Stop—
PAT: And when you and Liam started getting weird I felt like it wasn’t my place to say anything. Like, it’s 2020 and the kids are all about polyamory, but I don’t want to be a part of it, myself.
WOOLIE: JUST LISTEN TO M—
PAT: And I don’t look good in a suit man, trust me. So if that’s like, your thing or whatever, look elsewhere. Last time I shaved my beard off, me and Paige went to dinner and I happened to wear a suit, right? An old lady in our apartment saw us holding hands and she assumed Paige was my mom and that she was bringing me to my bar mitzvah and—
WOOLIE: I’M NOT TRYING TO FUCK YOU. I’M NOT TRYING TO FUCK YOU, PAT. I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE TO WEAR A SUIT FOR ONCE. THIS JOB DOESN’T GIVE US MANY OPPORTUNITIES TO DRESS NICELY AND I JUST WANTED TO WEAR A FUCKING SUIT. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BUST MY BALLS OVER IT. JESUS CHRIST.
[Pat is visibly taken aback by Woolie’s outburst]
PAT: Geez, okay. I’m sorry.
WOOLIE: GODDAMNIT, PAT.
PAT: I’m sorry, do your presentation. I want to hear it. Go ahead. I’m sorry.
[Woolie takes a moment to loosen his tie and rein in his temper]
WOOLIE: Alright, fine, just let me dim the lights…
[Woolie jogs over to the entrance, but finds that the lights can only turn on or off]
WOOLIE: Are you fucking ser— they don’t have a dimmer switch!
PAT: Why would they need a dimmer switch in a highschool, Woolie? They use the gym to play dodgeball and run laps, not host orgies and listen to Sade. I don’t even want to know what you think the climbing ropes are for—
WOOLIE: Fine! I’ll do it in the dark. I’ll do my presentation in the dark wearing a suit like a stupid asshole! Dickhead!
[Woolie shows several slides of popular sports through human history]
WOOLIE: As mankind has progressed…so too has our taste in sports. Over the years, and especially in these modern times, we require more contact, more action, more style, more…stimuli. The goal of this project is to simply cut to the end — to take each ingredient that makes up sports as we know it, and push them as far as we possibly can. I call it…
[Woolie flips over to the next slide, revealing the title and what can only be described as softcore pornography]
WOOLIE: ULTIMA-BRAWL.
[Pat cocks an eyebrow and nods contemplatively, as if he’s saying ‘Alright, you have my attention, cutie’ with his accursed ginger eyes]
WOOLIE: Now, you’re probably wondering: Ultima-brawl? Don’t you mean Ultima-BALL? Wrong! Why? Because balls are for cowards! The only balls you need to concern yourself with are the big, hefty sacks swinging between the legs of our brave combatants, or ‘brawlers’ as they will officially be known.
[Pat sits in stunned silence as Woolie pulls out a strange object from underneath the desk. It is reminiscent of a giant tabletop die and has several brightly flashing coils wrapped all around it]
WOOLIE: We don’t use balls, we use THIS. Balls are too soft. People use balls to play catch with their kids. If you are comfortable throwing an object at your six year old son, chances are it has no place in a real man’s game—
[Woolie slams the object down onto the desk. It emits a solid THUNK sound on contact and releases several crackling sparks of raw electricity]
WOOLIE: No, THIS is the real deal. It is an icosahedron made from hard plastic and it is rigged to shock you if you hold on to it for more than six seconds. Why? No more ball hoggers, that’s why! It is the proverbial ‘hot potato’ brought to life. The Zeus-brawl (we’re calling it the zeus-brawl, by the way) encourages frequent passing and makes for much more smooth, entertaining play.
PAT: That’s—
[Woolie waves him off and wheels out a mannequin wearing a bunch of strange futuristic garments]
WOOLIE: On to uniforms! First things first, take note of the skintight, aerodynamic shorts. It’s really the only article of ‘clothing’ the brawlers will be wearing, apart from their backpacks and their helmets.
[Pat tactfully avoids drawing attention to the fact that the ‘uniform’ looks like a makeshift BDSM outfit, because he knows Woolie is still struggling with accepting that part of himself]
PAT: …Backpacks?
WOOLIE: I’ll get to that in a minute. For now, I want to draw your attention to the fact that there is no shirt — No jersey. That’s because, again, Ultima-brawl is all about cutting the bullshit and pushing all facets of sports-entertainment to their natural conclusions. So we don’t need shirts! We don’t need ‘teams!’ At least—not the teams you’re thinking of. You’ve heard of the term ‘shirts versus skins? Well, I’m proposing...
[Woolie pulls up a new slide, showing a shirtless black man and a shirtless white man wrestling one another]
WOOLIE: Skins versus skins.
PAT: Woolie! You can’t keep trying to incite race wars! This is getting ridiculous!
WOOLIE: But haven’t sports always been about race wars? About who’s ‘City’ is superior? Give me a break. I’m just the first one to be honest about it. The first one to embrace it! Fact is, humans need an outlet to vent their frustrations and I think Ultima-brawl can be that release. A safe place where THE WHOLE POINT is to fight someone else because they’re different than you! That way you get it all out of your system and stop yourself from carrying that hatred into your personal or professional life.
PAT: …Are you serious? Woolie, this is a slippery slope. This is like… how The Purge starts.
WOOLIE: And I’ve made my support for The Purge known in the past, but that’s neither here nor there. Look, am I saying that if I went back in time and made the Germans play the Jewish community in a nice, safe, controlled game of Ultima-brawl that MAYBE things might’ve turned out differently? Who knows? What I am saying is if we get a bunch of Israelis and Palestinians to play a quick match, they might work out their issues and I could have a Nobel Prize coming my way for bringing peace to the east. But enough of that—
[Woolie spins the mannequin around, showing off a high-tech backpack-like device with an LED display]
WOOLIE: This is the Rad-Counter. If there’s one thing that I think sports can take away from video games, it’s that style metres make everything better. Now, each brawler will have their own bike, skateboard, rollerblades etcetera, to ride around the Ultima-court. Said court will of course be littered with quarter-pipes, halfpipes, loops, pits and other obstacles—
WOOLIE: When the brawlers do some rad shit like tricks or combos, the judges will award that brawler and their team style points, as displayed on these backpacks. Cultivating style metre is CRUCIAL because the team leader spends those style points to open the opposing team’s hatch for a few seconds, which is where you throw the zeus-brawl to score. Not a HOOP, that’s what my auntie wears in her ears. Not a NET, that’s what my auntie wears under her wig. A fucking HATCH. A MAN hatch.
WOOLIE: In short, you HAVE to do cool shit in order to open the hatch and score points to win the game. Because every other sport has fuckers that lame it out and shoot layups all game. No, shut up though. You NEED to show off here. You NEED to do combo.
PAT: I—
WOOLIE: And the leader can also choose to spend the team’s rad-points on other perks like dropping weapons into the arena or—
PAT: Woolie.
WOOLIE: What?
PAT: I’ve gotta be honest here, man.
[Woolie looks down and fiddles with his thumbs]
WOOLIE: …Yeah?
PAT: This is…PERFECT.
[Woolie breathes a sigh of relief]
WOOLIE: Phew, okay. Haha, you had me worried there for a minute. And hey, best part is? I’ve already paid for ALL the equipment AND I’ve set up a practice match to show off to potential investors.
PAT: Holy shit! How’d you pay for all that?!
[Woolie’s face pales and he stares blankly into the distance]
SCENE CHANGE — FLASHBACK
[Woolie is shown nervously walking through a creaky old manor. The wallpaper is torn and mold can be seen spreading in a corner]
[Woolie gulps and nervously traverses a long, dark hallway. At the very end of the hall, he knocks on a battered oak door. Dust falls off its surface in small clouds as he raps his knuckles against it]
[the door seemingly opens on its own and Woolie enters the nearly pitch black room. The only thing visible is the silhouette of a bald man in an armchair as he watches a TV stuck on a static screen]
[Woolie opens his mouth to greet his host, but he’s interrupted before he can speak]
PLAGUE: Hello, Woolie.
WOOLIE: H-Hey pla—
[Woolie has to break off his sentence as a strange scent hits his nostrils, causing him to retch and gag on his words]
WOOLIE: What—What is that SMELL, Plague?
PLAGUE: …Man can find all sorts of things out in the woods.
[A stray breeze shuts the door behind Woolie, causing him to startle briefly]
WOOLIE: …Right. Anyway, I—
[A hand shoots out of the darkness and it’s cold, gnarled fingers lock themselves around Woolie’s wrist]
PLAGUE: Talkin’ of smells, you’re smelling awfully nice today, Woolie. Is that [sniff] vanilla body wash I’m detecting? You usually smell nice for me when you want something. Is that it, Woolie? Do you want something from me? Or did you just come to spend some time with your good friend, Plague? No…let me guess. You want some more of my money.
WOOLIE: I—I don’t, it’s— I was just—
PLAGUE: Have you ever choked someone before, Woolie? And I don’t mean choking like a stagnant young couple trying to spice up their private life. I mean, have you ever truly choked another human being before?
WOOLIE: …No.
[the hand moves up to gently hold onto Woolie’s throat, just under his adam’s apple]
PLAGUE: People are always so surprised at how malleable the human body is, in their last moments. We like to think of ourselves as concrete and unchanging, but under the right pair of thumbs we become as clay to a sculptor. If you ever really make an evening out of pressing your hands down on someone, it’s like you aren’t even holding a neck by the end of it. The flesh and the skin become so ruined that all you really have left to hold onto is the vertebrae and the windpipe. It almost feels as if you’re squeezing a sopping wet length of rope. Like you’re a fisherman standing at the edge of a pier, hauling in his morning catch…
WOOLIE: Please, Plague, I— I didn’t mean—
PLAGUE: Oh, you didn’t mean what, Woolie? You didn’t mean—I DON’T FUCKING CARE WHAT YOU MEANT. TAKE YOUR MONEY, WOOLIE. TAKE YOUR WHORE MONEY AND GET OUT OF MY SIGHT.
[The scene changes back to the gymnasium, as Pat snaps his fingers in front of Woolie’s face to break him out of his reverie. Woolie wipes sweat and a stray tear from his face and shrugs pat off]
WOOLIE: Never mind how I got the cash, just be at the rec centre this Friday for the practice match…
[Woolie quickly exits the gym, shaking, as Pat calls after him]
PAT: I’ll be there! And hey, feel better Woolz, alright?
[Once Woolie turns the corner, Pat immediately pulls out his cell, dials a number and holds it to his ear]
PAT: Hey stinky. I’m like 99% sure that Woolie just tried to seduce me…Yeah…What? No, I didn’t do it! It’s Woolie, he’s my friend!...I don’t CARE what you read in your doujins, Paige! That’s super weird. YOU’RE super weird…You’re lucky you’re really hot and you do that one thing with your thumb or I wouldn’t put up with you.
SCENE CHANGE – REC CENTRE — FRIDAY
[Woolie, Pat, Matt, Liam and Paige are all sitting in the bleachers in anticipation for the game]
WOOLIE: Oh man, I’m pumped guys! Like, I’m nervous, sure, but I’m feeling good about this. Is this how all sports fans feel? Maybe we really have been missing out.
PAT: Well, you should be excited man. You earned this. Hey, where did you find all these people anyway? The crew and the players and stuff?
WOOLIE: Oh, I uh, actually don’t know really. While we ironed out the mechanics, I asked Matt and Liam to find playe—sorry, BRAWLERS for us.
LIAM: Yeah, well, turns out a lot of professional athletes were’t interested for some reason…
MATT: Probably a bit cutting edge for most people. Ultima-brawl is too avant-garde of a concept for the common man to comprehend.
PAIGE: Don’t worry though, Woolie. You’ll find your niche. You’ll be like the David Lynch of sweaty man-touching.
WOOLIE: Well…if you couldn’t find any actual athletes, where’d you find the players?
MATT: After we got shut down by them, we asked ourselves: what group of people are the easiest to exploit for your own gain?
ALL AT ONCE: Homeless people.
MATT: Exactly. But again, that didn’t work out because apparently Pat is engaged in some sort of ‘blood feud’ with the entirety of Montreal’s homeless population and they were reluctant to approach us.
PAT: Ugh…I’d have been willing to compromise and not try to cull any of them during the game. Bums need to grow up and learn to put personal feelings aside for the sake of professionalism. It’s no wonder they can’t hold down a job.
LIAM: We’d all but given up on finding anybody, when I had an idea of my own! Prisoners! Yeah, so we just moseyed on down to the penitentiary and bailed a bunch of people out on the one condition that they’d play one game of Ultima-brawl for us, no questions asked.
WOOLIE: Oh…but they’re, like…cool, yeah? They won’t freak out on each other or anything?
MATT: Give us a little credit, man. We didn’t bail out murderers. Just people who got arrested for assault and stuff.
WOOLIE: Assault?!
MATT: Well, we needed to find athletic people, Woolie! Most fit people in jail are in for violent crimes. It isn’t like we could have drafted a bunch of buff pedophiles or something, because buff pedophiles don’t exist! If buff pedophiles did exist, there wouldn’t be any children left.
WOOLIE: But—
LIAM: It’ll be fine! They just got out of jail! You think they’re eager to immediately get thrown back in? Just relax, Woolie.
[the lights in the building go out. Smoke fills the arena and lasers flicker through the clouds]
WOOLIE: SHHH, It’s starting!
[the announcer’s voice echoes throughout the arena. It sounds eerily similar to the announcer from Unreal Tournament]
ANNOUNCER: GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE AND WELCOME TO THE INAUGURAL MATCH OF THE SOON TO BE GREATEST SPORT ON PLANET EARTH, IIIIIIIIT’S UUUUUULTIMA-BRAAAAAWL. BRAWL…Brawl…brawl
[Woolie whoops/shrieks at an uncomfortable volume, tenting visible in his jeans]
[from either end of the arena, the opposing teams emerge from their respective hatches]
ANNOUNCER: COMING IN FIRST, WE HAVE…We, uh…sorry, is this a typo? No? A-Alright. SORRY FOLKS, COMING IN FIRST WE HAVE THE Uh—THE WHITE? TEAM!
[The white team awkwardly shuffles in place, clearly uncomfortable and hoping this isn’t being streamed online because they don’t want to end up in a Huffington Post article or some shit]
ANNOUNCER: AND ON THE OTHER SIDE, WE HAVE…Christ. Seriously? Fine, fine. ON THE OTHER SIDE WE HAVE THE…BLACKS. God…
[The black players approach the centre of the arena on their bikes and skateboards, equally as uncomfortable as the white team]
[Both teams appear to take a moment to talk, shake hands and assure one another that they all think this is equally fucked up]
[Woolie throws popcorn at the brawlers, causing them to break apart]
WOOLIE: NONE OF THAT! BE PROGRESSIVE AND PEACEFUL AFTER THE GAME’S OVER. RIGHT NOW I NEED YOUR SCORN AND MALICE OR THIS WHOLE THING FALLS APART!
[Now that Woolie has caught the brawlers attention, one of the players heads perks up and he gestures at Woolie]
BRAWLER: YO! YOU’RE THAT DUDE FROM A MONTH BACK! C’MERE A MINUTE!
[Woolie, not recognizing the figure, looks to his friends uncertainly. When he’s only met with equally oblivious shrugs he makes his way down the bleachers to speak with the mystery man at the edge of the arena]
WOOLIE: Sorry, do we know each other?
[The man looks confused for a moment before understanding dawns in his eyes and he removes the helmet that had been obscuring most of his face]
[Woolie frowns when he recognizes the man as one of the three strangers that had humiliated him at the metro station several weeks prior]
TEVIN: Before you say anything, I know you’re mad, yo. And… and you should be.
WOOLIE: Yeah, I’m fucking mad, I—wait, what?
TEVIN: Yeah… that night, me and my boys, we…we had one too many to drink. It’s no excuse for our behaviour but…you mentioned video games and it just set me off man. I’m so sorry. Seriously, bruh.
WOOLIE: Even IF you were drunk, how could VIDEO GAMES possibly make you so furious at someone you don’t even know?
[Tevin sighs and gestures to a member of the black team. Woolie can see pink dreads peaking out of the bottom of the brawler’s helmet and he instantly connects the dots]
TEVIN: You remember the homie, Lil Bigplanet? You remember he talked…funny?
WOOLIE: I mean, I saw the lean in his cup so I just figured—
TEVIN: Nah, that wasn’t lean. That was Pepto Bismol. Homie had an upset tummy. No, the reason he talks funny is…Y’see, when he was a kid he was cleaning out his closet and… he dropped a PS3 on his head.
WOOLIE: Like…a PS3 slim or—?
[Tevin now has tears welling up in his eyes]
TEVIN: Nah, one of them original fat bitches they released back in ’06.
[Woolie cringes and hisses through his teeth, looking upon Lil Bigplanet with pity as he stumbles around the arena]
WOOLIE: God, I’m so sorry. I had no idea. At least it wasn’t an original Xbox or he might not be with us.
TEVIN: Nah, you couldn’t have known. It’s just—Me, Vance and Lil BP? We’re like brothers, man. So whenever someone mentions video games now it gets me so mad…and with us drinking that night…
WOOLIE: Hey, don’t even worry about—
TEVIN: No! Like I said, there ain’t no excuse for the way we acted! The next morning…we all felt so guilty we turned ourselves in to the police.
[Woolie is beginning to feel uncomfortable guilt-sweat pool in the bottom of his boxers]
[Tevin grins a great toothy smile at Woolie, warmth and gratitude clear in his eyes]
TEVIN: But then who turns out to make our bail but the guy we wronged in the first place! If that isn’t the lord showing me the way, then I don’t know what is! Bless you for this opportunity, bro! Maybe we all can hang out after the game’s over!
WOOLIE: Y’know, you don’t really HAVE to play, haha…
TEVIN: Please, it’s the LEAST I can do dawg. Wish me luck!
[Woolie walks back to his seat on unsteady feet. Once he sits back down, Pat eyes him warily]
PAT: You okay, man? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.
WOOLIE: Yeah…Hey, you think the game is safe, right? Like, the players won’t get hurt too bad?
PAT: …I mean…
WOOLIE: Oh god, oh fuck—
[Paige leans over and rests her hand on Woolie’s shoulder]
PAIGE: Don’t worry, Woolie. As the voice of reason in the group I took it upon myself to make sure things wouldn’t get out of hand.
WOOLIE: Thank fuck…God…Good. Good, good. What did you do? You talked to the players beforehand? Told them to take it easy?
PAIGE: Nope, I spiked their Gatorade with stuff to mellow them out so that they’ll play nicely.
[Woolie, growing concerned again, cocks his brow and faces Paige directly]
WOOLIE: You spiked—? What did—What did you spike their drinks with? Molly? Xanax?
PAIGE: No, that’s the stuff rappers take and rapper are scary so…
WOOLIE: What the fuck did you put in the Gatorade, Paige?!
PAIGE: Just some bath salts!
[Matt sprays cookie crumbs out of his mouth as Liam’s hand clenches and ruptures his Capri Sun]
[Pat shoves Woolie’s panic-stricken form aside to grip his girlfriend’s shoulders tightly]
PAT: YOU DOSED A BUNCH OF VIOLENT, HALF-NAKED CRIMINALS WITH BATH SALTS?
[Paige looks around at her friends nervously]
PAIGE: Is that…bad? It’s just—baths are so relaxing! So I thought drinking it would feel…relaxing? Like taking a bath!
PAT: PAIGE. FUCK. WHY.
PAIGE: WELL IF IT’S BAD FOR YOU THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE CALLED IT BATH SALTS! IT SOUNDS SO NICE, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!
[As the zaibatsu panic and argue amongst themselves, the siren sounds, signalling the beginning of the game]
[Extremely dated, horny european music blasts through the arena as the now-crazed brawlers charge each other on their bikes and skateboards]
[Woolie watches in abject horror as the players brutalize and maim one another, practically frothing at the mouths in their hysteria]
ANNOUNCER: WHITE TEAM HAS AMASSED 2500 RAD POINTS. SHRED-SCALIBUR HAS ENTERED THE ARENA.
[a massive greatsword is dropped in front of the white leader, who immediately picks it up and swipes at one of his own teammates]
LIAM: YOU PUT A FUCKING SWORD IN THE GAME, WOOLIE?!
WOOLIE: It’s—It’s blunt. You can’t really stab someone with it…I—I thought it would be cool, but…God, he’s really bludgeoning people with it. I think I’m gonna hurl, dude—
[Matt slaps Woolie across his face]
MATT: Snap out of it, man! We gotta cut our losses and cheese it before the 5-0 shows up!
[Woolie nods, dazed, and moves to run away with the group when he sees Tevin in the middle of the arena crying over Vance’s bloodied body]
WOOLIE: You guys go without me! I have to save them!
[Instead of protesting, the gang immediately leaves without Woolie because they are all assholes]
[In his haste to reach the arena as fast as possible, Woolie knocks over the remaining Gatorade onto the ultima-brawl, causing it to short-circuit and set a low-hanging banner aflame. The fire quickly spreads and in the time it takes Woolie to dodge the berzerking convicts and reach Tevin, the flames have almost completely engulfed the arena]
TEVIN: Yo, y-you came for us…
WOOLIE: Of course I did. Is he—?
[Woolie gestures down at Vance’s body]
TEVIN: He’s gone, yo. He’s really gone…He was one month away from finishing law school, man…What’re me and Lil Bigplanet going to do without—Wait, where’s the homie Lil Bigplanet?!He was with the Black Team last I saw him…! I gotta find him, yo! I can’t lose them both!
[Woolie looks up and spots Lil BP scoring on his own team and doing a victory dance, seemingly oblivious to the bloodshed around him]
ANNOUNCER: BOTH TEAMS HAVE COLLECTIVELY GAINED 8000 RAD POINTS. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, ULTIMA-FANS. RELEASING THE BEAST-QUALIZER.
[Woolie falls back in fear as an air-raid siren sounds and a plate-armoured cape buffalo charges into the arena]
WOOLIE: IS THAT—IS THAT A FUCKING BULL? I DIDN’T EVEN ORDER A BULL. WHO PUT A FUCKING BULL IN THE GAME?
[The buffalo makes short work of the drugged-out criminals, methodically stalking the arena and goring them one-by-one. Finally, it sets it’s eyes on Lil Bigplanet who merely tilts his head and lets out an inquisitive ‘Skrr skrr?’ in response to the buffalo’s attention]
[The buffalo stomps its hooves and charges at the unmoving Lil BP, who waits with open arms as if anticipating a friendly hug]
TEVIN: DEMETRIUS! NOOO!
[Tevin sprints forward and attempts to intercept the blow, but can’t stop the buffalo’s momentum. The buffalo’s horn pierces Tevin’s abdomen but continues rushing forward, impaling Lil BP as well. The two adults corpses throw the buffalo’s balance off and it careens into the arena barrier, snapping its own neck and dying instantly]
[A combination of terror, smoke inhalation and blood loss causes Woolie’s to drop to his knees, and then face flat to the ground, unconscious]
SCENE CHANGE — INTERIOR — HOSPITAL ROOM
[The shot remains out of focus as Woolie opens his eyes, after hearing a disembodied voice call for him]
VOICE: C’mon, buddy. Got someone here who has some questions for you…
WOOLIE: Rmmpgh…
VOICE: [sigh] Bayonetta.
[Woolie’s eyes shoot open and he snaps up to a sitting position as if someone had blasted him with smelling salts]
WOOLIE: What’s—Where am I?
[Woolie’s blurry vision focuses and he takes in his surroundings. He is in a hospital bed, with a nervous looking Pat sitting at his side and an imposing man with an officer’s badge looming over him]
PAT: Hey man, this uh, friendly police officer just has a few small questions for you. I already spoke to him about how WE DON’T KNOW ANYTHING, but he wanted to make sure that you DON’T KNOW ANYTHING, so—
DETECTIVE: Now, settle down, son. You aren’t in any trouble. You’re clearly a victim in all this. This is just procedure. Now, apparently there was some homoerotic cult engaging in blood sports. We ID’d most of the murder victims from the tapes these sickos were filming, but we couldn’t get a clear image of the leaders. Now, clearly, you two aren’t involved—
[Woolie holds up a hand to cut the detective off]
WOOLIE: Hold on. What’s that supposed to mean? We clearly weren’t involved? What’s that about?
DETECTIVE: Well, no offence fellas but you two don’t exactly seem like the sporting type to me.
WOOLIE: We’re sporting! We’re athletic! Where do you get off judging us? For all you know, I could have been the cause of all this!
DETECTIVE: Is that so…
[Pat steps between Woolie and the cop]
PAT: Sorry, officer! My friend is still clearly a little out of it, what with his condition and all. Let me just get a quick word with him—
[Pat roughly pulls Woolie over to the corner of the room and begins angrily whispering with him]
PAT: What the HELL do you think you’re doing? Are you trying to get us arrested?!
WOOLIE: He thinks we’re a bunch of wussies!
PAT: We are a bunch of fucking wussies! I pee sitting down! Who cares? He’s letting us go!
WOOLIE: I can’t, man. Not this time. We’ve fucked up before, but never this bad. So many people died, Pat! That’s on me! Don’t worry, I’ll leave you out of my confession.
PAT: Woolie…
WOOLIE: You know those guys that punched me? They felt so horrible about it they turned themselves in the next day! And now they’re dead because of me…It’s only fair that I follow their example and take responsibility for my actions. Goodbye, Pat…
[Woolie and Pat both approach the detective at once, both speaking over one another until the cop raises a hand to silence them]
DETECTIVE: Now, I was going to let you boys go, but you started acting real cagey just now. So unless you can give me a name to go off of here I’m afraid I’ll have to bring you in for further questioning.
WOOLIE: There’s no need for that, sir. I know who did it. It was m—
PAT: HEY, real quick, before we continue—how bad did you say the sentencing was going to be for those responsible, sir? Five? Ten years?
DETECTIVE: Oh, no no no. This is absolutely life in prison.
[Woolie blanches and sweat begins to drip down his temple]
WOOLIE: L-Life in—
DETECTIVE: Hooo, you betcha’. MULTIPLE life sentences even. No parole. No bail. Nothin.’ Just a cold, lonely cell for the rest of their days.
[Woolie audibly gulps]
DETECTIVE: But never mind that, son. You said you knew who was behind all this...?
[Woolie and Pat share a tense side-eye glance before Woolie turns to face the officer once more]
WOOLIE: So, there’s this guy called SuperBunnyHop—
CREDITS
DIRECTED BY Hidetaka Suehiro
GUEST-STARRING Finn Wolfhard AS Liam Allen-Miller
Peter dinklage AS Patrick Boivin
AND
Zac Effron AS Woolie Madden
submitted by CozyGhosty to TwoBestFriendsPlay [link] [comments]


2020.04.06 23:00 Mcheetah2 Being short ruined my life before it even began and I hate it.

I fucking HATE my height. Literally more than anything else about me. And I have a LOT of physical shit about me I hate. Pretty much everything except my gender. I hate being dark skinned, I hate being overweight, and I hate being fucking SHORT. All my male friends are not only taller than my 180cm pathetic manlet ass, but they were eve shorter than me when younger, including the female ones. Fuck my precocious puberty.
Oddly enough, my height bothered me much less a few years ago, but I still wished I was a bit taller. I've been the same height since I was in the 4th or 5th grade. I kept hoping, praying, and wishing for a growth spurt that never came as all my friends literally and socially outgrew me, like I was some relic of their past childhood or something. 'Why the fuck would she want to go to the prom with a manlet? She's taller than him even without heels!'
And the thing that pisses me off the fucking most and when people try to tell me I'm mediocre, like that's some kind of fucking compliment or something. That's quite literally the worst thing you could say to me. "Oh, you're not genetically inferior; you're just worthless. There's nothing wrong with being replaceable, without value, and worthless. So many people are fine not existing."
I was okay with it in the 7th grade. I thought I wouldn't stay the same my entire fucking life, but I was wrong. I didn’t go up at all since age ten, which was a surprise given that I thought I’d grow more than a height I'd be fine with. 186 cm would be fine, but 195 was always my ideal height. That's how tall Dwayne Johnson is. I pretty much wanted to be just like him growing up. And even now, to be honest. But instead, I'm fat, poor Kevin Hart. And like I said, I could complain about having a small penis (< 7"), or being overweight, or my ethnicity, or my looks (equally ugly as short) and other things, but it's really the height that bothers me the most, because that's the biggest kiss of death for me. It's the one thing that can never be fixed or corrected. Everything else is livable to some extent. But I'm still kinda messed up over what all my friends did, and having an entire stunted puberty and literally never growing up. And like I said, some people are fine with being looked at as worthless, without value, and being the mightiest ant on the anthill, and all that jazz, but not me. I don't like that I was meant to be a lion, but found out I was trapped in a kitten's body the whole time.
Ironically enough, I always appear taller in photos. I’m only “tall” compared to short women and actual little girls age 11 or younger. They're usually a lot shorter than I am. But not even "always." In my country, the typical guy looks just like me, but also has zero ambition or life goals, so it works with them. But me? I wanted to rule the fucking world. I wanted to change so much wrong with this broken planet. But I learned early on, people don't take you seriously if you don't "fit the mold." No one looks at Peter Dinklage and thinks he could be president, no matter how intelligent or brave he may seem in playing a character. That's how people are. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to try to 'fix' the world somehow, either through politics, business, or show business. Some kind of influence to get people to start turning things around. But society is too messed up for that. That's how I came to hate myself for being a fucking manlet/dwarf, anyway. Among my people, I'm the same height as a woman. Only I'm, y'know, not.
My height bothered me beyond what would probably be normal and to be honest, under a certain threshold, it's 95% the same to me. Being 157 cm and being what I am are the same thing, really. An F is a fucking F. What am I gonna do, fail further? Get an F minus in genetics?
I always envied guys who were taller than me, because I was sure that my height would be a huge turn off for most girls, given how many times I heard someone say “I’d never date a guy under six feet tall” or saying that anything below 183 (for example) is a dealbreaker.
But you know what? Fuck society. Fuck what people think. I've honestly become the most honest motherfucker I've ever known. Because when people always preconceive you as being "too short, unattractive, too ugly, not the 'right race,'" and so on, there's no one left to please. I don't have to kiss anyone's ass. I don't chase popularity or social validation. There's nothing to gain from it. I'm not an asshole, but people probably think I am. Because I'm blunt and honest and don't care what people think about me, because there's not a damn fucking thing I could ever do to change their minds. They've already made up their minds about me the moment they met me. Maybe with extreme effort, I could make them think a modicum more positively about me. But if I have to work my ass off to earn a shred of respect from them, then they're not worth the time.
This isn't the life i chose, but it's the life that's here now. The old me is long dead. He died when I was 21. I really am a shell of my former self. Metaphorically speaking, a molted skin of someone who used to want to be President of the United States and "fix the world." Or a somber zombie. Or whatever lame-ass metaphor you want to use. The point is, I've been dead inside since 21. All because I'm a fucking hamster man. Too short to be the man I was meant to be, on top of all the other physical-social handicaps I mentioned. I still do change a lot of things in the world. Things people never see. But there's no point in mentioning them. There's no "glory" behind it, thinking I need some kind of credit or anything. I'd never get recognized for a single thing I accomplished, even if I cured COVID tomorrow. And frankly, I'm indifferent to that. My fucking body decided I wouldn't exist a long time ago. According to idiotic others out there, I am mediocre, after all. Non-existent. Boringly ordinary. Humdrum. Middling. So-so. Objectively meaningless to the human race. And it all started with never growing up. The rest just kinda happened from there.
Few people get it. I certainly don't expect anyone here to. I just felt like I needed to say all of this, though. My life was over before it even began thanks to a fucking medical condition that left me behind all my superstar peers. I'm Captain America without the super-serum. And now, without the heart. I'm mediocre, according to everyone. Even though I'm not. But that's all anyone will ever see. Just... Nothingness.
submitted by Mcheetah2 to Vent [link] [comments]


2020.04.06 23:00 Mcheetah2 I hate how I'll never be seen by anyone as worthy of respect because of my height.

I fucking HATE my height. Literally more than anything else about me. And I have a LOT of physical shit about me I hate. Pretty much everything except my gender. I hate being dark skinned, I hate being overweight, and I hate being fucking SHORT. All my male friends are not only taller than my 180cm pathetic manlet ass, but they were eve shorter than me when younger, including the female ones. Fuck my precocious puberty.
Oddly enough, my height bothered me much less a few years ago, but I still wished I was a bit taller. I've been the same height since I was in the 4th or 5th grade. I kept hoping, praying, and wishing for a growth spurt that never came as all my friends literally and socially outgrew me, like I was some relic of their past childhood or something. 'Why the fuck would she want to go to the prom with a manlet? She's taller than him even without heels!'
And the thing that pisses me off the fucking most and when people try to tell me I'm mediocre, like that's some kind of fucking compliment or something. That's quite literally the worst thing you could say to me. "Oh, you're not genetically inferior; you're just worthless. There's nothing wrong with being replaceable, without value, and worthless. So many people are fine not existing."
I was okay with it in the 7th grade. I thought I wouldn't stay the same my entire fucking life, but I was wrong. I didn’t go up at all since age ten, which was a surprise given that I thought I’d grow more than a height I'd be fine with. 186 cm would be fine, but 195 was always my ideal height. That's how tall Dwayne Johnson is. I pretty much wanted to be just like him growing up. And even now, to be honest. But instead, I'm fat, poor Kevin Hart. And like I said, I could complain about having a small penis (< 7"), or being overweight, or my ethnicity, or my looks (equally ugly as short) and other things, but it's really the height that bothers me the most, because that's the biggest kiss of death for me. It's the one thing that can never be fixed or corrected. Everything else is livable to some extent. But I'm still kinda messed up over what all my friends did, and having an entire stunted puberty and literally never growing up. And like I said, some people are fine with being looked at as worthless, without value, and being the mightiest ant on the anthill, and all that jazz, but not me. I don't like that I was meant to be a lion, but found out I was trapped in a kitten's body the whole time.
Ironically enough, I always appear taller in photos. I’m only “tall” compared to short women and actual little girls age 11 or younger. They're usually a lot shorter than I am. But not even "always." In my country, the typical guy looks just like me, but also has zero ambition or life goals, so it works with them. But me? I wanted to rule the fucking world. I wanted to change so much wrong with this broken planet. But I learned early on, people don't take you seriously if you don't "fit the mold." No one looks at Peter Dinklage and thinks he could be president, no matter how intelligent or brave he may seem in playing a character. That's how people are. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to try to 'fix' the world somehow, either through politics, business, or show business. Some kind of influence to get people to start turning things around. But society is too messed up for that. That's how I came to hate myself for being a fucking manlet/dwarf, anyway. Among my people, I'm the same height as a woman. Only I'm, y'know, not.
My height bothered me beyond what would probably be normal and to be honest, under a certain threshold, it's 95% the same to me. Being 157 cm and being what I am are the same thing, really. An F is a fucking F. What am I gonna do, fail further? Get an F minus in genetics?
I always envied guys who were taller than me, because I was sure that my height would be a huge turn off for most girls, given how many times I heard someone say “I’d never date a guy under six feet tall” or saying that anything below 183 (for example) is a dealbreaker.
But you know what? Fuck society. Fuck what people think. I've honestly become the most honest motherfucker I've ever known. Because when people always preconceive you as being "too short, unattractive, too ugly, not the 'right race,'" and so on, there's no one left to please. I don't have to kiss anyone's ass. I don't chase popularity or social validation. There's nothing to gain from it. I'm not an asshole, but people probably think I am. Because I'm blunt and honest and don't care what people think about me, because there's not a damn fucking thing I could ever do to change their minds. They've already made up their minds about me the moment they met me. Maybe with extreme effort, I could make them think a modicum more positively about me. But if I have to work my ass off to earn a shred of respect from them, then they're not worth the time.
This isn't the life i chose, but it's the life that's here now. The old me is long dead. He died when I was 21. I really am a shell of my former self. Metaphorically speaking, a molted skin of someone who used to want to be President of the United States and "fix the world." Or a somber zombie. Or whatever lame-ass metaphor you want to use. The point is, I've been dead inside since 21. All because I'm a fucking hamster man. Too short to be the man I was meant to be, on top of all the other physical-social handicaps I mentioned. I still do change a lot of things in the world. Things people never see. But there's no point in mentioning them. There's no "glory" behind it, thinking I need some kind of credit or anything. I'd never get recognized for a single thing I accomplished, even if I cured COVID tomorrow. And frankly, I'm indifferent to that. My fucking body decided I wouldn't exist a long time ago. According to idiotic others out there, I am mediocre, after all. Non-existent. Boringly ordinary. Humdrum. Middling. So-so. Objectively meaningless to the human race. And it all started with never growing up. The rest just kinda happened from there.
Few people get it. I certainly don't expect anyone here to. I just felt like I needed to say all of this, though. My life was over before it even began thanks to a fucking medical condition that left me behind all my superstar peers. I'm Captain America without the super-serum. And now, without the heart. I'm mediocre, according to everyone. Even though I'm not. But that's all anyone will ever see. Just... Nothingness.
submitted by Mcheetah2 to self [link] [comments]


2019.11.16 18:27 mistercomputergames [HM] Insert Quarter - Journey to Nostalgiatron

[This is satire]
CHAPTER ONE
“I’m gonna need that last Dragonball,” said an exhausted Goku. He was clutching at his scuffed up arm and hovering in the air over the smouldering crater that used to be New Chicago’s Optimus Prime Memorial Shopping Centre.
I fumbled around in my messenger bag, Pokemon Badge pins jingling as I searched. My prize wasn’t hard to find, it’s perfectly crystalline structure and impossibly smooth spherical face sang as my quivering fingers wrapped around it’s weighty shape.
“Goku!” I called out, thrusting the number four ‘ball into the air above me. “I’ve got it right here!”
I had just scrambled halfway up a broken radio mast next to the crater. Goku turned his head to look at me. His triceps were flaring, and his shoulder striations were insane. He saw the ‘ball in my outstretched hand and guffawed. He turned his floating body to face me, and, in slow motion, began reaching out a hand toward me. But it was too late.
“It’s going to take a lot more than that to defeat me.” The voice was familiar. Stoic, distinctly American. Humble, but backed by so much power. A hand burst out from beneath a pile of dust and rubble, then suddenly there was a burst of light and a shockwave blew the rubble pile away. When the dust settled, a lone caped figure stood clad in blue, with chest pushed out and a red and yellow “S” emblem emblazoned on his breast.
It was Superman, obviously.
You’re probably wondering what the heck is going on. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Slater Johnson. I’m just a regular high school kid who likes to play videogames and shred it up on my skateboard. And, oh yeah, I’m the prophesied chosen one who’s meant to guide all mankind during the coming apocalypse-war. But let’s backtrack.
The year was 2013. I’d just won first place in the all-state skate competition and my crush, Yvonne Christiansen, was there watching me finish out my last fakie bigspin into a wallride, which I landed perfectly. I knew that my last trick would’ve set me so far ahead of the other skaters that I had no chance of losing. I skidded to a stop in front of her in the crowd. She smiled at me. I threw my thumb and pinky finger up, gave it a shake, and pushed off toward the podium.
After the last competitor went, the points were tallied and the placements were being awarded. 3rd and 2nd were called, but then it was the big moment.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” announced the mayor. “I’m proud to announce that your all time biggest and baddest winner of the all-state skate competition is..” My heart jumped. “Slater Johnson!”
The crowd went nuts. I gave my great looking hair a quick flip to keep the flow fresh, then sauntered up. I shook the mayor’s hand and stepped toward the trophy on the table. As soon as I set my hands on the gold plated winners cup, a sudden flash of light rushed out. There was a blast that threw me twenty, maybe even thirty feet away.
Long story short, all universes converged into ours. A portal opened up to the Sanctum (the place where I would later do all my martial training with Goku and Batman) and I was left standing there in front of Gandalf the White, who had also just appeared. He told me I was the Chosen One who was destined to save all mankind. I rolled my eyes.
“Yeah right, geezer,” I effortlessly kicked up my skateboard into my hand and turned away. “I have to go to nationals now that I won state! Find someone else to do your prophecy, old timer.”
Gandalf didn’t look pleased. His brow was all kinds of furrowed, and he leaned forward on his eldritch stave. He closed his eyes and I could hear him mumbling just over the crackling hum of the Otherworld Portal.
“He’s the hero we need, but his reluctance to take the mantle worrying..”
At that moment, Yvonne, the hottest and most popular girl at the school (also my crush) came running up and hugged me. I was stunned.
“Oh Slater!” She said, through the tears. Just like all females, she was letting her emotions get the better of her. I didn’t blame her; this day had been nuts. I landed some fire tricks during the competition, and then also the whole universes thing was crazy, but I remained stoic and steadfast. I could feel her cans squeezing against my chest. Nice.
“Slater, I thought you were dead!” She looked up at me. “I was worried you would have died and we never even got a chance to be boyfriend and girlfriend!”
I tilted my head toward the horizon, the wind blowing my awesome hair softly. “Well, Yvonne,” I said, in gravelly tones. “After I turned down that whole chosen one thing just now, my schedule’s wide open. Wanna go to the mall sometime?”
“Like a date?” She asked, the sound of hope teased in that last escalated octave.
“Just like a date,” I said, turning to look at her. There was a halo’s glow emanating around her pretty face. It looked angelic, or like as if you turned on a spotlight right behind someone and then they obscured the light. Little did I know, in that moment, that this was the exact thing that was happening.
“So,” she said, wiping tears from her soft, girly cheeks. “I guess that makes me your girlfriend.”
The halo around her got brighter, and the sound of a gigantic transforming robot priming an arm-mounted serrated blade punctuated the tender moment. I smiled.
“Yeah,” I said. “I guess it does make you my girlfriend now.”
And literally the moment I said that, a gigantic robot hand reached out from behind her and grabbed her by the torso, lifting her up. It was Megatron, leader of the Decepticons, and he ran her through with his armblade. It was super gory, and unnecessarily brutal. Chunks were going everywhere. She seemed like a really nice girl. Now that I think about it, nothing this gratuitously gory or violent would even come close to happening during my following adventures. Even with the whole shopping centre crater thing, it was at least implied at the time that the city had been evacuated.
The sight of my eviscerated girlfriend’s body, rent asunder by the almighty power of the Dark Emperor of Destruction and scattered limp across the ground filled me with rage. Skateboard in one hand, clenched fist in the other (my fist, not Yvonne’s severed hand which was also nearby), I cranked by head over my shoulder.
“Wizard,” I barked toward Gandalf. “I’ll do it.”
CHAPTER 2
After the whole beginning part of my journey had finished, it was on to the exciting stuff. A year had passed, but the world had irrevocably changed. Firstly, I was a senior, applying to colleges and just really hoping to make the best of my last school year, which was starting in a few days. Also, the city of New Chicago had sprung up in the middle of the Atlantic ocean. A sprawling megalopolis, characterized by its crazy futuristic style buildings and towering towers, the city had become my new home in my quest to save mankind.
I grinded my hoverboard along the LightRail home after a long day of questing. Under my guidance, the Infinity Cabal had been scouring every swarthy hole and teetering precipice of New Chicago for the last Dragonball. We had six of them in our possession, which Goku was using to train with in the Sanctum. I liked to join him from time to time, sparring with him and Batman. They were worthy foes, and definitely tested my abilities. I count Goku as one of my best friends, and I’m grateful that he treats me just the same.
Life in New Chicago was rough. Gangs ruled the streets, which was fine by me because I skatejack the LightRails high aboveground, weaving in and out of the towers. Skatejacking is what you do when you jack your board onto the LightRails and skate it the hell up. It’s a super cool and dangerous way to get around the city, but the Infinity Cabal doesn’t mind. Being cool and dangerous is in our DNA.
Pulling around a long curve, I suddenly remembered where I was - rounding the corner of a building, the imposing frame of the Icecrown Citadel came into view. I knew that, on its mantel, Lich King Megatron was sitting on the Frozen Throne. An Undead horde shuffled around the packed-ice plaza at the base of the rock hard shaft. I could feel his cold gaze, piercing through me. I couldn’t see him from my great distance, but I knew he was looking. A feeling of dread washed over me. I could feel my heart thumping in my chest and a pressure building up within me. As the sensation crescendoed, and I continued skatejacking the LightRail, a building suddenly obscured the Icecrown Citadel from view. In that moment, I felt an immediate relief.
“Note to self,” I noted to myself. “Don’t stray too close to the Icecrown.”
After I recovered from my Heebie Jeebies, I kicked it into high gear and continued jacking to the extreme, all the way back to the hideout. I hopped off the rail and, flying through the air, grabbed onto a vertical pole, swinging around a corner and landing on my feet with my hoverboard in one hand. I flipped my sunglasses up onto my forehead and approached the 7/11 that was the front operation for our secret hideout. I filled up my Slurpee with Red Flavor Drink Type Slushed Ice Beverage and set it on the secret plinth that activates the hidden door, which then caused the entire wall to recess backward.The ten foot gear interchange system, now exposed by the wall’s recession, ground loudly and worked the clandestine door to the right. The stealthy process was slow, and shook most of the building. I took the time to snag a couple Buffalo Chicken Taquitos for the wait.
After only dozens of minutes, the hidden door was done churning open. I clambered over the rack trench, being careful not to get any limbs or digits caught in the pinion housing. While ducking underneath the input-shaft ports, I made sure to only utilize established handholds, clear of any hydraulic lines and out of the way of inner or outer tie-rods (which connected to the main assembly). Luckily for me, those handholds were delineated and painted in with Safety Yellow signage, so I knew just where to grasp. The rotary valve was still evacuating steam, so I was careful to note the times of discharge so as to duck through without being scalded.
After a close shave with a flailing pressure tube, I put both feet on the ground on the other side of the rack trench before letting go of the handholds. I patted myself down, realizing I forgot my hoverboard on the 7/11 side of the door and rack trench. I went back, got it, and returned to the hideout side, activating the quick release on the door which slammed the bolt catch roll pin out of place, allowing the takedown pin to fire the buffer spring and quickly haul the secret door back into place with a crash that shook the whole building. No one was the wiser.
“Slater!” Cried out a voice. I recognized it immediately. It was Ash Ketchum, The Very Best. He had his original style hat on, so you knew it was at least generation I or II. Ash was walking up to me, and Pikachu was bouncing around and being almost intolerably cute.
“Walk with me, Ash.” I said, hurrying down the corridor. I was jonesing for a bathroom break after those taquitos but all the single stall bathrooms were downstairs, and the stairwell was on the other side of the building. “How are the men?” I asked, as Ash got alongside.
“Well,” he closed his eyes and reached his arm over his shoulder and seemed to scratch the back of his own neck. It was a really annoying and over-the-top gesture. “I guess some of the guys are a little tired after all our recent questing and training! They sure could use a break.”
I handed Pikachu the rest of my Buffalo Chicken Taquito. “Well,” I grumbled. “You know who doesn’t get tired? Our enemy.” It was true, too. The NecroLeague of Doom seemed to have an infinite supply of energy. Their forces were many, and their plots dastardly. A complete roster of their troops is attached to this novel as ADDENDUM A, but a short-list is featured below.
Lich King Megatron was their leader. He summited the Icecrown Citadel in search of Shia LeBoeuf’s grandfather’s eyeglasses, for whatever reason, but found only Bolvar Fordragon, wearing the helm and mantle of the Lich King. Encased in fel-ice, Fordragon didn’t stand a chance against the unbridled power of Megatron. In a less gruesome display than when he murdered my girlfriend (which was so brutal that I decided to accept my fate as awesome hero of the world), Megatron destroyed Fordragon and took the helmet for himself. He then became the new Lich King and would become unstoppable. Except I was going to stop him for sure.
Ash complimented me on my hair and cool moves. He also let me know he was having a few friends over for a birthday party next weekend, and I said I’d be down. I’m very thankful to have so many people who are friends with me and enjoy my various insights and jokes. I figured I’d go to his party since they all came to my surf competition last week (I won first place).
Ash told me that the boys were meeting in the Meeting Chamber and that I should get up there as quick as I could. Time was running out, so I powered my way up the stairs, kicking it into high gear and even taking them two at a time. I wasn’t even using the railing, just balancing myself as I throttled up.
I was taking it right to the edge, almost at my breaking point, when the last couple steps were in sight. With one last, desperate burst of raw power and energy I threw myself forward into the air and up three full steps. I landed with one foot on the precipice of the landing, and my center of mass teetered over my central axis. I repositioned my arms out in front of me, using them as a kind of ballast, and bent at the knees and lower back. With one last effort, I thrust my hips forward and settled myself fully. Mission accomplished.
“Nice moves,” said Kanye West. He was wearing the coolest sneakers you’ve ever seen.
“Thanks Kanye,” I said to Kanye. “All in a day’s work. What’s the situation?”
“I’m glad you asked,” said Kanye as he stood up and gestured to the viewscreen (basically just a TV). “LKM’s forces are on the move. He’s set up defenses here, here and here.” Kanye was gesturing to the huge TV (the viewscreen) at anywhere between two and four points on the New Chicago map. I squinted my eyes.
“Wait a second,” I commanded. “Computer!”
The lights around the edge of the display (viewscreen, or “teevee” as some call it) lit up and a gentle chime hummed.
“Draw lines between each of those points.”
“Okay,” said COM.P.U.T.er. “I’m drawing lines between each of the points on the map of New Chicago.”
Slowly, an eerie red pillar extended out from each of the points toward the direction of another. It was like a spider’s web of lines extending, except not as many as that. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. A terrifying shape began to form. My jaw dropped.
“My god,” I said. “It’s a --”
“It’s a triangram,” said a breathy, incredulous voice with an english accent. The voice seemed to come from the ground somewhere. I looked around, then craned my neck and head forward, angling it toward the floor. Scouring that lower altitude in such a fashion was a strategy that bore fruit - there, at my feet, stooped Peter Dinklage. I called down to him.
“Peter!” I cupped one hand around my mouth so as to help project my voice downard. “What do you know of triangrams?”
He looked all the way up toward the heaven - up toward me. He was speaking again, but I could not hear. I bent down, descending from on high. His impish words became audible.
“Triangrams are a kind of runic, sacred shape produced by the culmination of no less than 3 points, except also no more than that either.” He looked back up toward the viewscreen. “They were used in pagan times as a cheaper and more cost effective version of the pentagram. The pagans of the time realized that something with five sides looks close enough to something with three if you just squint.” At this point, Peter reached both his arms out as if to behold the might of some vista or wondrous architecture. He squinted hard. “It is, as the Romans said, duabus partibus occultus...”
He dropped his arms back down to his side, formed a kind of grim countenance and threw his grim gaze up toward me. “The Two Secret Sides!”
I gasped. It made sense. Pentagrams have five sides and triangrams only had three! That was a difference of two. The implication being two other sides, invisible to the naked eye, hidden within the triangram. This revelation was totally nuts and I didn’t expect it.
Obviously I was worried about the sudden appearance of a triangram in New Chicago, but with school starting tomorrow, I had enough on my plate. I hit up Old Navy to put together a fire fit for the first day.
CHAPTER 3 In Progress
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2019.10.21 15:59 Anonymous_1-2-3-4-5 MCU Movies Behind the Scenes Facts *Wanted to do this for fun* Ant-Man and the Wasp *UPDATED*

Continuing my MCU Behind the Scenes Facts posts with an updated Ant-Man and the Wasp, Captain Marvel, Avengers Endgame and Spider-Man Far From Home and will continue to do these in the future
All links to previous MCU Behind the Scenes facts

ANT-MAN AND THE WASP


1. Langston Fishburne, Laurence Fishburne's son, played the younger version of his character, Dr. Bill Foster.

2. Scott grumbles that just wearing a hat and sunglasses does not conceal your identity. This has been a running joke among fans, since several MCU characters have used this technique including: Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, Black Widow, Winter Soldier, Scarlet Witch, Nick Fury and Falcon. It's also a common joke among DC fans, in regards to Clark Kent's (Superman's) rather flimsy disguise of nothing but glasses.

3. Paul Rudd really did learn close up magic for this movie. "I really did learn some of the magic. I haven't really kept it up. But then again, trying to learn to be really good at magic in a short amount of time is like trying to learn violin in a short amount of time."

4. The alien-looking organisms in the microscopic realm (on the way to the quantum realm) are water bears (tardigrades), which have been found in the most extreme environments on Earth including hot springs, glaciers, the top of the Himalayas and deep sea trenches. They can go dormant without food or water for decades and survive incredible temperatures, pressures, radiation, toxicity, and even several days in space.

5. This marks the second MCU film after Thor: Ragnarok (2017) to have a female as the leading antagonist. However, in the comic books, the Ghost was male.

6. This movie was announced three months after Ant-Man (2015) was released and, due to Marvel's packed Phase Three lineup, they had to move the release dates of Black Panther (2018) and Captain Marvel (2019).

7. The laboratory incorporates elements of various scales and was obviously enhanced when at various scales. Examples of this include an enormous battery and electric guitar volume knob and the like, with most everything else at human scale. The wheels and tote handle were obviously installed when the building was at the smaller size then, as with the battery and knob, expanded along with the building.

8. For the role of Janet van Dyne, Evangeline Lilly (Janet's daughter, Hope) had Michelle Pfeiffer on her wish list to play Janet, and Michael Douglas (Janet's husband, Hank) had expressed the desire to have his wife Catherine Zeta-Jones play Janet.

9. They knew they wanted to feature another scene with Luis (Michael Peña) riffing a long story again but didn't want to repeat themselves. The idea of pitting him against Walton Goggins' villainous Sonny Burch and a truth serum, though, gave them a way into the scene.

10. This was the twentieth film to be released by Marvel Studios for the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

11. Ghost is male in the original comics and part of Iron-Man's rogues gallery, never actually crossing paths with Ant-Man. His powers also come from his suit rather than the Quantum Realm. He eventually became an anti-hero after joining a team of superhumans called The Thunderbolts.

12. Director Peyton Reed insisted the film clock in under two hours, for two reasons. "I knew we were going to be following Infinity War which was going to be this massive, massive epic, but most importantly just because this is a comedy, and it's an action/comedy, and it didn't want to overstay its welcome."

13. In the trailer's soundtrack, the higher pitch guitar chords that repeat are the riffs from a song named "Ants Invasion" by Adam and the Ants.

14. This film replaced Marvel's Captain Marvel (2019) in the July 6, 2018, release date originally marked by Marvel Studios.

15. Agent Jimmy Woo actually has a long history in the comics -- the original character dates all the way back to The Yellow Claw in 1957, a short-lived series (only four issues) featuring a Fu Manchu Expy as the titular villain and, much more unusual for the time, a Chinese-American lead in FBI Agent Jimmy Woo... who would later return as a high-ranking S.H.I.E.L.D. agent and eventual team leader in the not-quite-as-short-lived Agents Of ATLAS.

16. Director Peyton Reed stated in a recent interview that he went back and re-watched all of Michelle Pfeiffer's past movies just prior to working with her.

17. The Wasp becomes the second superhero title in the Marvel Cinematic Universe to be passed from parent to child. The first was Black Panther.

18. The trailer contains a scene where Ant-Man and the Wasp bicker about who is going to "go low" and who is going to "go high" when confronting the bad guys. The Wasp argues that she should be the one to "go high" since she has wings. This scene does not appear in the theatrical version of the film.

19. The movie they're watching on the laptop at the "drive-in theater" is Them! (1954), the classic sci-fi flick in which nuclear testing creates giant ants.

20. Lola VFX was responsible for the "young-ification", of Michelle Pfeiffer, Michael Douglas, and the modification of Langston Fishburne to resemble his father, Laurence Fishburne.

21. The idea that Scott had some kind of encounter with Janet while in the quantum realm was suggested in the first film by way of a brief glimpse of a reflection on his helmet. It's unclear as to whether it's an angel, a blob, or Janet, but here it's confirmed that it was actually her.

22. Peyton Reed promised Michael Douglas that he wouldn't be "just a walking exposition machine" this time around.

23. Ghost's costume is based on the character's modern design from Thunderbolts, but still incorporates the hood that was part of the original outfit back in The '80s.

24. Most of the shrunken cars seen inside the Hot Wheels Rally Case are not Hot Wheels made. Specifically, the purple Hyundai Veloster was actually a scaled car from Tomica Die-Cast.

25. Michelle Pfeiffer agreed to appear in the movie because she is a fan of the first Ant-Man.

26. The flashback in the first film to Janet Van Dyne (Pfeiffer) on the missile never showed her face, but Reed told the casting and visual effects departments responsible for the barely visible eyes behind her mask that he wanted it to resemble Pfeiffer. "Michelle was always my dream casting for that role, and that was even before we knew we'd be making a second movie."

27. One of the movie's writers has stated that he believes Norman Osborn aka The Green Goblin, to be Sonny Burch's employer.

28. First movie collaboration for Michelle Pfeiffer and Michael Douglas, who, despite both having careers that span more than three decades, have never worked directly together. The same is true for either Douglas or Pfeiffer and Laurence Fishburne.

29. Reed was inspired by the films After Hours, Midnight Run and What's Up, Doc? for the look and feel of Ant-Man and the Wasp. While the first film was more of a heist film, Reed described this as part action film, part romantic comedy, and wanted this one "to be a little more of like an Elmore Leonard vibe where we have villains, but we also have antagonists, and we have these roadblocks to our heroes getting to where they need to be, and getting what they need for this mission." Regarding the opportunity for character development, Reed used the actions of Lang in Civil War to fuel potential tension between him, Pym, and Van Dyne since Pym is "very clear in the first movie about how he feels about Stark and how he feels about The Avengers and being very protective of this technology that he has."

30. The lab and quantum tunnel set, strongly inspired by Irwin Allen's The Time Tunne l(1966), is the largest physical set that's ever been built for any of the MCU films.

31. This film is Chapter Eight of Phase Three in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

32. The metal suit that Hank wears when meeting Janet in the Quantum Realm resembles his comic counterpart's Goliath costume right down to the "Y"-shaped symbol on the chest.

33. Director Peyton Reeds biggest mandate regarding visual effects was, "photo-realism."

34. The flashback exterior shot of the Pym house that opens the film, was originally filmed for the first movie.

35. Scott helps the Pyms break out of FBI custody (even providing Hope her suit and Hank an FBI uniform), a reversal of roles from the first movie when Hank breaks Scott out of police custody.

36. They weren't sure at first how to get across the ideas of quantum entanglement, but it came clear once they struck on the idea of Scott and Janet basically doing an All of Me (1984) -- Lily Tomlin is trapped in Steve Martin's body with Steve Martin. They had discussed having Pfeiffer perform the scene then have Rudd copy her, but everyone agreed that Rudd would be better simply creating it wholesale.

37. Sharon Stone was considered for the role of Janet Van Dyne.

38. This is the second superhero movie based on Marvel property debuting in 2018 wherein the main actor (in this case, Paul Rudd) also has a writing credit. The first was Ryan Reynolds in Deadpool 2 (2018).

39. Early on there's a brief clip from The Incredible Shrinking Man (1957).

40. Discussions about where to take the third act included the possibility of quantum creatures coming through the tunnel and pouring out into San Francisco, but Peyton Reed wasn't interested. "That kind of stuff felt to me like we've seen this a million times."

41. At the start of November 2016, Peyton Reed said that the film's production would transition from "the writing phase" to "official prep" that month, beginning with visual development. Reed reiterated his excitement for introducing the Wasp and "really designing her look, the way she moves, the power set, and figuring out, sort of, who Hope van Dyne is as a hero". He also talked about sharing characters with other MCU films, stating his disappointment in the Giant-Man introduction happening in Civil War, rather than an Ant-Man film. Reed added that he spends "a lot of time" talking with the other writers and directors of MCU films, and that he and the writers on this film wished to maintain "our little Ant-Man corner of the universe. Because it's a whole different vibe tonally".

42. This was Michelle Pfeiffer's second comic book movie; the other was Batman Returns (1992) in which she played Catwoman. Her Batman co-star, Michael Keaton, played Adrian Toomes/Vulture in Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), which was also part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

43. Evangeline Lilly shared the first publicity still of Hope as Wasp on the 100th birthday of Janet's co-creator, Jack Kirby.

44. The film's title is not shown on screen until the ending credits.

45. Hannah John-Kamen has stated she loved playing Ghost, and in fact would be open to reprising her again in a Thunderbolts movie.

46. The name of Luis and Scott's fledgling security company, "X-CON", is a pun on the fact that they are both ex-convicts, or "ex-cons" for short.

47. They used Elmore Leonard novels, as an inspiration in the sense that while a main antagonist exists they would also have various smaller-level antagonists and threats too.

48. The "io" of the "Marvel Studios" logo has been turned into "10", since it came out the year of the MCU's 10th anniversary.

49. This is Laurence Fishburne's third comic-book series after Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) in which he voiced the Surfer, and the DC Extended Universe films, in which he plays Perry White.

50. They considered doing the end credits in the form of a fake behind-the-scenes documentary designed like they were filming a Godzilla movie from the 50s "with people in suits stomping on model cityscapes." That shifted into a table-top version of the film's action.

51. The word "quantum" is spoken 22 times in Ant-Man and the Wasp (including the post-credit scenes).

52. The character Kurt refers to the witch "Baba Yaga" of Russian folklore. This same reference is made in John Wick (2014), the second installment of which also features actor Laurence Fishburne.

53. Regarding the film itself, it is the 20th entry of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The film also marks the 55th anniversary of the first appearance of The Wasp back in June 1963.

54. The second time that an Ant-Man film will be played in theaters as a direct follow-up to an Avengers film, which is Avengers: Infinity War (2018). Ant-Man (2015) was released months after Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015).

55. Near the beginning, Scott is shown watching Animal House (1978), early discussions of the quantum realm led Peyton Reed to remember the scene from that film which features characters discussing similar ideas, so happily he was able to license a clip from Universal.

56. This is basically a follow-up to both Ant-Man and Captain America: Civil War. When Peyton Reed first saw the latter his first thought was, "Ugh Hank Pym (Douglas) is gonna be pissed off and Hope Van Dyne (Evangeline Lilly) is gonna feel betrayed!" This gave him an "in" for the starting dynamic between Scott Lang (Paul Rudd).

57. Hope's Wasp costume has bits of red on it along with the yellow/gold and black, unlike the contemporary Janet Van Dyne Wasp costume it was patterned after, as a reference to Janet's original red Silver Age Wasp costume and Hope's Red Queen costume in her initial 2000s Alternate Universe comic's appearances.

58. Ghost was a baseline human in the comics who got his powers from the suit. The MCU version is an enhanced human who got her powers from an accident; the suit helps her manage them. Janet van Dyne is a complex example of the trope. In the comics she is a baseline human who later got additional abilities to shoot bio-energy blasts, but here is a baseline human who derives her powers from the suit. Initially, at least. Her time in the Quantum Realm has given her additional powers that she cited as being "evolution".

59. Hannah John-Kamen is the seventh Game of Thrones (2011) actor in the Marvel Cinematic Universe after Finn Jones and Jessica Henwick in Iron Fist (2017), Iwan Rheon in Inhumans (2017), Peter Dinklage in Avengers: Infinity War (2018) and Natalie Dormer and David Bradley in Captain America: The First Avenger (2011). A few others include Clive Russell (the Blackfish in GoT) was Tyr in Thor: TDW. In the same film, Kurse was played by Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (the pirate captain who took Tyrion as a slave), Richard Brake (the Night King in seasons four and five) was an unnamed Asgardian soldier, and Joseph Gatt (a Thenn from season four) was a Frost Giant.

60. Laurence Fishburne is the third actor from The Matrix (1999) to join the Marvel Cinematic Universe after Hugo Weaving (Agent Smith, Red Skull) and Carrie-Anne Moss (Trinity, Jeri Hogarth).

61. The car chase is influenced and inspired by the likes of, Bullitt (1968), The Streets of San Francisco (1972), What's Up, Doc? (1972), and The Raid 2 (2014).

62. In the comics, Elihas Starr is the Ant-Man villain known as Egghead. He does somewhat resemble Egghead in the movie as he is a bald, middle-aged man, but the comics Egghead actually had an egg-shaped head. His comic counterpart has no relation to the comics Ghost who is a male villain of Iron Man.

63. Films like After Hours (1985) and Midnight Run (1988) were looked at for inspiration as movies "with strong ticking clocks."

64. This is Michelle Pfeiffer's third appearance in a movie that was a sequel, following Grease 2 (1982) and Batman Returns (1992). Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (2019) is the fourth sequel for her.

65. Michelle Pfeiffer and Laurence Fishburne both appeared in DC Universe movies. Pfeiffer was in Batman Returns (1992) while Fishburne was in Man of Steel (2013) and the follow-up Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016). Actor Randall Park also shares the MCU and the DCEU, by starring as Agent Jimmy Woo in this movie and playing Dr. Stephen Shin in DCs Aquaman (2018). Another actor sharing the MCU and a DC series is Michael Cerveris, who appears as Elihas Starr in this movie and plays Professor Pyg in Gotham (2014).

66. Cassie says she wants to be Scott's partner. In the comics, she became a size changing superhero, using the name Stature, who joined the Young Avengers after her father's death.

67. In the film, the father of Ghost is revealed to be Elihas Starr. In the comics, Starr is the villain known as Egghead, an evil scientific genius and archenemy of Ant-Man (Hank Pym.)

68. The mid-credits scene takes place at the same time as Avengers: Infinity War (2018), showing the implications of Thanos' actions. The majority of the film prior to that, however, takes place several days earlier (possibly weeks): it stands to reason that the final montage, showing Hank and Janet as well as Scott and Hope rekindling their relationships, takes place over at least a few days (not to mention Hank and Janet needing some time to build a miniature quantum tunnel).

69. CAMEO: Stan Lee: When Wasp is firing shrinking disks at her pursuers, she accidentally shrinks the Ant-Man co-creator's car; Stan then says in response, "The 60s were fun, but now I'm paying for it" (thinking he's having an "acid flashback" - hallucinating from the drugs he used to use). Ironically, during the 60s, Stan was a huge opponent of recreational drugs, and even published such anti-drug messages within his comic books.

70. In the comics, the Ghost and Sonny Burch were primarily enemies of Iron Man.

71. Scott grows 166 ft., near the end when he's in front of the ferry in the water, surpassing Bill Fosters record of 25 ft. Prior to meeting Foster, Scott had already grown over 60 feet by that point (Civil War)

72. In the trailer Scott grows in size in front of a boat full of people and announces, "ME EAT PEOPLE!" to frighten them, but this scene isn't in the final film. Cassie telling Scott, "I wanna fight bad guys like you!" doesn't happen, although the other line about her dad needing a partner when on hero business is left in. The "I have wings, why would I go low?" exchange between Scott and Hope was also not included in the theatrical release.

73. The Ghost isn't evil, just desperate -- her powers are killing her and she just wants to survive. Likewise, her father, Elihas Starr, a.k.a. Egghead, is not a good person by any stretch in the comics, but his only scene in the film is dedicated to him trying to save his wife and daughter.
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2019.08.24 06:46 Himanshu844732 The Angry Birds Movie 2 Full HD Movie Download In Hindi 720p, 480p, 360p 2019

The Angry Birds Movie 2 Full HD Movie Download In Hindi 720p, 480p, 360p 2019

https://preview.redd.it/ktkpbkcttbi31.png?width=216&format=png&auto=webp&s=86aa79528879b7c8dda77010738aeb1b292fd36a
IMDB Rating: 6.4/10Directors: Thurop Van Orman, John Rice (co-director)Writers: Peter Ackerman, Eyal Podell Stars: Jason Sudeikis, Josh Gad, Leslie JonesMovie Type: Action/AdventureRunning Time: 1h 37mRelease Date: 23 August 2019Language: Hindi Dual AudioAngry Birds 2 Budget: $65,000,000 (estimated)

The Angry Birds Movie 2 Cast Names

  • Jason Sudeikis
  • Josh Gad
  • Leslie Jones
  • Bill Hader
  • Rachel Bloom
  • Awkwafina
  • Sterling K. Brown
  • Eugenio Derbez
  • Tiffany Haddish
  • Danny McBride
  • Peter Dinklage
  • Pete Davidson
  • Zach Woods
  • Dove Cameron
  • Maya Rudolph
The Angry Birds Movie 2 Full Movie Story Line The flightless birds and scheming green pigs take their feud to the next level Red, Chuck, Bomb and the rest of their feathered friends are surprised when a green pig suggests that they put aside their differences and unite to fight a common threat. Aggressive birds from an island covered in ice are planning to use an elaborate weapon to destroy the fowl and swine way of life. The Angry Birds Movie 2 Public Review Despite a predictable plot The Angry Birds Movie 2 is great fun. Jason Sudeikis, Danny McBride, Josh Gad, Bill Hader, and Sterling K. Brown give great performances. The animation is really good, it's fast-paced and consistently really funny. The music is also surprisingly great. The Angry Birds Movie 2 Full HD Movie Download In Hindi 720p, 480p, 360p 2019 The Angry Birds Movie 2 Full HD Movie Download Khatri Maza, DownloadHub, 9xMovies And FullMoviesMaza Angry Birds, Angry Birds Movie 2 Download Hindi.
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Click Here To Download The Angry Birds Movie 2 Full HD Download In Hindi Or English

submitted by Himanshu844732 to u/Himanshu844732 [link] [comments]


2019.08.16 08:18 OldmanRevived i saw two movies (The Angry Birds Movie 2, Good Boys)

first up was The Angry Birds Movie 2
not only has the new “Angry Birds” movie been released on a date coinciding with the ten year anniversary of the popular app, but it also has a cooperative tie-in video game for the PlayStation VR system. isn’t that something? a game based off of a movie that is itself based off of a game.
i didn’t get a chance to see the first “Angry Birds” movie, but thanks to this one, i don’t have to. opening dialogue passages give you every inch of information that you need: Red (Jason Sudeikis) was originally a bitter outcast in the realm of Bird Island. but, after saving the townspeople from the dangers of their rivals over at Pig Island, he accumulated a legendary status. the pigs eventually rebuilt their refuge, and now the two sides are in constant battle, propelling whatever wacky, spontaneous objects they can gather. Red maintains security for all incoming threats with his two pals Chuck (Josh Gad) and Bomb (Danny McBride).
one morning, the leader of the pigs, King Leonard (Bill Hader) notices a giant ice ball flung from a mysterious isle nearby. this is known as Eagle Island, a frozen wasteland run by Zeta (Leslie Jones). frustrated with her surroundings, she plans to occupy the two lands by forcing the inhabitants to evacuate. Leonard rushes over to Red, attempting to bring a truce to the birds and pigs. Red agrees, but only with the fear that his reputation will disintegrate and send him back to square one. they recruit Chuck, Bomb, and the Mighty Eagle (Peter Dinklage) who hides an insecurity of his own.
for engineering expertise, they come to Chuck’s sister, Silver (Rachel Bloom), whom Red met earlier at a speed-dating session. thus bringing the will they, won’t they scenario where the audience has to guess if the two birds will be touching beaks. but enough of that. their real goal is to infiltrate the eagle base and save the two islands from mass destruction.
there’s also a cute little aside featuring three little hatchlings, who share the traits of pronouncing R’s as W’s and having eyes as big as flying saucers. they plan to act in a play using three eggs, all of which are future little sisters. as luck would have it, the eggs drift away in the sea, making them set sail in a wild goose (scratch that, egg) chase.
i was delightfully amused throughout most of this. but, being me, i couldn’t help the analytical confusion to non-trivial aspects that came to mind. why do the birds need to fling themselves from sling shots? aeronautical functions don’t seem to apply in this universe, maybe because the wings are opposable. i also found it a bit odd how the birds procreate different colors, sizes and breeds, yet the pigs are stuck with the same genetic code.
but i’m getting way too ahead of myself. kids aren’t going to give a hoot one way or the other about the economics of bird and pig culture. the movie still provides a thoroughly energetic story along with tactical animation. the leads are equally composed to the secondary characters, which have the voice talents of Sterling K. Brown, Awkwafina, and Tiffany Haddish.
while not completely gambling full praise, “The Angry Birds Movie 2” is a jolly, innocuous family picture that has enough laughs in store for everyone. yes, that means it'll even keep the parents from drifting off to sleep. for a movie based on an app, it’s better than it has any right to be.

next up was Good Boys
i can't remember the last time i literally laughed out loud during a comedy. that's not to say if i don't laugh, i don't find the movie funny. it's just that there haven't been any in the last couple years to gain that sort of reaction from my diaphragm. that all changed today. there's a scene in "Good Boys" that made me laugh so uncontrollably it was almost humiliating.
the sequence takes place in a fraternity house, and it's chock full of small lines that provide no context but all context at the same time. when the kids start shooting a paintball gun at the frat guys, one member enters the room and ecstatically says "She dropped the charges!" before getting hit. we all know what charges he's talking about.
i have no idea what came over me. the timing, the way that small piece of dialogue was transmitted, the fact that it was all said and done within a millisecond and never mentioned again, that's just what true comedy is. here is a movie that knows repetition is not key, and that it shouldn't take one clever gag and continuously rub your nose in it. the duration of each joke is always on target, never being short enough to not have a payoff or long enough to lose our interest. "Good Boys" returns to the feeling of therapeutic laughter. you don't feel the filmmakers lighting up a sign and telling you when to react. for once, they let the jokes flow naturally, and you'll know when the big ones hit you.
the movie is centered around three young boys: Max (Jacob Tremblay), Thor (Brady Noon) and Lucas (Keith L. Williams). best friends since childhood, they've formed a revolt known as the Bean Bag Boys, keeping an affinity for delinquent trends. like any grade school kid, they have runarounds with snot nosed bullies. the most respected ruler is Atticus, an aviator-wearing punk who pressures them into completing dangerous conquests, such as taking a few sips from a stolen beer bottle. these kids haven't quite caught up to civility yet, which is proven by their misinformed talks on sex ed.
Max is invited to a "kissing party" being thrown by the popular group of kids, and quickly starts to panic due to his inexperience with girls. eager for some pointers, the boys attempt to spy on a teenage couple using a drone. once that plan backfires and the drone gets confiscated, the boys set off an odyssey of ridiculously bad decisions to win it back. this involves some accidentally stolen drugs, awkward encounters with the cops, and chase pursuits with teenage girls.
Tremblay, Noon, and Williams are wildly gifted young performers. all three of them have no struggle adapting to the material, as their feeble-mindedness is pulled off with a certain naivete. we were all sixth graders once, and the movie's persistence in folly is sure to draw back unwanted memories. it's easy to forget how kids can extract wisdom from their own strong stupidity at that age. we learn not because of what parents or teachers told us, but because our mistakes were prevalent for making more complex decisions.
i mentioned earlier how it's been a while since i laughed at a comedy, but it's also been a while since i've seen a movie where kids act like real kids. restriction doesn't perform its job like it used to. nowadays, they can swear without the risk of having their mouths washed with Lifebouy soap. they can access any or all inappropriate websites with the tap of a finger. the one thing they still can't figure out is how to open a vitamin bottle.
"Good Boys" is downright hilarious while also having a heart beneath the veneer of dirty talk. producers Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg have successfully made a vulgar romp fest for unsheltered kids who will probably end up seeing it anyway. i don't think it'll live up to the same cult status as "Superbad," but it doesn't exactly need to in order to be a good movie. you judge it based on how hard you laughed, and i can only hope that you laugh as hard as i did.
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2019.07.31 16:59 acautelado 'Angry Birds 2' Review Thread

Rotten Tomatoes: 78% (9 critics) with 6.0 in average
Critics Consensus: -
Metacritic: 62/100 (4 critics)
As with other movies, the scores are set to change as time passes. Meanwhile, I'll post some short reviews on the movie.
Moving beyond the confines of the app’s premises, The Angry Birds Movie 2 starts slow but flourishes into breezy, colourful fun.
-Ian Freer, Empire 3/5
Van Orman, Emmy-nominated creator of the quirky, cult-inspiring kids’ cartoon series “The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack,” brings just the right level of dippy zeal to the project, committing to extended, farcical routines that, at their most immaculately choreographed and paced, channel the pure, physical hilarity of vintage Chaplin or Sellers.
-Guy Lodgey, Variety 7/10
The tone and the plot take some time to settle, but once they’ve hit their stride (and adults decide to surrender their senses and go along for the ride), the bird and pig unit become almost affable in their daftness.
-Jason Solomons, The Wrap 3/5
 
THE ANGRY 2 BIRDS MOVIE
 
DIRECTOR
Thurop Van Orman
MUSIC COMPOSER
Heitor Pereira
CINEMATOGRAPHER
Simon Dunsdon
Release date:
14 August, 2019
Budget:

STARRING
submitted by acautelado to movies [link] [comments]


2019.07.08 21:00 DangerDylan [Monday, 08. July]

World News

African leaders to launch landmark 55-nation trade zone: It took African countries four years to agree to a free-trade deal in March. The trade zone would unite 1.3 billion people, create a $3.4 trillion economic bloc and usher in a new era of development across the continent
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The Russian collective Pussy Riot will perform in Alabama on Thursday, a sold-out concert to raise money for women's rights groups in light of the state's recent passage of a near-total ban on abortion
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More than two thirds of UK millennials believe their generation will be 'worse off' than their parents’ - Almost two thirds (62 per cent) of the 1,030 16-24-year-olds polled by YouGov felt the Government cared more about older generations than their own.
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All news, US and international.

All of Mississippi's beaches have been closed for swimming due to toxic algae
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An exotic-looking orange bird turned out to be a seagull covered in curry
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USA Women’s Volleyball: Team USA overcomes 0-2 set deficit against powerhouse Brazil to win VNL World Championship gold medal
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Science

Quitting alcohol may improve mental well-being, health-related quality of life, suggests a new study, which found men and women who were lifetime abstainers had the highest level of mental well-being, and women who were moderate drinkers and quit, linked to a favourable change in mental well-being.
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In a step toward molecular storage systems to hold vast amounts of data in tiny spaces, researchers store image files in solutions of common biological small molecules, and read the information back out again, which can have even greater information density than DNA, in a new proof-of-concept study.
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A Heat-recovery system along 50 to 60 percent of Lausanne, Switzerland's planned metro route would heat the equivalent of 1,500 apartments
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/Technology

Bill Gates says Steve Jobs was a master at ‘casting spells’ to keep Apple from dying
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European Net Neutrality is Under Attack
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FBI, ICE find state driver’s license photos are a gold mine for facial-recognition searches
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Sadly, this is not the Onion.

Waldo man who threw party for pothole celebrates after it is fixed
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Boy stabs brother, says jail is better than 8-hour drive in the car with his sibling
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‘Now this is how you party!’ Man tried to run over neighbors popping fireworks in the street, deputies say
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Ask Reddit...

You have to cook one dish for Gordon Ramsey. If he doesn't like it, you will die. What dish do you cook for him?
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Death comes for you on your deathbed, but before he takes you to the afterlife he offers you a small favour, what do you ask of him?
Comments
What is the freakiest/creepiest thing that’s ever happened to you? [Serious]
Comments

Sysadmin

"An employer once said, "What if I train my people and they leave?" I say, what if you don't train them... and they stay..." -- Evan Kirshenbaum
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GDPR News - British Airways faces $230 million fine over data theft (Reuters)
Comments
Here is a document/checklist outlining best practices for service/server migrations.
Comments

Microsoft SQL Server

sp_execute_external_script and SQL Injection
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How to connect an SQL SERVER database to an ASP.NET project ?
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PowerShell

New module: kbupdate - get detailed info about KBs & download
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(RTPSUG) Writing Code: Moving from admin scripter to PowerShell developer
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Get adjacent Index in array
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Functional 3D Printing

Spotted this print at the car wash today, had to share.
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A coaster I designed and printed to level out the crossed wires on the cup holder on my desk
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Carcarssonne tile dispenser (spring-action)
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Data Is Beautiful

Weekly video game sales animated [OC]
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Drinking in the dating scene: Over 50% of millennials have 1-2 drinks before meeting someone for the first time on a date
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More than 8 years of messages between my girlfriend and me. [OC]
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Today I Learned (TIL)

TIL Pill Bugs are not insects but land crustaceans related to lobsters and shrimp. They breathe through gills, can drink through their anus, and excrete gas through their exoskeleton instead of urinating.
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TIL Gay men incarcerated in Nazi concentration camps during World War II were forced back into prison even after the Allied forces won that conflict.
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TIL that elephants are so complex they are able to mourn, cry, have mental breakdowns, play the drums, paint, mimic humans’ speech and show basic arithmetic skills.
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So many books, so little time

Tired of Amazon damaging books by shipping them with no padding!
Comments
Pale Blue Dot: A Vision of the Human Future in Space is by far the greatest book I've ever read.
Comments
'It sickens me': Gillian Flynn slams Gone Girl theory in missing woman case
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OldSchoolCool: History's cool kids, looking fantastic

Madonna and the Beastie Boys, 1985
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My dad in the late 80’s with a self-cut mullet and a boom box
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Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter married on 7/7/1946, 73rd Anniversary today
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aviation

Landing with strong headwind
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I stuck my upper body out of a B-17 over Puget Sound a few weeks ago. Was exhilarating! 160mph causes some nice wind effects on the video.
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The colours on this Trent 1000. Found myself looking at it for ages.
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Reddit Pics

Married 7/7/1946, 73rd Anniversary today
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My attempt at a NYC Paris small world
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My sister got married yesterday and they looked incredible
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.gifs - funny, animated gifs for your viewing pleasure

Horse knows what to do
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Flawless technique
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Bearly legal
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A subreddit for cute and cuddly pictures

My 7 yr old boy Snake was getting lonely when I'm away at work so I brought him home a kitten. I was so nervous to introduce them, but I don't know why... This is day 3.
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Peter Dinklage and his daughter
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Once-in-a-lifetime photo I snapped in Egypt
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2019.06.21 01:41 TheDuzzyFuckling In 2019, you could go on this road trip and go to EIGHT Mountain West games before October

Okay, so it’s not strictly a road trip, because it starts in Hawai’i, but here are the dates, games, and routes for the trip:

Week Zero

Will Hawai'i be fun again this year? Will Khalil Tate return to 2017 form? Will either of these teams play any defense whatsoever? FIND OUT IN WEEK ZERO

Week One

Let's be real, UNC will probably be favored. Buy a ticket at the gate when you arrive and sit in the sun with the dozens of other fans in attendance. Pat yourself on the back, you've now been to two of the worst stadiums in college football. Look on the bright side - everything has also been super overpriced so far!

Purdue might be the best out-of-conference team you see on this trip and THAT is saying something. Nevada is looking to rebound from several mediocre years, possibly led by signal-caller Malik Henry of Last Chance U fame.

Week Two

Boise State looks to continue its streak as one of the Group of 5's top teams, but will be replacing starters at QB, RB, WR, and several other positions on offense and special teams. Quietly-successful Marshall hopes to be one of the few teams not named the Aztecs to come to The Blue and hand the Broncos a loss.

The Aggies were a surprise contender in the Mountain West last season until we (Boise State) ruined it by beating them at home (again). Under new/former head coach Gary Andersen, they'll be thirsty for blood against a fairly strong Seawolves side that made the first round of FCS playoffs last year.

Week Three

The Cowboys seemed directionless without Josh Allen in 2018, but they're playing the Vandals. Peter Dinklage could start at QB for Wyoming and I'd still take them by 40.

Week Four

CSU is another MWC team looking to start fresh in 2019 but has a tough test against an explosive Toledo offense that will be coming off a game against FCS Murray State. Grab a ticket on the New Belgium Porch and enjoy what should be an offense-dominated game in one of college football's best new stadiums.

Week Five

Finish the trip by rooting for a service academy to lay down a beating on the 0-3 (probably) Spartans. Go home and revel in the fact that you've been to more Mountain West games in five weeks than most people attend in their lifetimes. Leave Karen a voicemail telling her all about your amazing experience in her absence. Finally, start planning the eventual trip to Albuquerque, Las Vegas, San Diego, and Fresno, to complete your journey around the conference.
submitted by TheDuzzyFuckling to CFB [link] [comments]


2019.06.04 16:58 LegendInMyMind X-Men Films Continuity (Warning - Long Post)

So this is a topic which is probably the one that most immediately springs to mind whenever one thinks of the X-Men films. It's kind of become a 'how not to' in terms of crafting cinematic universes, and I think that's both fair and unfair in equal measure. Admittedly, the greater continuity is a product of many different creative voices which have not always been in alignment. Matthew Vaughn wanted a full reboot with First Class, but Bryan Singer and Fox felt otherwise. Highs were followed by lows. Some movies were such 'lows' that they were retconned at the first opportunity. Even great entries such as Logan didn't necessarily hold 'continuity' as being much of a consideration. And so on.
Even though all of this is true, I think that the continuity of the movies MOSTLY works in broad strokes. I'd argue that many of the gaps are reasonably explainable, and those explanations are 'reaches' to varying extents. Some are pretty palatable, some are a bit of a stretch. So with that said, let's address a few of these inconsistencies, starting with X-Men: First Class:
  1. Wait, Xavier met Magneto when?? In X1, Professor X informs Logan that, among other things, he first met Erik Lehnsherr, aka Magneto, when he was 17 years old and that they became friends based on their obviously common goals and status. First Class pretty immediately torpedoes that with depicting an altogether different meeting - but setting up a similar relationship. Possible explanation - All of what happened in First Class is classified information, as it involved the CIA, and as such is something that Xavier would have reason to keep secret as he believes himself to still be a 'G-Man, but without the G'. Because then they get into the whole Cuban Missile Crisis and these are cards that one could see that Xavier would play close to the vest. So what he told Logan was to keep the 'official story' intact. Xavier can be secretive, both in the films and comics, if the need arises. Reach or Reasonable? Bit of a reach, but a reasonable reach.
  2. Hold on, Xavier and Mystique were like brother and sister at one point?? Yep, from the mid-1940s until the early-1960s, Charles Xavier and Raven Darkholme were inseparable. Or so First Class says. The OT seems to have painted a different picture, with their sole interaction being that Mystique incapacitated Prof. X by sabotaging Cerebro. Possible explanation - Their split, and one needs to keep in mind that this was only rectified AFTER the timeline was altered in DoFP, was 40 years before the events of X1. That's more time apart than they ever had together. At that, DoFP shows us exactly how Mystique went from the well-intentioned freedom fighter we were reintroduced to in FC after our first impression as the cold-hearted killer - she was tortured and experimented on by Trask Industries after her first kill. Reach or Reasonable? I vote 'reasonable'.
  3. I'm pretty sure that Xavier was walking in the '80s scene in X3. This one's actually kind of cool in terms of how DoFP addressed it, in my opinion. Possible explanation - DoFP offers two potential 'fixes' to this. The one that I tend to lean towards is that Xavier at the beginning of X3 was not at Jean's house in physical form but was rather an Astral Projection. And DoFP sets this up by Xavier's interaction with Mystique in the airport where he shows up in Astral form. The second is the spinal treatment that Beast devised which allowed Xavier to walk. But as this treatment took away his telepathy, and that he demonstrated telepathy in the scene with young Jean Grey, I lean away from this possible explanation. Reach or Reasonable? Reasonable.
  4. I thought Xavier and Magneto built Cerebro? Possible explanation - First off, Xavier never said that he and Magneto designed Cerebro. Just that Magneto had helped him build it. The Cerebro in FC is also not the one that we see in the OT. We don't see Cerebro as we know it until DoFP, and while it seems to have been constructed during a period where Xavier and Magneto were at odds, there is roughly a year between FC and the JFK assassination which landed Magneto in prison where Magneto COULD have helped Xavier build Cerebro. Their split in FC was semi-amicable (all things considered), with Magneto's obvious guilt and Xavier encouraging Mystique to go with Magneto as his way was what she really wanted. We also actually see Magneto and Jean Grey rebuild the mansion, and presumably Cerebro, at the end of Apocalypse (which, granted, didn't occur in the original timeline but could have occurred in some other event - the point is that it's not unprecedented). Reach or Reasonable? Reach.
  5. Xavier doesn't demonstrate as much knowledge about Magneto shielding himself from Cerebro as one would expect, given that he saw him with Sebastian Shaw's helmet. Possible explanation - Xavier in the OT would have known that Magneto lost that helmet when he was locked up underneath the Pentagon for his role in the JFK assassination. Having said that, he was clearly aware of its function in countering telepathy and was capable of crafting another one. Reach or Reasonable? Reach.
  6. Emma Frost was in First Class, and was apparently killed before the events of DoFP, so how would she have ever been in Origins...? Possible explanation - Pretty much the only explainable scenario here, unless Ms. Frost pulled a 'Charles Xavier' and transferred her consciousness into another body, is that the 'Emma' (only called 'Emma Frost' in a character profile not in the film) in Origins was an altogether different Emma who coincidentally could change into diamond form. OR she could've transferred her consciousness into another body, a la Charles Xavier, and then manipulated Silverfox into her actions for some reason. Reach or Reasonable? Reaching for the stars. Let's just agree that X-Men Origins: Wolverine is an all-around pile of crap and that the series works better without it. Honestly, this type of 'reach' wouldn't have even been out of place in that movie...
  7. Rose Byrne and Olivia Williams are playing two different Moira McTaggerts..? Possible explanation - Yep, either Moira switched careers and aged fantastically well (something that kinda goes around in the X-Men franchise), or X3 Moira was a relative of the FC Moira. Reach or Reasonable? Reach, but Dr. McTaggert being a relative of Agent McTaggert isn't THAT big of a stretch.
DoFP addressed some continuity concerns, and some of them I listed above in the FC section, but it also seems to have added a little confusion as well:
  1. Why does Xavier still look like Patrick Stewart, and why is he in a wheelchair after transferring his consciousness to the patient from X3? Possible explanation - So everyone should be aware by now that X3's end-credits scene revealed that Charles Xavier transferred his consciousness to the body of the brain-dead man - who was actually born with no higher-level brain function and has been a vegetable for his entire life - we saw in Xavier's classroom lecture. What a lot of people don't realize is that this man's name is 'P. Xavier'. The implication being that it's Charles Xavier's twin brother, whose mind was destroyed by Charles in the womb in a sort of Cassandra Nova way. The filmmakers of X3 set this up not just to return Xavier to the series but to return Patrick Stewart as well. Whatever you can say about how poorly X3 handled this story, the films which have come after certainly honored that intention. Further, the comatose state and resulting muscular atrophy of this man's body would account for Professor Xavier's continued use of a wheelchair after transference. This individual, after all, has never gotten out of bed. Reach or Reasonable? Reasonable, in a 'Gee, thanks for this curveball, X3' kind of way.
  2. Wolverine had bone claws when we last saw him in The Wolverine. Now they're back to adamantium...? Possible explanation - So DoFP's 'future' is set 10 years after The Wolverine. These time jumps are both a benefit and a curse. For one, it allows for a lot of growth to have occurred and a variable production/art design, so it's a benefit. The curse is that people forget about how much can change in a decade and assume that these massive changes from where we left the characters are 'inconsistencies'. No one stays static for 10 years. And in those 10 years, two things which are important to Wolverine occurred. 1) He's allied with Magneto, someone who can manipulate adamantium. 2) The world became more dangerous than ever, necessitating adamantium claws instead of bone claws for the sake of sheer survival. I can put those demonstrated mechanics into the old 'logic machine' and come out with a sensible feeling for what happened to Wolverine's claws between The Wolverine and DoFP... Reach or Reasonable? Reasonable.
  3. A tale of two Trasks... Possible explanation - 'Secretary Trask' is never referred to as 'Bolivar' in X3, at least not in the actual film. So while Secretary Trask was obviously intended to be Bolivar Trask, this was retconned to allow for Dr. Bolivar Trask to do his thing back in the '70s, as portrayed by Peter Dinklage instead of anyone who looked remotely like Bill Duke. Also, felons can't run for office... Reach or Reasonable? Reasonable. Retcons happen.
X-Men: Apocalypse added a few more:
  1. Inconsistent character ages are inconsistent. Possible explanation - So basically Apocalypse started over with character ages. Even stalwarts such as Storm, Jean, and Cyclops seem to be inconsistent when taking cameos in FC and Origins into account, and there are some obvious ones with Jubilee and Warren Worthington, III, aka Angel, aka Archangel. Clearly there's no in-universe explanation for this, right? Well, not exactly. It's cavalier, but the filmmakers basically used their concept of the 'timeline' in DoFP to enact changes both pre- and post-timeline alteration. It comes from Beast's explanation of time as a river. 'Throw a rock in a river, you'll create ripples, but you don't divert the river. It keeps flowing.' The changes in DoFP are the result of ripples. Ripples flow circular, in every direction. Events were changed, but time didn't stop, it kept moving forward. Basically, the hand-wavey explanation is that some characters got shifted around the timeline when the pebbles were thrown into the 'river' that is the timestream because this is Hollywood and as Bryan Singer put it 'it lets me do whatever I want with these characters'. Reach or Reasonable? Quantum reach.
Logan:
  1. Why are there obviously two Calibans...? Possible explanation - There aren't. There's only one. Stephen Merchant's Caliban from Logan was a much older version of Tomas Lemarquis' Caliban from Apocalypse. And, really, he looks older. The vocal cadence is obviously different, this is a different take on the character, but that could be explainable as Caliban's 'shtick' that he summarily dropped after Apocalypse put him out of business. The Caliban in Logan is a broken down shell of what he used to be. Kind of a running theme of that film... Reach or Reasonable? I vote 'reasonable'.
  2. In which timeline does Logan even exist...? Possible explanation - Logan's best fit is with the revised timeline following up on DoFP. No sentinels, and while Logan presents sort of a broken world, it's nowhere close to the harsh dystopia of DoFP's 'dark future'. It's still recognizably civil, with the exception of the lack of mutant births in 25 years. Logan takes place in 2029, 6 years removed from the seemingly idyllic 2023 future that Logan woke up to in DoFP. This tacitly implies that the students seen in the 'good future' of DoFP are all 19 at the youngest, which is a bit of a stretch... Anyway, it's a bit sobering that from that relatively happy-ish ending, 'Logan' is where everything went, but director James Mangold intentionally pushed past DoFP's future setting to go past any point the series had gone to date. One holdover here is Xavier's reference to Logan killing Jean Grey - saying that he had a wife but had 'killed her' which made for a pretty awkward moment at dinner. Thing about that is that, yeah, Xavier is senile. That's a tragic aspect of his characterization. Logan and Jean were never married. Obviously, that's the depth of Logan's feelings for Jean, but that was never an actual thing. But glaringly, this event, where Wolverine killed the Phoenix, occurred in the original timeline. Why would Xavier be talking about something that as of this timeline never really occurred? Because, to Wolverine, whose mind and memories are of the original timeline, it did occur. And that's the mind that Xavier is reading. The question about whether or not Wolverine ever married brought that up, and that's the psychic impression that a senile Xavier got when he said what he said. Reach or Reasonable? Reasonable.
submitted by LegendInMyMind to xmen [link] [comments]


2019.05.18 17:35 onepiecereread My heartfelt thanks to /r/FreeFolk for this journey!

A brief journey of my experience with the show & the books:

I watched Game of Thrones in 2012 when I went to a local library and picked up a copy of the book and in its cover advertised the HBO show at the time. Since, I was lazy to read right away, I had watched the first season and it was exhilarating so i continued my pace and finished season 2 which had come out just that year. I then picked up the books now curious reading from Books 1 to 5 between 2012 and 2013 before Season 3 aired. I was caught up to the plot of the books with all of the main points - Red wedding, Purple wedding, Tyrion's trial and subsequent killing of Tywin and the brutal death of Jon Snow.

As i watched Seasons 3-4 in 2013 & 2014, I was amazed at the production of the show but there was something that was bothering me during Season 4 and i couldn't quite place my finger on what that was. For e.g., the overly gratuitous sex scenes involving Oberyn, Loras Tyrell and the gory death of Ros, the prostitute. It was also the odd placement of some characters like Jaime appearing in King's Landing at the start of the season that caused some butterfly effect. The fact that he was there from the beginning and couldn't do anything during Tyrion's trial and Joffrey's death made it weird since it wasn't something that happened in the books. Also, equally disturbing was him raping Cersei in the crypts in front of Joffrey. Don't get me wrong, this happens in the books but it is the first thing that Jaime does when he arrives in King's Landing, but the books frame how apathetic he is to Joffrey's death and doesn't care about Cersei's consent. All Cersei is to Jaime is just a cum bucket to drain himself off and it is kind of a shock to the reader especially because you start to relate to his POV chapters. This is what George was really good at - Show you how human his characters are. The other major part that bothered me was Tyrion's escape. Jaime and Tyrion part on extremely bad terms in the books - It is ironic that the two brothers who dearly love each other say the most horrible truths to the other so they can suffer with it through the rest of their journey. Jaime confesses Tysha was not a whore and was really just a commoner who fell in love with Tyrion. You see THIS is why Tyrion goes into the secret tunnels to the Tower of the Hand to get the truth from his father. But the second knife in his stomach is seeing Shae in Tywin's bed and this revolts him and also makes him realize the truth about his father being a hypocrite. I could write so much about this specific sequence!! The show stripped all of Tyrion's agency away when he kills Shae in self-defense because Tyrion in the books strangles her and murders her for the betrayal.

These were some serious changes the show made and i was baffled as to why they didn't keep them but I thought to myself that i was being very nitpicky and was still very much excited about Season 5 when it started to get worse. There were 4 major differences in this season and i started to see the strings that Dan & David were pulling to reveal the direction that they were taking the story:

I started to see the pattern in the adaptation. It is not that these things didn't happen in the books, but it was the way that these events happened - It was almost as if the showrunners felt that they didn't have the time to get into the reasons of HOW they ended up happening but it was important to them that these events happen. I was starting to feel like these weren't the characters I had come to read in the books. I had rewatched the series after Season 5 and came to understand 2 things - Dan & David liked some POV characters very much from the start and colored them with a moral compass that they thought these characters should be and later justified it as a character motivation to the audience which was quite puzzling.

The thing that PULLED me out of the show was the rape of Sansa Stark in Winterfell. Not only did it NOT happen to that character in the books what infuriated me the most was the rationale behind it as they explained in an interview to Time:

“It might not be our world,” says Benioff, “but it’s still the same basic power dynamic between men and women in this medieval world. This is what we believed was going to happen.” Adds Weiss: “We talked about, is there any other way she could possibly avoid this fate that doesn’t seem fake, where she uses her pluck to save herself at the last? There was no version of that that didn’t seem completely horrible.”

They put the character in the position in the first place and rather than address the motivations of WHY, they talk about the realistic nature of the world as an excuse to justify the WHY.

Let me be clear - since this was the straw that broke the back for me - I am not arguing that Sansa wouldn't be in that position if she was put there in the books. In fact, it does happen to her best friend, Jeyne Poole. It was the fact that it undermined the very point George R R Martin was making when it happened: Jeyne Poole was set in the backstage for most of the novels. We see her in the initial chapters when she's with Sansa and we get to know her sorrow when her father is killed in the attack in King's Landing by Jaime. Not only is Jeyne then kept it in Littlefinger's brothel, we see her used as a pawn by Littlefinger & Tywin Lannister, called Arya Stark and is shipped her off to Winterfell to appease the Boltons as a means to justify their takeover. The point was for George to have us care about this girl who wasn't a POV and show how ruthless this world is to the smallfolk. That is a theme that gets repeatedly stressed quite often in Arya's chapters.

And with the end of Season 5, I had just stopped reading the show as I realized this wasn't written with an understanding of the world, the characters and the setting they are adapting. As D&D themselves said:
Showrunner David Benioff said pairing these two characters—played by Emmy winner Peter Dinklage and Emmy nominee Emilia Clarke—was one of the twists the producers most eagerly anticipated this season.
“We’re really excited to see these two characters we love so much finally set eyes on each other,” Benioff said. “Creatively it made sense to us, because we wanted it to happen. They’re two of the best characters of the show. To have them come so close together this season then have them not meet felt incredibly frustrating. Also, we’re on a relatively fast pace. We don’t want to do a 10-year adaptation of the books, we don’t want to do a nine-year adaptation. We’re not going to spend four seasons in Meereen. It’s time for these two to get together. It’s hard to come up with a more eloquent explanation, but this just felt right.

My Journey in reddit

/asoiaf became my only solace because that was still the only place to read theories and predict what was going to happen in the books. Predicting events in the show became impossible because of what D&D had said. You can only predict something when you trust the author to have characters do the things they would do impulsively, irrationally or rationally. But D&D were just on a race course to finish the series and it didn't matter how it happened except on their terms. The tide in 2015 back in the subreddit was everyone liked the show bar a few people like me that complained. We were cast off as nitpickers but there was also great resentment against GRRM with his new year's post debacle. I was also told several times by my friends, colleagues and redditors that the show & books are in two different universes - but i was also told repeatedly when Shireen burned that this also happens in the books EXACTLY the same way even though there was no book to point that out and it now became an in-universe thing. I was angry and bitter about the whole thing like i was entitled to something better and that made me angry because i knew it wasn't right.

The whole world was enjoying the TV show and it became obvious that this was a landmark in pop culture. People met each other through Game of Thrones, became friends or lovers. I remember dating people specifically because they thought I had really cool things to say about the show & the books. Colleagues who worked in an office used the show as a water cooler moment to discuss about it just like you would any sport. Not everyone watches the show like me - with an intention to understand the show. It's a great past time for people to spend time with their friends on a weekend, talk and chat animatedly about it and move on. /freefolk was a place that helped me with this realization. Here was a group of people that didn't nitpick the show, made memes, celebrated all the moments in the series (regardless of how i felt about it). This subreddit really helped heal away that anger and just see the show as it set in a really crazy, weird universe where nothing made sense, everything was HYPE and the NO RULE, NO KNEEL aspect of it all made me a better person for it. This sub helped me understand something that a mangaka once said about his work:

my Mentor told me that the "manga universe" you create is a product, and after people spend money on that product, it's not a pro thing for us to complain about it. I agree with him. Please enjoy my work with any interpretation or imagination as per your liking. I'm just happy you read my manga.

Maybe this is how George feels today. He'll still try to attempt and finish the books. If he doesn't, too bad but atleast i will have the 5 books with me as a memory of what a good attempt that was to complete a great series.

Ironically, 4 years later, this subreddit has finally woken out of its shell, seen the show for what it really is. But, i honestly like that there are people that love this show despite acknowledging its faults. It makes for a better water cooler discussion now!

Thanks everyone!

EDIT: I enjoy A Song of Ice and Fire series. I was not a big fan of AWOIAF and Fire & Blood and other historical snippets thrown into volumes. I think that helps George solidify things but it's not when he's at his best. I really loved Dunk & Egg series - It really captures for me what he's really good at within 60 pages or less.
submitted by onepiecereread to freefolk [link] [comments]


2019.05.16 23:43 ExuberantRaptorZeta The questions we should be asking about Endgame

Going on my 5th time seeing Endgame, and I've got some thoughts.
• Ant-Man jumping off a pencil eraser is the most satifising sound.
• Every single time near the end of the credits I've seen: "Elvis Trademark by Elvis Presley Estate or whatever" and every single time I've been like "Where in the world was Elvis?" There's no Elvis song, no Elvis hologram cameo à la Blade Runner: 2049, no poster of Elvis that I've seen. And I haven't seen anyone else on the internet able to explain this either. If you have an Elvis Endgame theory, please email it to [email protected].
• The word "idiot" is uttered 6 times in Endgame, probably more than every other MCU film combined. Most of them are uncalled for. Scott eating a taco and marveling at a faster-than-light space craft and nicely saying hi is not an idiot. Quill singing along to his favorite song while thinking he's alone is not an idiot. Clint trying to save his best friend from killing herself is not an idiot. Thor reffering to himself as an idiot, maybe.
• How does Pepper's very long straight strawberry blonde hair fit inside the auto-materializing Rescue helmet?
• How do Hope and Valkyrie have connected intercoms to Cap and assumedly everyone else?
• "I wasn't always this way", says Nebula, the 90% cyborg. "Me neither.. but we work with what we got, right?", replies Rhodey, the regular guy with spints.
• Natalie Portman's only new contribution to this film is a new line of dialog, as the footage of her was taken from a deleted scene from Thor: The Dark World. That new line is heard off-screen as the Queen's handmaids hand her a dress to change into. Jane says "Do you have anything with pants?" One of the handmaids replies, "Pants?" She retorts, "Nevermind, this will do fine." So then why does 5 seconds later Rocket slap Thor and say "Will you help me stab this thing in hot-pants and help me get my family back?" when we just established she doesn't have pants?
• When seeing the film in IMAX, you are treated to an extended taller frame, with 1.9:1 aspect ratio rather than the standard 2.39:1. This is only noticeable 3 times. Once is because I want them to release the full-framed shot of Cap with a broken shield and wielding Mjolnir facing down an entire army by himself to make my wallpaper 'til the end of time because it's the most beautiful and truly epic shot in cinema history and 1.9:1 would fit better on a 16:9 laptop screen than 2.39:1. Another is Thanos' decapitated head gets more room to play and Nebula respectfully closing his eyes is more prominent. But the third time is a mistake. It spoils the pan down reveal of "Welcome to New Asguard" sign while The Kinks song is playing, because it's already there at the very bottom of the shot from the beginning. Now the only thing the pan reveals is "Tønsberg, Norway" which is cool, but it was definitely a mistake to just leave the "Welcome to New Asguard" lingering there for so long. The DP probably was so focused on the 2.39 line crop that 99% of people will see that he forgot a handful of IMAX bois would see all.
• Everyone is talking about the timelines the Avengers screwed up like a 2012 where Loki escapes to who knows where with the Tesseract, and Hydra thinks Cap is on their side, and Cap fought Cap and knows Bucky is alive, and Tony had a minor heart attack, and they probably didn't go out for shawarma; and a 2014 where Thanos and the Black Order and the Leviathans and the Chitauri army and Nebula are dead, and Gamora is missing, so the Guardians of the Galaxy never formed, so Ego the Living Planet took over the universe, and the Dairy Queen was enveloped with blue sludge – but no one is talking about the very first timeline they screwed up and didn't even plan to go back and fix. Hawkeye's daughter, Hawkeye, thinking her dad let out a panicked yell for her, and then her running downstairs and going "Yeah dad? Dad?.." all chill, and then looking for him all over the house. Once she eventually finds that timeline's Clint, she'll ask what was the matter, and he'll say he never called for her, and she'll think she's going crazy and sign up for meditation classes, and this will cause a butterfly effect that results in the rat not being in the same exact spot to hit the button to get Scott out of the Quantum Realm and the universe will remain halved forever. I woulda rested much easier if they had had her go back upstairs like it didn't matter instead of going into the other room to keep looking.
• Peter Dinklage Giant Drawf is still looking for Stormbreaker's handle.
• The de-aging CGI on 1970 Michael Douglas Hank Pym is not that good, but on John Slattery Howard Stark it's absolutely perfect!
• I can picture Alan Silvestri conducting the score and the whole orchestra focusing and watching his baton and silently waiting for his cues to play the hits when Gamora knees Quill in the balls.
• Nebula says "We're not the only ones in Two-Thousand Fourteen looking for the stones." So was Jesus born in Bethlehem on every other planet in the universe in the same exact year for the calendar to even be 2014 in the Andromeda Galaxy? Or did they have a different culturally significant event to base their calendar that just so happened to also take place 2,014 years ago, and when she and the Avengers found that out they were like "Eyyyy!"? Or is it just her universal translator - since 'Captain Marvel' finally established that as a thing - converting her actually saying like "Zoopulö 19,372,416 星雲 Alpha C-10"?
• The writers had Tony tell Pepper "don't put this on social media" instead of "don't put this on your insta story", keeping it vague to not repeat the "hello fellow kids" and inevitably dating the movies of "I don't wanna see this on your MySpace page" of Iron Man 1, and "smile, this is goin' on facebook" of Thor 1. That's very respectable. ... And then they put in Fortnite.
• There's still a demand for shiny new Audis to be manufactured in 2023 after half of all life in the universe has been eliminated.
submitted by ExuberantRaptorZeta to marvelstudios [link] [comments]


2019.05.16 14:40 BWPhoenix [Spoilers] Post-Episode Survey Results - S8E5 'The Bells' (Overall score: 6.3)

Post-Episode Survey - Results Thread

In the Post-Premiere Discussion thread, we put up a survey to hear what you had to say about the characters, the events, and the technical side of episode one. This post is here to fill you in on the results, and to let you discuss them. Are there any surprises? Do you agree or disagree with the majority opinion? Do you think people have missed a vital piece of evidence? Feedback on the survey itself is also welcome!

INFOGRAPHIC: Image

Infographic for episode 4: Image
Infographic for episode 3: Image
Infographic for episode 2: Image
Infographic for episode 1: Image
With many thanks to wulteer for these!

S8E5 - The Bells

Results breakdown

Total Respondents: 133379
Question 1: On a scale of 1-10, what score would you give this episode?
Average: 6.3
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
9106 (7%) 10275 (8%) 9146 (7%) 8982 (7%) 8539 (6%) 11789 (9%) 17520 (13%) 23112 (17%) 20676 (16%) 14233 (11%)
Question 2: Was Daenerys Targaryen justified in her actions this episode?
Had she been provoked to the point where this was justified? (Note: This question is NOT about whether the writers did a good or bad job)]
No, her actions were not justified Yes, her actions were justified
113528 (86%) 19094 (14%)
Question 3: Which of the two battle episodes listed below has been your favourite?
The Battle of the Bastards The Battle for King's Landing in this episode
104850 (79%) 27237 (21%)
Question 4: Should Jon Snow have told his family about his Targaryen heritage?
Yes, he was right to tell them No, he should have kept his Targaryen heritage a secret
99123 (75%) 33154 (25%)
Question 5: Of the below options, what do you think Daenerys should have done when she found out about Varys's scheming?
She should have had him executed She should have imprisoned him She should have exiled him She should have pardoned him
56300 (44%) 41893 (33%) 18981 (15%) 10811 (8%)
Question 6: On a scale of 0 (totally unsatisfying) to 10 (totally satisfying), how satisfying did you find Cleganebowl?
Note that this question, unlike the others, is using a 0-10 scale, rather than a 1-10 scale.
Average: 7.1
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
4425 (3%) 2104 (2%) 3801 (3%) 5167 (4%) 5131 (4%) 8778 (7%) 10343 (8%) 17657 (14%) 23864 (19%) 19533 (15%) 27281 (21%)
Question 7: If Daenerys Targaryen was to rule from another Westerosi city, which of these would you choose?
Dragonstone Highgarden Oldtown Harrenhall Casterly Rock The Eyrie Storm's End Winterfell Sunspear Riverrun
71311 (64%) 9592 (9%) 6352 (6%) 6340 (6%) 5515 (5%) 3994 (4%) 2866 (3%) 2596 (2%) 1073 (1%) 967 (1%)
Question 8: Which of these death scenes do you think was the best of the episode?
Sandor Clegane+Gregor Clegane's death Qyburn's death Jaime Lannister+Cersei Lannister's death Varys's death Euron's death
52012 (43%) 37556 (31%) 19758 (16%) 8096 (7%) 4247 (3%)
Question 9: What would you name this episode?
  1. The Mad Queen - 6805
  2. Dracarys - 3929
  3. Fire and Blood - 3530
  4. Burn Them All - 3177
  5. Mad Queen - 2180
  6. Shit - 1703
  7. Cleganebowl - 1678
  8. The Bells - 1241
  9. Fire - 743
  10. Queen of the Ashes - 635
  11. The Last War - 497
Question 10: Have you read the A Song of Ice and Fire books?
  1. No, I haven't read any of the main five books - 66892 (51%) - Average episode rating: 6.7
  2. Yes, I've read all five main books - 35064 (27%) - Average episode rating: 5.5
  3. Yes, but I've only read some of the main five books - 29339 (22%) - Average episode rating: 6.5
Question 11: How well shot was this episode?
Average: 8.6
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
973 (1%) 569 (<1%) 1142 (1%) 1791 (1%) 3128 (2%) 4429 (3%) 11154 (9%) 27595 (21%) 30317 (23%) 50121 (38%)
Question 12: How well written was this episode?
Average: 4.9
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
25759 (20%) 11033 (8%) 11561 (9%) 10467 (8%) 10391 (8%) 13415 (10%) 17931 (14%) 16625 (13%) 8223 (6%) 5827 (4%)
Question 13: How well directed was this episode?
Average: 7.3
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
4813 (4%) 2559 (2%) 4119 (3%) 5271 (4%) 9496 (7%) 10125 (8%) 22393 (17%) 26249 (20%) 21606 (17%) 24052 (18%)
Question 14: Which of these lead actors gave the best performance? (Choose up to 2)
  1. Maisie Williams (Arya Stark) - 50900
  2. Lena Headey (Cersei Lannister) - 48861
  3. Peter Dinklage (Tyrion Lannister) - 40395
  4. Emilia Clarke (Daenerys Targaryen) - 33368
  5. Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (Jaime Lannister) - 28812
  6. Kit Harington (Jon Snow) - 23911
  7. Pilou Asbaek (Euron Greyjoy) - 3084
Question 15: Which of these supporting actors gave the best performance? (Choose up to 2)
  1. Rory McCann (The Hound) - 107095
  2. Conleth Hill (Varys) - 56995
  3. Jacob Anderson/Raleigh Ritchie (Grey Worm) - 26672
  4. Liam Cunningham (Davos Seaworth) - 12084
  5. Anton Lesser (Qyburn) - 11748
  6. Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson (The Mountain) - 9459
Question 16: In one word, how would you describe this episode?
The number in square brackets is the average episode rating given by those who gave this answer
Click here for the full list of answers
  1. Disappointing (7206) [4.2]
  2. Bad (6120) [2.4]
  3. Shit (3465) [2.5]
  4. Fire (2794) [8.3]
  5. Meh (1728) [5.5]
  6. Rushed (1492) [5.7]
  7. Epic (1341) [9.3]
  8. Sad (1334) [7.3]
  9. Dracarys (1152) [8.2]
  10. Mad (1108) [8]
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2019.05.10 01:28 QeenMagrat [Spoilers Extended] A Brienne rant

I need to get this off my chest. Thanks in advance for reading it and sorry for the length. After 804 and reading a list of spoilers on ONTD (I stopped giving a fuck about spoilers after 803) I am seriously so pissed about how they completely murdered Brienne's character. And in about ten minutes of screentime, too, so.... well done, D&D? Ugh.
Honestly, the only reason I was still watching this shitshow was because I wanted to see Sansa and Brienne end up at least reasonably happy and safe. Sansa seems to be doing ok now (at least, she seems to be having the most regular flashes of common sense of everybody on the show), and up until 803 Brienne was pretty much doing stellar.
And then 804 happened.
I have to admit that it cuts extra deep because I identified with Brienne a lot. Not that I am 6 foot 4 with endless legs and some of the best sword skills in the realm (god, I wish). But I used to be 'the ugly girl' who only got asked out on dates as a joke, who was never even considered as a potential partner or even seen as particularly feminine. Part of me still isn't convinced I'm not freakish looking. So watching Brienne climb her way up from 'the ugly freak' to a freaking Knight of the Seven Kingdoms was awesome. AND she got the man she wanted, too! It was great!
Brienne is, imo, the most noble, honorable character in the show. She keeps her oath (literally the name of her sword) and always at least tries to do the right thing. She was looking for acknowledgement, a family, belonging somewhere. Being seen and appreciated for being HER. She got that when she was knighted, a perfect moment. She honestly could have died in 803, I would have been fine with that, it would have been a good if tragic end to her arc. But 804 took all that away from her, removed any agency she has and reduced her to a body, to a silly, crying woman reacting to the men around her rather than acting on her own.
First of all the "virgin" debacle - as many people have pointed out, it's actually a point of honor in Westeros, she isn't called the Maid of Tarth for nothing! The "lol you're a virgin" comment also removed agency from her, from something she did to something she was, reduced to just her body. A body, she was abruptly reminded of, which was not appealing enough for anyone to want to touch. "You're in love with Jaime" would have been better, or even "you want to fuck Jaime" if they still wanted Tyrion to be as crass as he is lately, because that would point out something she WANTED, something she could do something about. Even as retaliation for reminding him of Tysha (did she even know about that? Not that that matters a lot) it came off wrong because of Tyrion and Jaime's reaction. They treated it as a lighthearted joke, "haha right yeah remember when you were married before, good times". If Tyrion had reacted upset or hurt, even in a very minor way - Peter Dinklage and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau are good enough at acting to convey that she hit a sore spot - it would have made sense, that he hit back to hurt her (ignoring the part where it's not an insult in their world for a lady of her status). But it came across as unprovoked bullying, pointing out her weak spot. Jaime's reaction was also not great, he laughed and told her to drink, "those are the rules". I know he was drunk, but still. She was having fun with her found family until Tyrion suddenly made her the odd one out again. She would never belong.
(Also, wtf is with Tyrion. He has become cruel and petty, what happened to "a mind needs a book like a sword needs a whetstone"? The bit where of the three siblings, he was the smartest one? He's just a drunk now, a mean, bitter drunk. He doesn't even seem to care about the bastards and dwarves of the world anymore, the underdogs who are maligned for what they are rather than who they are. D&D murdered his character, too.)
The sex scene worked, up to a point, mostly because NCW and Gwendolyne Christie sold the hell out of it with their chemistry, and because Jaime has absolutely no game and it was low-key hilarious ("it's so hot in here", really, that's your excuse, are you 12? Haha). But it was so rushed, with no attention to their personal histories or feelings. On her side, this is something she never thought she would ever have. At the very best, she might have been married off to a man who would tolerate her for her status. But having a man in love with her, wanting her? And having that man be someone like Jaime Lannister? Inconceivable. And yet here she is. On his side, he is about to sleep with someone he grew to respect over the years, who he slowly fell in love with, rather than the weird symbiotic relationship he had/has with Cersei (also the only women he's ever slept with, so in a way he's not much more experienced than Brienne is). Brienne is almost completely opposite from what he has been told should be desirable in a woman. She is not small, meek, delicate, pretty and feminine. She could kick his ass (and has!). And yet here he is. They have also seen each other at their most vulnerable, at the bear pit at Harrenhall, when Brienne was a laughing stock in a pink dress and Jaime had his hand chopped off. They've even already seen each other naked! They have a history.
There was even a small moment where it could have gone well. "I've never slept with a knight before" was funny, and while "I've never slept with anyone before" was rather redundant (yes, we know, that was why you fled to your room in the first place, remember?), it would have been the perfect moment to pause, take in what this means, emotionally speaking, for both of them, and to take it slow and really appreciate the moment. Instead, he starts taking her clothes off somewhat roughly, which again removes her agency. Compare it to Arya's sex scene, where she is the one taking her own clothes off (and ordering Gendry to take his clothes off). Jaime on the other hand basically starts pawing at Brienne. She's at least allowed to take her own shirt off, but only after he untied it. And then they basically lunge at each other and.... fade to black. It's stupid. Come on, this is the culmination of a relationship literally years in the making, with two consenting adults, give us SOMETHING. :p And then they end again with one partner (the more naive one who will be dumped later) sleeping while the other stares morosely into the camera, seemingly regretting their choices. Lovely.
Best scene: Brienne's twitch of a smile at the announcement that Jaime was staying at Winterfell. For her! He HATES Winterfell but he found one thing he liked, and it was her! Awww. Also in my headcanon Sansa is totally Team Brienne/Jaime and she quietly supports them. Warm fuzzies.
Worst scene: Tyrion thinking he gets to have an opinion on this. Ugh.
Also, side-track: I love how Brienne and Jaime's character arcs have crossed until they ended up in opposite places from where they started. Jaime started out as the golden boy, the Lord Commander of the King's Guard, with friends and family in the highest places. He couldn't do anything wrong. Brienne, on the other hand, started out the laughing stock, an anomaly. He got taken down several pegs, starting with the loss of his hand (which he did after he defended her honor, and afterwards she had to rescue his ass), and ending nearly a cast-out, having to be spoken for by Brienne because everyone else hates his guts. He doesn't even get invited to tactical meetings anymore (although I can also see how he would be considered a liability, what with his connection to Cersei, and Dany probably isn't too happy with having her dad's murderer in the room at the best of times). On the other hand, Brienne worked her way up through sheer decency and nobility. If Sansa had a Queen's Guard, Brienne would be leading it. She got Jaime's old position in this new world order, and Jaime got hers. She has the higher status! It's neat. He even realises and acknowledges it, asking to serve under her command (rather than besides her as an equal) and eventually knighting her, with the sword that is her sword's twin. They are connected in pretty much every way, narratively it's perfect.
... but of course the writers don't do anything with this. I don't think they even know how to write a woman who is equal to a man. For 7+ seasons Brienne was pretty much written like a male character, unless it could be funny to remind us that she was a woman. (Admittedly, the GRRM based seasons treated her much kinder, in a much more nuanced way with attention to her psychology.) Female characters are either Cool And Badass (Arya, mainly, and Brienne for the longest time) or Silly And Emotional (Dany has skipped the line, Sansa spend most of her time here before getting a level in badass). Women can fight or they can cry, but they can't really do both.
And D&D once again took away her agency. They lived together for at least two or three weeks (although who even knows with these travel times) but apparently they never even talked about anything. Jaime broods and decides on his own that he has to go back because He Is Bad, and he decides FOR HER that she's too good for him. (Incidentally, this is literally my least favourite plot contrivance. JK Rowling pulled the same thing with Lupin in the last HP book and I haaaaaated it there too.) And he doesn't even have the decency to tell her that in a normal conversation, but sneaks out in the middle of the night (presumably after shagging her one last time, sigh). If she hadn't woken up, he would have just been gone. But she did wake up - and ended up crying in the courtyard, in her bathrobe, because her boyfriend was leaving her for his ex. This is the woman who, only weeks before, fought against an seemingly unbeatable army of the dead. She's a Knight of the Seven Kingdoms, she very nearly beat Super Assassin Arya Stark last season, she beat the Hound for crying out loud. And she's now reduced to begging and crying. Super awesome. I also don't buy the "he couldn't tell her why he was leaving because she would follow him" rationale. She's a reasonable, adult woman with a strong sense of honor. "I feel responsible for everything Cersei has done, and I feel honor-bound to put a stop to it. Don't follow me, this is something I must do alone, and you must protect Sansa as you swore to do, but I will be back if I can." Boom. Done. He could even die in King’s Landing and it would still make narrative sense. Instead we got "no, you are a good man", "no I'm really not, bye".
And it's so frustrating because her arc was DONE in 803. She was knighted! Getting together with Jaime was the cherry on the sundae. And then they yank the rug out from under her, reinforcing her belief that nobody will ever love her, that she is not a person to be loved, just to be tossed aside. And that by the man she loved, who she looked up to as the one validating her existence. It's unspeakably cruel.
With only two episodes left, there is no time to bring this to a satisfying conclusion. Jaime is gonna have to kill Cersei in 805, then head back to Winterfell and seriously grovel to get Brienne to take him back. They're not going to do that. And with no narrative reason to go back to Winterfell or any reason for Brienne to go to King's Landing, her screentime is pretty much done. Of course, knowing D&D (and having read some spoilers), they are gonna drag it in anyway and completely botch it. Whatever way you turn it, they completely murdered her character and her narrative arc, and all in just one episode. It's almost impressive in its stupidity.

TL;DR: D&D are hacks, they ruined the best character, my expectations were subverted into the ground, and I feel sorry for Gwendoline Christie.
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2019.05.09 14:34 BWPhoenix [Spoilers] Post-Episode Survey Results - S8E4 'The Last of the Starks' (Overall score: 6.2)

Post-Episode Survey - Results Thread

In the Post-Premiere Discussion thread, we put up a survey to hear what you had to say about the characters, the events, and the technical side of episode one. This post is here to fill you in on the results, and to let you discuss them. Are there any surprises? Do you agree or disagree with the majority opinion? Do you think people have missed a vital piece of evidence? Feedback on the survey itself is also welcome!

INFOGRAPHIC: Image

Infographic for episode 3: Image
Infographic for episode 2: Image
Infographic for episode 1: Image
With many thanks to wulteer for these!

S8E4 — The Last of the Starks

Results breakdown

Total Respondents: 103826
Question 1: On a scale of 1-10, what score would you give this episode?
Average: 6.2
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
5258 (5%) 4653 (4%) 7051 (7%) 7789 (8%) 8312 (8%) 13950 (13%) 19938 (19%) 20410 (20%) 11709 (11%) 4756 (5%)
Question 2: Which of these locations was your favourite?
Winterfell King's Landing Dragonstone
64799 (63%) 24497 (24%) 13048 (13%)
Question 3: Do you want Daenerys Targaryen to burn King's Landing to the ground, even if it risks the deaths of innocents?
No, I do not want Daenerys to burn King's landing to the ground Yes, I want Daenerys to burn King's Landing to the ground
58714 (57%) 43811 (43%)
Question 4: In terms of strategy, was beheading Missandei the right move on Cersei's part?
Yes, I think it was the right move No, I think it was the wrong move
60664 (59%) 41737 (41%)
Question 5: If the Night King had won the Battle of Winterfell, killing all the humans who fought in it, would you be supporting Cersei or the Night King?
I'd be supporting the Night King I'd be supporting Cersei
75083 (73%) 27433 (27%)
Question 6: Which of these options describes how you think Gendry will end up when the show finishes?
Gendry will be alive but not in a relationship Gendry will be dead Gendry will be in a relationship with another character Gendry will be in a relationship with Arya
63743 (62%) 13299 (13%) 12376 (12%) 9241 (9%)
Question 7: If you were a ruler in Westeros, which of these characters would you want as your bodyguard?
Brienne of Tarth Tormund Giantsbane The Mountain The Hound Bronn Podrick Payne
38275 (39%) 18743 (19%) 15642 (16%) 14398 (15%) 7710 (8%) 3749 (4%)
Question 8: Will Drogon still be alive when the show ends?
No, Drogon will not be alive Yes, Drogon will be alive
64193 (63%) 37929 (37%)
Question 9: On a scale of 1 (stupid) to 10 (smart), how do you rate Jon's intelligence?
Average: 5.4
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
8505 (8%) 4911 (5%) 9152 (9%) 11187 (11%) 14195 (14%) 17443 (17%) 20069 (20%) 11739 (11%) 3426 (3%) 1664 (2%)
Question 10: What name should Gilly give her son?
  1. Jon (25789)
  2. Aegon (3330)
  3. Edd (2968)
  4. Dickon (2891)
  5. Craster (2317)
  6. Aemon (1514)
  7. John (1425)
  8. Ghost (1417)
  9. Sam (1391)
  10. Jorah (1256)
Question 11: What would you name this episode?
  1. Dracarys (2943)
  2. The Mad Queen (1067)
  3. Aftermath (615)
  4. The Last War (578)
  5. Mad Queen (397)
  6. The Last of the Starks (313)
  7. The Beginning of the End (191)
  8. Pet the Damn Dog (151)
  9. The Last Dragon (151)
  10. The Aftermath (150)
Question 12: Did you watch or read any leaks about episode 4 prior to watching it?
No, I did not read or watch any leaks for episode 4 I saw or read a leak for episode 4 but did not do so intentionally Yes, I intentionally did read or watch a leak for episode 4
101056 (83%) 9131 (9%) 6977 (7%)
Question 13: How well shot was this episode?
Average: 7.4
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
1799 (2%) 4911 (5%) 9152 (9%) 11187 (11%) 14195 (14%) 17443 (17%) 20069 (20%) 11739 (12%) 3426 (3%) 1664 (2%)
Question 14: Which of these lead actors gave the best performance? (Choose up to 2)
Question 15: Which of these supporting actors gave the best performance? (Choose up to 2)
Question 16: In one word, how would you describe this episode?
  1. Disappointing (3147) [4.2]
  2. Meh (2600) [5.5]
  3. Bad (2265) [3.2]
  4. Shit (1917) [2.8]
  5. Sad (1827) [7.6]
  6. Rushed (1641) [5.6]
  7. Good (1573) [8.1]
  8. Stupid (1235) [4]
  9. Boring (1117) [4.6]
  10. Filler (1028) [5.9]
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