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A detailed look at Dilla's samples of classical music, including Bach, Mozart, Tchaikovsky, etc. with tons of links to the samples, to the beats he made with those samples, and also links to traditional performances of the classical pieces he sampled.

2020.09.27 00:50 Thomas_Pizza A detailed look at Dilla's samples of classical music, including Bach, Mozart, Tchaikovsky, etc. with tons of links to the samples, to the beats he made with those samples, and also links to traditional performances of the classical pieces he sampled.

They're listed in order from the oldest classical composition to newest. Most of the links throughout are youtube links, but a few I couldn't find on youtube so I uploaded them to soundcloud and linked to that. Oh, and "Smokey in the Pigeon Coop" wasn't on youtube, and soundcloud rejected my upload of it for copywrite reasons, but I found another copy of it streaming online and linked that.
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Composition, and Traditional Recording Composer, Year Sampled Recording, Year Dilla's usage
"Il est bel et bon" 1 P. Passereau, 1530s The Swingle Singers, 1974 "Expensive Whip" on Jay Stay Paid; also on the 2002 Batch disc 5
"Toccata and Fugue in D minor" 2 J.S. Bach, early 1700s (exact date unknown and disputed) Mike Hankinson, 1972 3 different beats from the same sample: A - "Smokey in the Pigeon Coop"; B - "Move" by Oh No ft. Roc C and J Dilla; C - "Let's Grow" by Royce Da 5'9"
"Symphony No. 40 in G minor" 3 W.A. Mozart, 1788 Daniel Vangarde, 1973 "And I Wanna Escape", 2005 Batch disc 1
"Night on Bald Mountain" 4 M. Mussorgsky, 1867 Isao Tomita, 1975, sample comes at 4:23 into the Tomita recording "I Must Love You", on the 2002 Batch, also rapped over by Guilty Simpson
"Bydlo", from "Pictures at an Exhibition" 5 M. Mussorgsky, 1874 Isao Tomita, 1975 "Darkness", on the 2002 Batch
Various different parts from the opera "Carmen"; Track 06 on Da 1st Installment samples an electronic arrangement of "Habanera" 6 G. Bizet, 1875 Hans Wurman - "Comic Carmen", 1976, Side 1 A sample comes at 0:39; B sample comes at 6:05; C sample comes at 11:18, all on Side 1...D - "Habanera," sample comes at 9:40 on Side 2 A - 2005 Batch Disc 4 Track 13, also Dillatronic 30, B, C, and D - Da 1st Installment Track 04 (B), Track 05 (C), and Track 06 (D)
"Prelude in C-sharp minor" 7 S. Rachmaninoff, 1892 Michael Quatro, 1972 "The Shining" by Lawless Element
"Dance of the Sugar-Plum Fairy" from "The Nutcracker" ballet 8 P.I. Tchaikovsky, 1892 Wendy Carlos, 1975...sample comes at 1:10 into the track "Jay Dee's Revenge" by Danny Brown
"Flight of the Bumblebee" 9 N. Rimsky-Korsakov, 1899 Temple City Kazoo Orchestra - "Kazooed On Classics", 1982 "Geek Down" ft. Busta Rhymes
"Clair de lune" 10 C. Debussy, 1905 Isao Tomita, 1974 "Climax (Girl Shit)" by Slum Village
"Les entretiens de la Belle et de la Bete" 11 M. Ravel, 1910 Isao Tomita, 1979 - Sampled bit comes at 0:40 "Smoke" ft. Blu
"Daphnis et Chloe Suite No. 2" 12 M. Ravel, 1912 Isao Tomita, 1979 - Sampled bit starts at 5:05 -- it's not the bassline that Dilla's beat starts out with, it's the high-pitched...one-two-three-four-five melody that first plays at 0:05 into Dilla's beat "Brand New Shit With The Blend" off the 2005 Batch disc 1
"Sports et divertissements 14. Les quatre-coins" 13 E. Satie, 1914 Camarata Contemporary Chamber Group 1972 - skip to 32:05 if the timestamp doesn't work Da 1st Installment, Track 29
"Heures seculaires et instantanees: III. Affolements granitiques" 14 E. Satie, 1914 Camarata Contemporary Chamber Group, 1970 "Don't Nobody Care About Us" by Phat Kat
"Trois Nocturnes: No. 2 in D-major, Le Deuxieme" 15 E. Satie, 1919 Camarata Contemporary Chamber Group, 1970 - the part he sampled is at 0:56 "Pledge The Beat" on 2005 Batch Disc 1, also "Dillatronic 04"
"Rhapsody in Blue" 16 G. Gershwin, 1924 Leonid Hambro and Gershon Kingsley, 1970 - sampled bit comes at 11:02 "Hambro"
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1 So, in the traditional performance, the guy 2nd from the left with the crazy eyes deserves a shoutout. I mean he's a good singer, the whole group is good, but his facial expressions are incredible. If you only watch one of these videos, make it that one. It's less than 2 minutes long and that guy is...I dunno, words fail me.
2 One of the most well-known pieces of classical music ever written, it was originally written for organ (as heard in the traditional performance linked above), since pianos at the time were a fairly new and rare invention. The 3 Dilla samples aren't just different rappers on the same beat...Dilla made 3 entirely different beats with that sample.
3 Another extremely famous composition, Daniel Vangarde played around with it rather than doing a straight cover, but you can hear the first minute or 2 of the Mozart piece clearly in his recording. Fun Fact: Daniel Vangarde is the father of Thomas Bangalter, and Thomas Bangalter is one-half of Daft Punk. Also, the album artist for this album listed on Discogs as 'Unknown Artist,' and the album is called 'Moog Party Time'. But on the actual record itself, Vangarde is listed as the arranger of this song and I've often seen him listed as the artist, not for the whole album but just this song.
4 Modest Mussorgsky is a Russian composer, not nearly as famous as Bach or Mozart obviously, but still very famous worldwide, and even if you haven't heard of Mussorgsky or heard of this piece, there's a very good chance you'll recognize parts of it, particularly the very very beginning. It's sometimes translated as "Night on Bare Mountain," as in Tomita's recording of it.
5 "Pictures at an Exhibition" is also a very famous and well-respected piece by Mussorgsky. It's a 'suite' of 10 short pieces (of which "Bydlo" -- Polish for cattle -- is one), originally written for solo piano but performed and recorded by all sorts of different orchestras and combinations of instruments.
6 A traditional performance of Bizet's opera "Carmen" is like 2 hours long, so I only linked a traditional version of the song "Habanera," and I'm not very familiar with the opera but that's gotta be its most famous song. The linked video is only about half of the song ("Habanera"), but the second half of it is just more verses with the same melodies and chorus and everything. It was the only clip I could find showing an opera-performance of the song, not just the audio. Also there is some serious cleavage going on in that clip. Of the 4 different times Dilla sampled 'Comic Carmen' (linked above), that's my favorite flip, and it's up there as one of my all-time favorites. For some dumb reason somebody uploaded the Hans Wurman album "Comic Carmen" to youtube and called it "Full Album," but the youtube upload is actually Side 1 followed by Side 1 again, so I uploaded Side 1 and Side 2 to Soundcloud.
7 Really outstanding traditional piano performance of this by somebody I've never heard of, called simply "Rousseau." He or she kills it, and the visuals are nice too. Fun Fact: Rachmaninoff was just 19 years old when he wrote this piece in 1892. The sampled bit in the Lawless Element beat comes right at the beginning of the Michael Quatro track.
8 The sample is maybe the least hip-hop shit ever. "Dance of the Sugar-Plum Fairy" from Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker ballet -- can you literally think of anything less rugged? The recording he sampled was performed on Moog by Wendy Carlos, who was born Walter Carlos. She had to deal with learning about and accepting her gender dysphoria in the 1960s, long before that was a common or "accepted" thing, and she had sex-reassignment surgery in 1972 -- also very early as far as that procedure. That's beside the point though...Dilla sampling "Dance of the Sugar-Plum Fairy" and turning it into a beat that's as nasty as Danny Brown is the ridiculous part. "Teeth fucked up like a hockey player, Stayed up out the hood like a bad carburetor..."
9 One of his more famous ridiculous sample usages. "Flight of the Bumblebee" a Russian orchestral piece from the end of the 19th century...played on kazoos. What. The. Fuck. Busta Rhymes: 'A-yo. A-yo. This shit is a fuckin emergency, evacuate the fuckin premesis bitch, there's a fuckin fire goin on in here!' (cue kazoos) And it's not like he just used the kazoos a little bit -- they make up the entire song ("Geek Down").
10 Perfect.
11 Also on the 2005 Batch disc 1.
12 Also rapped over by Phat Kat as "Nasty Ain't It."
13 'Sports et divertissements' translates to 'Sports and entertainment,' and 'Les quatre-coins' translates to 'The four corners'
14 Erik Satie lived from 1866-1925 and was a pianist as well as a composer, and that's him in the picture in all 3 youtube videos of the traditional performances (13, 14, and 15 here), but I don't think it's a recording of him performing the pieces, because the sound quality is wayyyy too good for pre-1925.
15 Sampled bit comes at 0:55 into the Camarata Contemporary Chamber Group track. Note that whoever uploaded the youtube video badly misspelled 'Le Deuxieme' (which translates simply to, 'The Second').
16 Absolutely ridiculous flip. On the 'traditional performance' linked above, that's Leonard Bernstein not only conducting, but also playing the piano.
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2020.09.26 23:57 venting17 Looking back, I think this woman was trying to put a wedge in my relationship

So for some background, when my boyfriend's brother passed, many of his old friends that he hadn't seen or talked to in many years reached out to him to show their condolences. One friend in particular, she's a married woman with two children, had been having marital problems and often came to visit us. She seemed very sweet at first, but things started to get weird. The first night my boyfriend introduced us, she was with two friends that had come to visit with her from out of town. Her and her two friends all lived almost 2 hours away from us. She kept complimenting me on how pretty I was and I later found out that her two friends wanted to pursue me sexually that night. (They are both female.)
I am in no way uncomfortable around same sex relationships, nor do I judge. But, all three of these women are married with children and I'm obviously in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend. I just thought it was a little aggressive and oddly straight forward, but I let it go. Well, for the next month or so, this friend of his made frequent, random visits to us! Keep in mind, she lives almost 2 hours away so I found this to be a little odd and intrusive. I knew she was having marital problems and I just figured she needed people to talk to. She never got flirty with my boyfriend as they seem to have a sibling- like relationship since they've known each other for so long. However, she kept making overly-nice compliments to me. I'm not sure if she is just this way and I thought she was really sweet at first, but it just seemed over-the-top.
Well, my boyfriend had dated her best friend when they were in high school. She broke his heart and they haven't really talked since. It turns out, my boyfriend's ex, (this girls best friend), lived about 10 minutes away from us, so she was often visiting her as well when she came to town. The thing that makes me suspicious that this girl may have been trying to put a wedge in our relationship is that, one night my boyfriend, her, and I were out having dinner and a couple of drinks. Something came on the TV and induced a conversation about different countries, including Russia. Well, my boyfriend's ex is Russian and his friend said, "I love that you just had to mention Russia," with this weird smile on her face. It was super awkward, and now that I've kind of pieced everything together, the whole situation sounds weird to me and I'm glad it never went any further than that. She eventually stopped visiting so much because her and her husband were working things out which is great, but it was such a weird situation at the time and I still don't know what to make of it.
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2020.09.26 18:33 venting17 I have a suspicion this girl tried to come between my BF and I

So for some background, when my boyfriend's brother passed, many of his old friends that he hadn't seen or talked to in many years reached out to him to show their condolences. One friend in particular, she's a married woman with two children, had been having marital problems and often came to visit us. She seemed very sweet at first, but things started to get weird. The first night my boyfriend introduced us, she was with two friends that had come to visit with her from out of town. Her and her two friends all lived almost 2 hours away from us. She kept complimenting me on how pretty I was and I later found out that her two friends wanted to pursue me sexually that night. (They are both female.)
I am in no way uncomfortable around same sex relationships, nor do I judge. But, all three of these women are married with children and I'm obviously in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend. I just thought it was a little aggressive and oddly straight forward, but I let it go. Well, for the next month or so, this friend of his made frequent, random visits to us! Keep in mind, she lives almost 2 hours away so I found this to be a little odd and intrusive. I knew she was having marital problems and I just figured she needed people to talk to. She never got flirty with my boyfriend as they seem to have a sibling- like relationship since they've known each other for so long. However, she kept making overly-nice compliments to me. I'm not sure if she is just this way and I thought she was really sweet at first, but it just seemed over-the-top.
Well, my boyfriend had dated her best friend when they were in high school. She broke his heart and they haven't really talked since. It turns out, my boyfriend's ex, (this girls best friend), lived about 10 minutes away from us, so she was often visiting her as well when she came to town. The thing that makes me suspicious that this girl may have been trying to put a wedge in our relationship is that, one night my boyfriend, her, and I were out having dinner and a couple of drinks. Something came on the TV and induced a conversation about different countries, including Russia. Well, my boyfriend's ex is Russian and his friend said, "I love that you just had to mention Russia," with this weird smile on her face. It was super awkward, and now that I've kind of pieced everything together, the whole situation sounds weird to me and I'm glad it never went any further than that. She eventually stopped visiting so much because her and her husband were working things out which is great, but it was such a weird situation at the time and I still don't know what to make of it.
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2020.09.26 09:55 baldgasper_ A vent on loneliness (and my town)

Just wanted to get some of these negative emotions out, I don't know if this'll help, but honestly I got nothing better. I'll also swear a little, since that helps getting my frustration and anger out better. Anyways, here goes.
Last year of high school for me, and boy has time been going slowly. School was never my forte, every year I'd go back expecting something new and unique, something to really change things, and yet every year I'm disappointed right from the start, same old shit cake, so to speak, and these are just the first bites. Now the problem is that everyone around me seems to be at least semi-happy: usually smiling, usually laughing, always having something positive to say, never having this pissed off, depressed, sad grin on their faces, but I do, all the fucking time. Young people aren't supposed to be this grumpy, right? Well I don't know, I just have nothing positive to talk about, I don't like making stuff up, and nothing that I do seems to be worthy of being called an achievement. My mom always tries cheering me up by saying "well, you have arms, legs, eyes, ears, you're healthy, etc etc", sure, but other people around me also have arms, legs, eyes, ears, and they also have bands they play in, friends to talk to, reputations, careers, motivation, girlfriends, boyfriends. And here we have finally reached the main cause of my enormous depression: I'm in twelfth grade, and I still haven't had a girlfriend.
I mean what gives?, see the thing is, I ain't a bad looking guy: I'm tall, slim, long hair, I care about style. I can talk about basically anything: from world-pollution to beastiallity, any topic I'll find what to say. Nonetheless, when it comes to me, I'm like the biggest anti-chick magnet in this entire town, girls would rather jump off and bridge than have any contact with me, they'd rather be blind than look at me, I'm over expressing this but you get my idea. I'm also bisexual, I have a thing for feminine guys, but I guess I'm an anti-guy magnet as well.
Anyways, after years and years of trying to appeal and impress these pricks I figured out the answer to this big dilemma: this town just really isn't worth it. I don't know why I didn't see this sooner, but the people here are some of the biggest rejects out there, I mean you have to be 100% on par with the current stereotypes or they just won't accept you. As a guy, I have to have short hair, wear usually black or gray, talk about cars and basketball, and listen to dumb edgy rap, because those are the only things guys can do, my town's tiny brains can't process anything different, hell, me having long hair probably makes these people think I'm an alien. I'd have to watch life-hacks as entertainment, look at shitty overused memes, hang out with people only to get drunk and smoke cigarettes to be a part of this dumb society, screw that, but in doing so, I can only rely on myself to survive another damn year of this garbage, yippee.
Now you may be thinking, that surely through out this entire town there has to be someone at least semi-tolerable, well, you'd be very wrong, 'course I have no way of proving that, you'd just have to see it for yourself. Hell, these people don't even know what "The Room" is, do I have to say anything else?
Then there's the "underground" part of town's people. I had to put airquotes there, because calling these people underground is like calling Nickleback good rock music. No, these people aren't underground, because if calling yourself underground means smashing a bunch of stuff together to make an all out dumb mess, then I don't want to know what the definition of cool in this town is. Basically, they'll get one thing right, but only one, perhaps a nice piece of clothing, but then they'll screw the rest up with something indescribably dumb, like poorly painted unmatching nails, or those dumb trendy socks with a bunch of stupid shit on them, man I should write a rant on those socks someday too. They might have a nice voice tone, but then they decide to use a bunch of vulgar shit and screw that up, and I don't mean english vulgar shit, I mean russian vulgar shit, cykas and blyats, oh yes. They might have some nice topics to talk about, but then they'll start using those dumb sciency words, because apparently those make you smarter, hell, they might just start speaking latin, what others can't understand makes you a more intelligent person, right? All in all, like I said, they'll get one thing right and then screw it up somehow, it's almost like a form of art to be honest. Even if they have bands or nice reputations in this town, I still wouldn't consider them anywhere near the word underground or cool, or tubular, or narly, you get the idea, I'd say wannabe suits them more.
Well, now that I'm done basically screaming at my computer, the big question is: why did I write any of this? I don't respect these people, I don't think they're people to begin with, but the thing is - they're happy. Every day I walk past them, and all I see is how positive, happy, and proud of themselves these people are, they are happy by being themselves, whereas I am being myself too, but not happy one bit. They are accepted, because they have similar interests and thoughts, I think in a different way, I like different things, "be yourself" is what they tell you, but at what cost? Eighteen years of loneliness, eighteen fucking years of trying to find myself in this miserable place, yeah right, it just comes to show that having a personality of your own is one hell of a tough task. Even if I do slightly respect this "being myself", it doesn't help to know that while other people are moving forward in life, I sit here, waiting for something to change, wasting my hours, I almost feel like I have midlife crisis, and I'm fucking eighteen. I tried approaching a few girls before, all of those experiences ended up with me having even bigger depression somehow, I'm afraid to even go there again, but seeing all these people in couples, couples that I know might not last long because it's our teen days, but who cares, these people are better than me, and that's giving me a hard fucking time. I've always had this damn thing of "being better than everyone", it doesn't matter what I do, as long as there's someone near me who I feel like is doing better, I'll hate them, and I'll hate myself even more, it's like why should I care?, but I do, to quote from a song of Red Vox: "I'd rather bleed, than settle for less.", sums this up pretty well. And hell, I could get a girlfriend if I wanted to, but at this point I have requirements, because after all this depression and shit I've suffered through I might as well work for something a bit nicer, a bit more "me". A girl once approached me and wanted to ask me out for a "kebab" (russian fast food basically, even though it's from Turk), and I turned her down. What I'm saying is, not everything seems to be okay with me anymore, but I mean hey, there was a time when we were kids, and dating back then was about awkward kisses in the dark and then running away from each other, something like that, now I hope to fuck it's a bit more serious than that, and no, I don't mean sex, I mean like actual feelings, similarities, preferences. If I were a kid, I'd go with basically any girl just so I could kiss her, but now I want more than that, I mean I survived through a lot, might as well get something superb after all of this, right? Again, "I'd rather bleed, then settle for less.", I think that works here too.
This vent is way too long already as it is, but what I wanted to say this whole time is... I don't even know what the fuck I was trying to say. It's like this hell I'm trapped in, and the more I try to figure it out, the more my head hurts and I just want to stop. I don't know who to blame, I usually blame myself, but you can't always be the bad guy in every situation. Everyone always tells me the same thing: don't forget yourself; maybe you're to blame, look at a mirror, etc etc over and over again, but really, what exactly did I do?, am I to blame because I think differently, or look differently, or behave differently? All my life I tried to be a nice person, I tried to help people the best I can, and I can see this mindset of a good person slowly degrading into the twisted mind of a serial killer, I mean yesterday while on a trip with our school I just wanted our bus to fucking brutally crash, killing everyone inside. I know I'm narcissistic, I know I have high expectations, but really can you blame me for that? The world is capable of so many beautiful things, I know I could find someone nice, I know I could be successful, I mean it's the 20th motherfucking century, the time of possibilities, and here I'm rotting away in some shithole so called town, that's honestly the size of a box, watching as my time flies by wastefully, and boy does it fucking hurt. Here's hoping I actually pass my exams, so I could get the fuck out of here somewhere nicer. Anyone who's in a similar situation, I hope the same for you too.
Anyways, phew, what the heck did I just write. Trust me though, I had to write one of these, because I unironically feel the screws in my brain slowly jamming, metaphorically speaking. Thank you for reading this, I really appreciate that. No reply necessary, it was nice enough of you to read this, but if you will, don't tell me to see a psychologist, because I won't, because what I didn't mention is not only do the people here suck, but so do the doctors and psychologists, I mean there's unironically a joke in med school in my country's capital city which goes like: "If you don't want to learn, just go to *my town's name*, they won't even ask, they'll just let you right in.", that says a lot. The best a psychologist might do to me is pump me full of anti-depressants which will completely screw with my sanity, so no thanks. But like I said, thank you for reading, and have a wonderful day.
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2020.09.24 19:50 IndignantThrowAway7 Personal story about virginity and the dangers of soliciting sexwork

I'm 24 years old, about to be 25 quite soon and I've never been on a date, barely ever kissed a girl or had any kind of intimate physical encounter with a woman, and I am a virgin of course. For about 3 years now I life in a semi-big university city, after I've spent my whole life with an abusive, alcoholic single mother, who had no idea, what she was doing, while she was raising me. I encountered the psychological phenomena of child-parenting, meaning, that I pretty much had to care for my mother, which was and still is an emotional wreck (multiple suicide attempts, meltdowns, unpredictable behavior etc.). on an emotional and practical level (as in grocery shopping etc).
I know nobody. I have no friends, besides few people I talk with online, no acquaintances, not even people that just sort of know my face and start a conversation with me in some externally provided context like university or the likes. I'm not as bothered by this as most people probably would be, since I'm a loner by nature and the frequent presence of people irritates me rather quickly.
But I definitely crave intimacy and I've been starting to feel that the lack thereof is a slow but certain killer. For the last few years I applied myself heavily. I eat healthy, I work out, I walk with a purpose and because of it I became a physically very attractive male, strangers would randomly tell me, that I look like a male model, girls constantly look at me, brush through their hair or throwing choosing signals at me all over the place. I know they expect me to do something, yet I never do. I'm not saying all this to gloat in any kind of way, the thing is, that I don't feel like a sexual being, I still perceive myself as the inconspicuous young male, that girls wouldn't even give the time of day.
I guess, that no girl suspects me to be a virgin, to an extant, they are probably intimidated by me and think, that I know my stuff, so me not initiating is a sign of rejection - It's not. But since I've been socialized predominantly by women, I don't necessarily know how to act as a 'man', to be masculine, I simply wait for something to happen, so I basically have the mating behavior of a woman (No judgement intended).
I feel like a big fucking loser - the same old stigma, that comes with being a virgin. And I recently tried to break the circle by hiring an escort, but the whole ordeal turned into a complete disaster. I organized an incall meeting with an attractive, young russian girl in another city, not to much in the distance and took the train on said day.
Instead of reaching a private flat with her directions, I reach some kind of back alley of a back alley motel (huge red flag, but in my anxiety, I pretty much sweat bullets at that point, I shook it off) and now I was supposed to get a room in this motel.
I was upset, since I hoped for a discrete meeting with a kind person, instead I would now have to arrange things with some lowlife whore house desk clerk, who'd be perfectly aware, that my purpose for being here is to pay for sex.
I was willing to leave, but I didn't want to regret and since I've already burned a day on this questionable endeavor, I had to go through with it. I met some scrawny, suspicious looking guy out front and inquired about a room. His pupils enlarged like a motherfucker and he had a deer-in-the-headlight kind of look, which put me off intensively.
For some weird reason, I thought that the man could be just as much embarrassed about the situation like I was (I was slightly shivering), I projected my own feelings onto him. That guy told me, that all rooms were supposedly occupied at the moment and that I should get in contact with my date again.
After a little bit of back and forth, I was directed onto the first floor to room 4. To make an already long story short, I was scammed. There was no attractive russian girl. Some ugly,40-somewhat years old romanian hag opened the door and I booked it out of their as fast as I could, after I gave a bullshit excuse for having to leave again for a couple of minutes.
The pimp, I talked to beforehand, tried to get me to stay by acting all polite and considered while I was rushing down the stairs, heading towards the front door. Best case scenario, these people tried to target weak minded people with a scam, who can't say no or I could have been mugged or even worse.
And there was no doubt. Back outside I texted my date and asked, if we indeed did just meet and after some filibuster she verified it. I was horrified. This day ought to have brought me some cathartic value, instead I wasted a whole day, being way behind schedule on university works, traveling on train just to be scammed by these shameless people.
Realizing this, I fetched my phone, back at the towns main train station, and wrote this person the worst profanities I could come up with. I spent the whole day on an emotional rollercoaster for this? I was expecting something to the affect of: I made time for you, you owe me money or If you don't give me money, my protectors will beat the shit out of you, but nothing.
Complete radio silence, which was somehow even more disturbing. So, if you take any lesson from this, then it should be, that you ought to always watch your surroundings, don't get cheap escorts and never, ever enter a motel or continue on if you have to talk to someone else before meeting your date. It's bad news.
Maybe they have led me go, because I'm well built and they didn't want to get into a fight with me, maybe it was just luck, but something was wrong with this.
Well, and since that didn't work out, I'm kind of clueless to tell you the truth. This was 2 weeks ago and I'm definitely not trying to get with another escort any time soon.
This whole thing got out of hand, sorry. Thanks, if you took the time to read it.
submitted by IndignantThrowAway7 to virgin [link] [comments]


2020.09.23 22:45 motherofdragons669 I want to change my name?

Everybody I know in my life except my father (the on that chose my name) thinks I have a lame name, including me, my name is sarah, this name in my country is very out dated only sweet old ladies have it, but I'm not a sweet old lady.. I thought going with something that can fit both sexes or going completely male (I identify as a woman but I think a male name will fit me more) I thought about these names:
-Danny
-Sasha
-Alexi
-Dema (pronounced deema)
-Silva
-Victor
-Oleg
-Andrey
-Misha
If you have other suggestions please tell me as you can see I like russian names. I would also love here from people who changed their names, how did people react, how did you ask people to start calling you by your new name? (My English is my third language sorry if I am wrong with grammer)
submitted by motherofdragons669 to CasualConversation [link] [comments]


2020.09.23 22:26 motherofdragons669 Change my name!

Everybody I know in my life except my father (the on that chose my name) thinks I have a lame name, including me, my name is sarah, this name in my country is very out dated only sweet old ladies have it, but I'm not a sweet old lady.. I thought going with something that can fit both sexes or going completely male (I identify as a woman but I think a male name will fit me more) I thought about these names:
-Danny
-Sasha
-Alexi
-Dema (pronounced deema)
-Silva
-Victor
-Oleg
-Andrey
-Misha
If you have other suggestions please tell me as you can see I like russian names
submitted by motherofdragons669 to makemychoice [link] [comments]


2020.09.22 02:01 costco_hoesale [Sell][US Only] Colourpop, Urban Decay, Kaja, Milk Makeup, Fenty, and Lots More

Hi, thanks for checking out my post :)
Prices include Paypal G&S fees. Shipping is a flat rate of $4 (US only). Due to the circumstances, I will be going to the post office once a week.
Prior to shipping, I will sanitize everything to the best of my abilities. Coming from a Covid- free, smoke-free, pet-free home in TX.
If you’re interested in other beauty items, check out my sell post on skincareexchange here and haircareexchange here. Happy to offer bundle pricing and only have to pay for shipping once.
Freebies for every $20 spent listed towards end of post.
All items are full size and unused unless otherwise indicated. I’m happy to answer any questions or provide more verification photos if requested.
Eyeshadow Palettes:Verification
Eyeshadow Singles and Primers:Verification - Anastasia Eye Primer (mini, 0.06 oz)- $5 x2 - Bareminerals Eyecolor in Queen Tiffany (mini)- $5 - Colourpop Supernova Shadow in Bellini- $6 - Dose of Colors Block Party in Lock and Key- $14 - Dose of Colors Cream Matte Eye Color in Rodeo - $14 - Elizabeth Mott Thank Me Later Eye Primer (used once)- $12 - Give Me Glow Shadow in Wedding Cake (swatched)- $4 - Il Makiage Color Boss Eyeshadow in News Flash- $8 - Kaja Moon Crystal Sparkling Eye Pigment in Rose Quartz- $12 - KVD Metal Crush in Thunderstruck- $6 - Lorac Diamond Lux Shadow in Satin (swatched, a bit broken) - $12 - Mac Extra Dimension Foil Eyeshadow in Cop a Pose (loose in pan), Gold Metalist- $12 - Marc Jacobs Seequins in Topaz Flash,Star Dust -$18 - Milani Hypnotic Lights Holographic Eye Topper in Luster Light (used 3x)- $4 - Milk Makeup Eye Pigment in Gig (swatched), Silent Disco- $13 - Peripera Sugar Twinkle Liquid Eyeshadow in 2 (used)- $4 - Surratt Artisque Eyeshadow in Soie (swatched)- $14 - Tarte Seaglass Eyeshadow in Suite Life- $15 - Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion in Honey (swatched)- $14
Brows:Verification - Anastasia Clear Brow Gel (mini)- $6 - Clio Kill Brow Gel in Natural Brown (lightly used)- $4 - It Cosmetics Brow Pencil in Universal Taupe (mini) - $5 x3 - ModelCo x Karl Lagerfeld Brow Gel and Crayon Duo in Medium Dark (used 3x)- $6 - Tweezerman Brow Mousse (mini)- $3
Mascaras ($5 each or 2 for $8):Verification
Eyeliners:Verification - Charlotte Tilbury Rock N Kohl Eye Pencil in Black Magic (mini) - $8 - Ciate Fierce Flicks Liquid Liner- $11 - Colourpop Creme Gel in Catsuit, Joy Ride (used once), Mr Bing- $4 - Marc Jacobs Highliner in Blue Me Away (used 3x)- $16 - Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Liner (mini)- $8 - Urban Decay Glide on Eye Pencil in Perversion, Lucky, Mildew- $13 - Urban Decay in Zero (mini)- $8 x2
Primers:Verification - Bareminerals Prime Time Original (mini)- $4 - Becca First Light Priming Filter (mini)- $8 x2 - Becca Backlight Priming Filter (mini) - $8 - Bobbi Brown Primer plus Radiance (mini) - $6 - CoverFx Mattifying Primer (mini)- $4 - Dr Brandt Pore Refiner Primer (mini) - $6 - Elf Poreless Putty Primer- $6 - Elf Beautifully Bare Illuminating Primer (lightly used, >90% left)- $4 - Elf Beauty Shield Primer (used once)- $6 - First Aid Beauty Pore Be Gone Matte Primer (mini)- $6 - GlamGlow Glowstarter Illuminating Moisturizer (mini, used once)- $5 - Hourglass Mineral Veil Primer (mini)- $7 x2 - Hourglass Ambient Light Correcting Primer (mini)- $6 - Lancome La Base Primer (mini)- $6 - Laura Mercier Radiance Primer (mini)- $6 - Lorac Light Source Primer in Dusk (mini)- $4 - Milk Makeup Blur Stick (mini) - $6 - Nyx Pore Filler (mini)- $4 - Physicians Formula Spotlight Primer (mini, used once)- $4 - Tarte Timeless Smoothing Primer (unused but some product got on lid)- $22 - Too Faced HangoveRx (mini)- $4 x2 - Too Faced Primed and Peachy (0.68 fl oz) - Too Faced Primed and Peachy (0.16)- $4 x2
Setting Sprays:Verification - Bareminerals Dew Mist (mini)- $4 - Gerard Cosmetics Slay All Day Setting Spray in Peach, Green Tea, Coconut- $15 - Milk Makeup Blur Spray- $16 - Tarte Stay Spray (mini) - $5 - Too Faced Hangoverx (mini)- $12 - Urban Decay All Nighter (mini) - $5 x4
Foundations/BB Creams/CC Creams:Verification - Bareminerals Bare Pro Foundation in Golden Nude (used 3x)- $16 - Bareminerals Bareskin Serum Foundation in Bare Natural (used 5x)- $12 - Benefit Hello Happy Foundation in 6 (expired 04/2020)- $10 - Clinique Even Better Foundation in Bone (>80% left)- $14 - CYO Lifeproof Foundation in 109 (used 3x)- $6 - Deoproce White Flower BB Cream in 23 (>60% left)- $6 - Erborian CC Cream in Golden- $32 - IPKN BB Cream in Light/Medium- $20 - It Cosmetics CC Cream in Light/Medium (expires 09/2020)- $18 - Kiko Sicilian Notes Hydra Foundation in Light Beige- $14 - Lancome Skin Feels Food Skin Tint in 035W Fresh Almond (exp 11/2020)- $18
Concealers:Verification - Anastasia Contour Stick in Banana (mini)- $6 - Bareminerals Bareskin Complete Coverage Serum Concealer in Light- $16 - Fenty Pro Filtr Concealer in 185, 220- $18 - Urban Decay All Nighter Concealer in Light Medium Warm (swatched)- $16
Powders:Verification - Beauty Bakerie Flour Setting Powder in Translucent- $18 - Coverfx Translucent Light Loose Powder (mini) - $5 - Dermablend Illuminating Banana Loose Powder (used once)- $18 - Elf Beautifully Bare Powder Sheer Tint Powder in Light/Medium- $4 - KVD Lock It Translucent Setting Powder (mini)- $5 - Makeup Forever HD Loose Powder (mini) - $5 - Urban Decay All Nighter Waterproof Pressed Powder (swatched)- $22 - YC Collection Powder (mini)- $4
Bronzers:Verification - Benefit Hoola (mini)- $4 - Kosas Sun Show Baked Bronzer in Deep- $25 - Loreal Bronze Please Bronzer in Light- $8 - Physicians Formula Organize Wear Sculpting Stick in Mocha (swatched)- $7 - Thrive Causemetics Bronzer in Rhea- $28 - Undone Beauty Water Bronzer Stick in Baked (used 2x) -$7 - Winky Lux Coffee Bronzer in Mocha (used 2x) - $12
Blushes:Verification - Bareminerals Gen Nude Blush in On the Mauve- $14 - Benefit Rockateur (swatched)- $20 - Benefit Gold Rush (used 3x)- $18 - Benefit Galifornia (used 3x)- $18 - Buxom Wandlust Primer Infused Blush in Goa (swatched)- $12 - Cargo Big Easy (used 3x)- $10 - Catrice Blush Box in Burgundy- $4 - Clinique Cheek Pop in Peach Pop, Cola Pop (used once)- $12 - Etude House Blossom Cheek in Blossom Breeze (swatched, pan loose in compact) - Kylie Cosmetics Blush in We’re Going Shopping- $12 - Lorac Blush in Technicolor (used 3x) - $10 - Mac Blush in Margin (used 3x)- $15 - Mac Mineralize Blush in Cosmic Force- $18 - Mac Glow Play Blush in So Peachy (swatched)- $18 - Milk Makeup Glow Oil in Flare, Glimmer (each used 3x)- $9 - Nars Dual Intensity Blush in Adoration (used once)- $20 - Neutrogena Cheeky Wink in First Crush- $6 - Nudestix Plush Paint in Waikiki Rose- $10 - Ofra Blush in Winter Rose Glow- $8 - Physicians Formula Butter Blush in Plum Rose (lightly used) - Physicians Formula Butter Blush in Natural Glow (mini)- $4 - Physicians Formula Organic Wear Dewy Blush Elixir in Gorgeous Peach (used 3x)- $7 - Pixi Rose Gold Blush Duo- $8 - Tarte Amazonian Clay Blush in Paaarty (mini)- $6 - Too Cool for School Jelly Blusher in Apple Red- $10 - Ulta Bohemian Treasure Cream Blush in Sunrise, Sunset (swatched)- $6
Highlighters:Verification - Becca Shimmering Skin Perfector in Gradient Glow- $24 - Becca Shimmering Skin Perfector in Vanilla Quartz (mini, came broken)- $6 - Becca Light Chaser in Pearl Flashes Gold- $14 - Becca Confectionary Glow Powder in Cinnamon Sugar- $10 - Benefit Dandelion Twinkle (swatched)- $20 - Bobbi Brown Highlighting Powder in Pink Glow (used 3x)- $25 - Clinique Chubby Stick in Hefty Highlight- $12 - Colourpop Super Shock Cheek in A Song and A Smile- $7 - Coverfx Glitter Drops in Aurora (mini)- $9 - Coverfx Custom Enhancer Drops in Celestial (mini)- $9 - Dior Nude Air Luminizer in Holo Gold (lightly used)- $28 - Fenty Kilowatt Duo in Moscow Mule/Ginger Binge (swatched)- $25 - First Aid Beauty Mango Butter Multi Stick in Champagne- $12 - Japonesque Highlighting Powder in Champagne Gold (used 3x)- $6 - Josie Maran Argan Enlightenment Illuminizer (mini)- $6 - Kaja Mochi Glow in Prizm- $12 - Kaja Mochi Glow in Toy Alien (mini, swatched)- $6 - Kylie Cosmetics Kylighter in Dreamin of Diamonds, Ice Me Out- $12 - Laura Geller Dew Dreamer Illuminating Drops in Gilded Honey- $6 - Laura Geller Baked Gelato Swirl Illuminator in Diamond Dust (mini, swatched)- $6 - Laura Mercier Matte Radiance Baked Powder in 01 Highlighter (mini, used 3x)- $10 - Mac x Aladdin Highlighter in Always One Jump Ahead (lightly used)- $28 - Maybelline Master Chrome Highlighter in Molten Topaz- $5 - Milk Makeup Flex Highlighter in Glazed- $20 - Physicians Formula Butter Highlighter in Pearl (mini)- $4 - Tarte Highlighter in Exposed (mini, lightly used)- $6 - Too Faced Diamond Light in Canary Diamond- $22 - Too Faced Peach Frost (used 4x, loose in compact)- $7 - Wet n Wild x Bretman Rock Highlighting Duo- $7
Face Palettes:Verification - Anastasia Sugar Glow Kit- $22 - Anastasia Ultimate Glow Kit- $24 - Clinique Warm Up Cheek Pop Palette- $26 - Clinique On the Glow Cheek Pop Palette (bronzer lightly used)- $24 - Colourpop Clockwork Cheek Duo- $10 - Laura Geller Life Glows on Trio (swatched)- $16 - Lorac Pink Champagne Palette (swatched)- $10 - Nars Coucher de Soleil Trio- $25 - Sephora Ice Cream Face Palette- $18 - Sephora Snow Globe Face Palette (used 3x)- $15 - Tarte Skin Twinkle Highlighting Trio (swatched)- $26 - Tarte Face Trio- $14 - Ulta Frida Kahlo Cheek Duo in Beso de Sol- $6
Lips:Verification - Anatasia Lip Gloss in St Tropez (mini)- $6 - Anastasia Liquid Lipstick in Crush (mini)- $6 - Aritaum Ginger Sugar Tinted Lip Balm in Coral- $6 - Bareminerals Gen Nude Matte Liquid Lipstick in Friendship- $10 - Bareminerals Gen Nude Matte Liquid Lipstick in Swag (mini)- $6 - Bareminerals Gen Nude Lip Lacquer in Everything, Rose Quartz (mini)- $6 - Bareminerals Barepro Lipstick in Petal (mini)- $6 - Becca Glow Gloss in Malibu Soleil- $10 - Becca Glow Gloss in Metamorphic Gold- $10 - Becca Glow Gloss in Creme Brulee, Cinammon Bun, Sugar Plum (minis)- $4 - Becca Liquid Lipstick in Red Velvet- $10 - Bobbi Brown Crushed Liquid Lip in Mango Mood, Smoothie Move- $17 - Bobbi Brown Crushed Liquid Lip in Smoothie Move (mini)- $6 - Bobbi Brown Crushed Lip in Regal, Lilac, Babe, Ruby (minis)- $8 - Bobbi Brown High Shimmer Gloss in Bare Sparkle (mini)- $6 - Burts Bees Glossy Liquid Lipstick in Sandy Seas, Wine Waters (swatched)- $4 - Buxom Full on Lip Cream in Gin Fizz- $12 - Buxom Full on Lip Cream in Sangria, Cherry Flip (minis)- $6 - Buxom Full on Lip Polish in Amber (mini)- $6 - Buxom Full on Lip Polish in Dolly (mini)- $3 - Buxom Bold Gel Lipstick in White Russian, Racy Reveal- $10 - Buxom Bold Gel Lipstick in Sinful Cinammon (lightly used)- $8 - Clinique Pop Splash Gloss in Pinot Pop, Rosewater Pop (mini)- $5 - Clinique Lipstick in Bare Pop (mini)- $6 - Colourpop So Juicy Plumping Lip Gloss in Let It Happen- $6 - Dose of Colors Satin Lipstick in 1928- $10 - Dose of Colors Gloss in Muah!- $10 - Dose of Colors Liquid Lipstick in Bare It All, Date Night- $10 - Em Cosmetics Infinite Lip Cloud in Spanish Earth, Crimson Red, Muted Mauve (minis)- $7 - Fenty Mattemoiselle Lipstick in Griselda (mini, lightly used)- $4 - Fenty Mattemoiselle Lipstick in Flamingo Acid (mini)- $6 - Givenchy Le Rose Perfecto Lip Balm in Fearless Pink (mini)- $12 - Huda Liquid Matte in Alluring- $8 - Jane Iredale Lip and Cheek Stain in Forever Pink (mini)- $10 - Juvias Place Liquid Lip in Soil- $6 - Juvias Place Liquid Lip in Mina- $6 - Laura Geller Iconic Baked Sculpting Lipstick in Midtown Mauve- $6 - Laura Mercier Lip Glace in Baby Doll (mini)- $7 - Lime Crime Wet Cherry Gloss in Bitter Cherry, Pumpkin Pie, Tangy Cherry, Extra Poppin, Cherry Crush- $13 - L’oreal Glowing Gloss in Shell We Dance- $6 - Makeup Forever Artist Liquid Matte in 105 (mini)- $6 - Makeup Revolution Gloss in Chocolate Orange- $4 - Marc Jacobs Enamored Lip Gloss Stick in Uh-Huh Honey- $16 - Milk Makeup Oil Lip Stain in Tude (swatched)- $12 - Nudestix Lip and Cheek Pencil in Sin (mini)- $7 - Nudestix Lip and Cheek Pencil in Whisper (used 3x)- $11 - Peripera Ink Velvet in 05 Coralficial (swatched)- $6 - Physicians Formula Butter Lip Cream in Beijos- $5 - PYT Strike Twice Lip Duo in Rumor (swatched)- $12 - RMS Beauty Lipstick in Temptation (swatched)- $7 - Shiseido ModernMatte Powder Lipstick in Rose Hip, Dark Fantasy, Sling Back (mini)- $8 - Tarte Tarteist Lip Paint in Get It!- $10 - Tarte Tarteist Lip Paint in Birthday Suit (mini)- $5 - Tarte Color Splash Lipstick in Salt Lyfe (mini)- $6 - Tarte Lip Quench in Nude (mini)- $6 - Tarte Lip Quench in Holly- $12 - Too Faced Rich and Dazzling Gloss in Sunset Crush (mini)- $6 - Too Faced Lip Injection Glossy in Milkshake (mini,swatched)- $5 - Too Faced Peach Lipstick in Sex on the Peach (mini)- $6 - Ulta Frida Kahlo Matte Liquid Lipstick in Sensual- $6 - Urban Decay Vice Lipstick in Naked x2, Manic (mini)- $6 - Urban Decay Vice Lipstick in Bad Blood (lightly used)- $8 - Urban Decay Hifi Gloss in SPL (mini)- $4 - Winky Lux Glazed Lip in Coffee, Sugar (mini)- $5 - Yensa Lip Oil in Pink Shine- $6 - YSL Rouge Volupte Lipstick in 44 (mini)- $10
Drugstore and More- $2 each, 2 for $3, take all remaining items for $40 shipped, or pick one FREE for every $20 spent:Verification - Barry M Color Balm in Currant Run (lightly used) - Covergirl Lipstick in Caramel Kiss (used 2x) - Ellen Tracy Liquid Eyeshadows - H&M Blush Trio (used 3x) - Hourglass Mineral Veil Primer (foil) - Ko Voss Fairy Dust Highlighter - Kiko Lip Liner in 04 - Maybelline Master Precise Liquid Liner (mini) - Maybelline Master Prime Eye Primer in Prime and Illuminate - Maybelline Clear Lip Liner (lightly used) - Max Studio Baked Blush (used) - Nars Radiance Primer (foil) - Nyx Intense Butter Gloss in Tres Leches (swatched) - Physicians Formula Killer Curves Mascara (mini) - Revlon Lip Scrub (used 5x) - Revlon Lip Balm in Peach (used 5x) - Revlon Color Stay Eye Liner in Black (used 5x) - Rimmel The Only 1 Lipstick in It’s a Keeper - Sleek Major Matte Lip Cream in Daydreamer - Sleek Lifeproof Metallic Eyeliner in Break and Enter - Smashbox Photo Finish Primer (foil) - Soap and Glory Sexy Motherpucker Gloss Stick in Plum Jam - Stila x Dancing with the Stars Blush - Tarte Surfer Curl Mascara (mini, used) - Ulta Eye Liner (mini) - Ulta Poreless Face Primer (mini) - Ulta Jelly Eyeshadows (mini, silvery color) - Ulta Chubby Lip Crayon (mini) - Wet n Wild Highlighter in White Raven (swatched) - Wet n Wild Highlighter in Lilac to Reality (used 3x) - Wet n wild pigments- Kung Fu Lightning, Ride on my Copper, Dom and Cherry on Top, Heart of Rose Gold (all swatched) - Wet n Wild Lip Gloss in Featherless (swatched), Love Bird Affair
submitted by costco_hoesale to makeupexchange [link] [comments]


2020.09.21 18:00 EmpireOfChairs Capstone for Part 3: Gravity's Rainbow

Hello, everybody! It’s finally time to leave the Zone!
Can you believe that you haven’t even gotten to the most difficult part of the novel yet?
Anyway, I’ve included a massive plot summary here, because the last capstone had one, but this is only for the benefit of new and future readers who are struggling to make sense of the plot threads, and it doesn’t contain any real analysis. If you feel like you understood the gist of what happened already, then feel free to skip it. I am hoping that this summary will elucidate this part of the novel for those who are having trouble following the narrative but still want the opportunity to come to their own conclusions about what it all means.
Throughout In the Zone, I found my real life suddenly full of random obstacles that meant that I couldn’t contribute to as many threads as I would have liked. I would read those other threads and find that things which had fascinated me were either being ignored wholesale or else (I felt) misinterpreted in the comments. As such, I would like to give my thoughts on them here and now, before we leave the Zone and the opportunity to discuss these things is lost.
However, because the plot of In the Zone is so damn long, I’ve decided to do things a little bit differently: I’m going to use this main thread for the summary, and then I’m going to write individual comments on the various parts of In the Zone which I think deserve more analysis before we move on to The Counterforce. The parts I will be analysing will be titled Bianca, Enzian, and The Castle, with associated page numbers based around the 902-page Vintage edition.
Plot Summary:
As you would imagine, I can’t put a lot of detail into a brief summary of what would, on its own, still represent a fairly long novel. I’d like to apologise in advance if I happen to miss anything important, story-wise.
In the Zone opens with Slothrop in his new secret identity as British journalist Ian Scuffling, travelling by train trough the remnants of post-war Germany, the Zone, where he shall remain for most of the book. He meets a racist, jingoistic military man named Major Duane Marvy, who is promptly thrown off the train by a mysterious African ‘rocket-trooper’ named Orbst Enzian. Wandering through the Zone, Slothrop encounters Geli Tripping, a witch with an owl who reveals herself to be the lover of a murderous Soviet cyborg named Tchitcherine, who is involved with finding the Schwarzgerät; a one-of-a-kind V-2 rocket. Having apparently escaped Them, finding out what happened to this rocket then becomes the primary goal of Slothrop – his new epic quest.
Slothrop attempts to infiltrate the Mittelwerke, a vast SS-shaped underground tunnel complex, used by the Nazis to create V-2 rockets using slave-labourers from the nearby Dora concentration camp. He finds the place invaded by Marvy’s army, and the Russians – who both decide to murder Slothrop for discovering what seems to be… an ongoing operation? After his escape, Slothrop finds himself escaping to Berlin via hot-air balloon, only to be hunted by Marvy’s boys once more, but luckily the balloon is filled with custard pies, which are then thrown into the engine of Marvy’s aircraft, presumably killing most of them.
We come to learn more about Enzian, who turns out to have lived previously as a sex-slave to Weissman, a high-ranking German officer who participated in the Herero genocide that wiped out Enzian’s family. As time progressed, Enzian became Weissman’s Monster – the sinister, black right-hand man during his master’s involvement with the development of the V-2 rocket and the mysterious Schwarzgerät. In the Zone, with Weissman’s disappearance, Enzian has taken on a new, commanding role as the leader of the Schwarzkommando – a paramilitary death-cult made up of members of the Erdschweinhöhle (the death-obsessed Herero-survivors scattered throughout various communities in Nordhausen), who have made it their goal to find the Schwarzgerät. He even gets his own right-hand man in the form of the radio-enthusiast Andreas Orukambe. Among the Schwarzkommando, however, there is disagreement – some, like Enzian, believe in the destiny of destruction promised by the Rocket, whilst others, such as Ombindi of the Empty Ones, wish to initiate their own form of ‘racial suicide’, which uses sexual deviancy to ensure a negative birth-rate, which is seen as a triumph of material pleasure over the European ideals of Christian asceticism and death-worship.
Because of his quest to discover the Schwarzgerät, he is by default the arch-nemesis of Tchitcherine. Tchitcherine, we find out, is the long-lost half-brother of Enzian, their father having had a steamy affair with a Herero girl whilst in the midst of deserting the Russo-Japanese War. He grows up into a high-ranking agent of the Leninist Soviet regime, being principally tasked with giving the native people of Kyrgyzstan a new language (the New Turkic Alphabet), which isn’t historically accurate, by the way. During an uprising against conscription in 1916, thousands of native Kazakhs were killed, in an event which Tchitcherine refers to as the Kirghiz Light, which loses him his cosy, bureaucratic job. He is haunted by this light, which he sees as an illumination, a transcendent moment in which he saw the force behind it all. Sent out to the Zone, Tchitcherine has quickly adopted the new role of Rocket-fanatic, believing (like Enzian) that there is a spiritual force to be revealed to him in the Schwarzgerät. He is not entirely sure why his superiors sent him to the Zone, but he is absolutely convinced that it somehow involves Enzian and the Schwarzkommando.
Back to Slothrop, who briefly runs into Enzian again, only to be told, rather ominously, that reality is not real. Enzian, indeed, seems to treat his existence as though they were all conjured into being by some director or writer-God, and that all they can do is follow a pre-determined path to His ending. Weird. Anyway, Slothrop then meets Säure Bummer, the coolest man in the Zone – a proto-hippie drug dealer and money-counterfeiter, who suggests that Slothrop take on the superhero identity of Rocketman (which he does) and then advises him to travel to a bar to meet a contact (Seaman Bodine, the foul-mouthed sailor) who will show Slothrop the way to the Schwarzgerät in exchange for picking up a massive shipment of marijuana – located in the centre of the Potsdam conference. He is then to return with the product, which will be given to an influential Zone personality called der Springer, who will know Slothrop is cool because Säure has given him a chess-piece (a white knight) with which to identify himself. With this potential reward, along with part of the score and one million fake marks, Slothrop decides to haul ass to the conference. He invents another disguise (Max Schelpzig, the name on the fake ID which brought him to Europe in the first place) and sets forth, first by taking a boat into the Russian sector and then running on foot through an Autobahn, jumping the barricade into Potsdam. He gets the dope eventually, after a few awkward encounters with politicians and a few epic stealth moves, and then returns to his boat, where he is then drugged and dragged away, unconscious. Turns out, Tchitcherine has been watching him the whole time, and has just drugged him with the truth-serum/LSD stand-in Sodium Amytal.). He then tries out a huge chunk of Slothrop’s product with his right-hand man, Dzaqyp Qulan, and dumps Slothrop in an abandoned film studio. Waking up, Slothrop encounters Greta Erdmann, a pre-war pornographic actress, who is searching the studio in the hopes of finding her daughter, Bianca, who was conceived at this very studio, with a man named Max Schelpzig, during the filming of German director der Springer’s movie Alpdrücken. Slothrop confides that he isn’t so sure that he’s not in a movie right now.
Meanwhile, the Argentinian anarchists of Squalidozzi find themselves in a submarine, longing for the Zone to become a permanently decentralised monument to the freedom of the individual, in stark contrast from what is happening back home, in their native Buenos Aires. They believe in the power of art to inspire revolution, and desire to work with der Springer to create a film version of Martin Fierro which will force their revolution into existence – just as his propaganda films seemed to will the Schwarzkommando into existence.
Quite the opposite kind of person is then introduced to us: Franz Pökler, a Nazi engineer who worked on the V-2 rocket and the Schwarzgerät under the command of Weissman (now calling himself Captain Blicero). Pynchon shows us basically all of Pökler’s adult life, in a non-linear order. What happens, in short, is this: Pökler is inspired to become a rocket-engineer after taking university lectures in chemistry via Laszlo Jamf, the Pavlovian who somehow conditioned Slothrop as a baby to get erections during V-2 rocket strikes, decades before the V-2 was invented. He marries Leni Pökler, a communist reactionary who will drift apart from him as Weimar Germany becomes the hotseat for a new form of Evil. After watching the late-night premiere of Alpdrücken, Pökler runs home and impregnates Leni with their only child, Ilse. Raising her, he feels compelled to instil within her a desire to travel to the Moon, which is handily reinforced with frequent visits to Zwölfkinder, an amusement park run entirely by children. With Leni gone, Pökler falls deep into his work for the Nazis. As time goes on, he begins to question the nature of his work – is what he is doing just as Evil as what They are doing? Blicero and the other higher-ups catch wind of this, and, to prevent sabotage, Ilse is removed from Pökler’s life. He realises that bringing up the topic will result in termination, possibly of his life, and so he keeps on with the rocket work. He then sees Ilse again, delivered to him at his office without a note, and is advised to go to Zwölfkinder with her, which he does. She disappears the next day. This happens year after year on the same day, with Pökler gradually developing a harrowing fear that she died in the first year, and was replaced by a similar-looking girl. On their final visit to Zwölfkinder, after the Nazi defeat, they find the park empty, and ‘Ilse’ no longer likes the Moon. She tells him that they will no meet again. He returns to the office to find that it has been bombed to smithereens – interesting, isn’t it, how this just so happened to occur on the same day that Pökler goes on his holiday? Bewildered, Pökler travels to the location that Ilse and Leni were supposedly being held, only to find himself in the middle of the Dora concentration camp.
We then encounter the quick story of Horst Achtfaden, another Nazi engineer who, whilst on-board a possibly imaginary “Toiletship” vessel, is captured by Enzian and the Schwarzkommando, who demand that he reveal to them the location of the Schwarzgerät. Deciding that the entire War was just a big joke and that it definitely isn’t worth dying for, he claims that he has no idea what they are talking about, but that there was a colleague named Narrisch who worked directly on the project, so maybe bother him instead.
Back to Slothrop, who is now following the slightly unhinged Greta Erdmann’s lead as she follows a hunch that she hopes will lead straight to Bianca. This leads to a coastal town near the Lüneberg Heath, where the glimpse of a shrouded figure in the mist sends Greta into hysterics before it disappears. As evening approaches, a party-boat named the Anubis drifts by the coast. Upon seeing it, Greta becomes convinced that Bianca is on-board, and jumps into the water after it. Slothrop swims after her, losing his entire Rocketman costume to the sea as he does so. He discovers that the ship is a massive upper-class, elite society orgy vessel - people are indulging in the most depraved sexual acts he has ever seen, all the time, all over the place. And as the night wades on, the centrepiece of this orgy commences – a young girl (Bianca) performs half of a Shirley Temple routine before being publicly humiliated and whipped by Erdmann, her mother. The following morning, Bianca enters Slothrop’s room and the two have sex. Later, a Japanese people-watcher named Ensign Morituri, who lived on the same coastal town that Slothrop was at when they saw the Anubis, relates the horrible truth of Erdmann’s past life. In the lead-up to her time with Slothrop, Erdmann, a fellow native of the town, had gradually gone insane with her partner Gerhardt von Goll, believing herself (for some reason) to be part-Jewish. As some sort of psychotic payback against the Nazis, she began dressing in a shroud and luring the local children out to the swamps, where she would role-play with them (her as Nazi, child as Jew) before drowning them. The figure Erdmann saw earlier is revealed to be a grown-up version of one of the few survivors of her serial-killings – a survivor only because Morituri was there to stop her.
Later, Slothrop endeavours to find Erdmann after she locks herself in her room out of guilt. However, she reveals that her guilt is out of a completely unrelated event – during her time at the Heath, she became the sexual associate of Captain Blicero, who is revealed to have gone insane whilst pursuing some kind of apocalyptic project with a sex-slave (a young boy named Gottfried, who has mysteriously disappeared…) and has now come to see himself as a mythic figure in a fantasy world, running through a different version of Germany from everyone else. During her career as a sex-icon, Blicero took Greta to a remote room in a petrochemical plant, filled with politicians and business tycoons, who introduced her to clothing made entirely out of a new form of plastic – she finds it so stimulating that she wanted to immediate get down and dirty with those around her, but was just as quickly led out of the room again, and, over time, left with a growing concern that she witnessed the birth of something too horrible to really get to the bottom of.
Shortly after this encounter, a major storm hits the Anubis, and many of the passengers, including Slothrop, find themselves thrown head-first into the Sea. Slothrop seems content that the ‘Fascist cargo’ of the ship will soon drown to death. Of course, he is not included – he is soon picked up by an illegal smuggler and sweet old lady called Frau Gnahb, who travels with her young descendant Otto. Reaching land the following morning, Slothrop quickly finds a white-suited man calling himself der Springer, who (after Slothrop shows him Säure’s chess-piece) reveals himself to be none other than Gerhardt von Goll. He is travelling with his friend, an ex-scientist named Narrisch. They all then hop on-board to journey to Peenemunde, where von Goll is immediately arrested by Russian authorities. Narrisch, angered by the whole thing, then forces Slothrop to accompany him as they do another deep-cover infiltration, this time of the Tchitcherine’s military base where they are keeping von Goll. Freeing von Goll, who is on Sodium Amytal, Slothrop finds himself kocking a guard unconscious and taking his uniform. Then, Slothrop and Narrisch run into Tchitcherine and Qulan, where they all get very confused about the uniforms, thus buying enough time for von Goll’s escape. Narrisch then decides to stay behind to fight off the Russians, to allow Frau Gnahb and the gang to get away safely.
Then, to Slothrop’s horror, they once more find the Anubis, where Slothrop is told that he will find his stash to give to von Goll in the engine room. Going on-board, he finds that no-one on the ship remembers or recognises him at all. He gets to the engine room, where the lights go out completely, and voices proceed to taunt and beat him. Frightened, he looks up to find the corpse of Bianca hanging from a noose, just above the stash. He gets it and runs, finding invisible hands grabbing his own as he tries to climb the ladder out of there.
Meanwhile, two older characters, Katje and Pirate, find themselves entwined with a counter-revolutionary force after the destruction of the White Visitation. Katje discovers a film by Osbie Feel which seems to reveal to her the whole Plan and how to combat it, whilst Pirate, on the other hand, has a psychic vision in which he discovers that people of those whom he had trusted are actually parts of Them, and, what’s worse, They know that he is watching them. Both Katje and Pirate begin to form a vague hope of something that can defeat Them, some kind of Counterforce…
Wandering homeless around the Zone again, Slothrop begins to wonder about his own family history, and the environmental damage wrought by his family’s paper company. Furthermore, he thinks back to his first American ancestor, William Slothrop, a pig-loving anti-establishment figure whose political pamphlet was burned on-masse by the Elite, and was then forced to return, defeated, to England. Slothrop once more meets both Marvy and the Schwarzkommando, neither of whom recognise him in the Russian uniform. We soon find out that Marvy is now in league with the Soviets, who have been extracting information about the Schwarzgerät from Narrisch and selling it back to Marvy. While this is going on, Slothrop finds Cuxhaven, where the local children ask him to become their mythical pig-hero, Plechazunga, as part of a pagan festival. Crashed by the cops, Slothrop takes refuge with a teenage girl, who wishes to escape with him, but refuses to leave when the time comes. Slothrop, on the road again, finds a slightly mad German child who demands that Slothrop help him find his lemming, which they fail to do, but Slothrop himself finds a pig, who accompanies him on his journey, which is interrupted by one evening in which Slothrop finds a fellow homeless wanderer named Franz Pökler, who he finds strangely relatable.
Meanwhile, we get to hear about Lyle Bland. Bland was a member of the Masons, though he did not care about the society in the same way that the other Masons seemed to. However, as time went on, he felt that he understood their rites and rituals in a way that the real members never did. He became connected to arcane magickal forces, creating nightly out-of-body experiences, saying on his deathbed that he would choose that night to break through to the Other Side and achieve transcendence. Bland’s life prior to this event was a mish-mash of government deals with mobsters, with the conniving blackmail techniques of intelligence agencies, with the grand conspiracies of international technology tycoons. This last one seems particularly interesting, don’t you think? Bland thinks so too, and he actually has quite a pet passion for a remarkable scheme involving pinball machines that are built to fail – the machines will, in fact, fail immediately after they are fixed. How? Good question.
The final Slothrop scene of In the Zone shows him once more with Bodine, running away from American troops and straight into a mansion which happens to be hosting the party of the century. Ditching his pig-costume in a closet, he takes up in a bedroom with a prostitute named Solange, who is actually Leni Pökler in a new identity. Meanwhile, Bodine runs into Major Marvy, who is here to have sex with a minority so that he can live out a racist power-fantasy. Bodine gives Marvy a vial of cocaine, which Marvy then stashes into his jacket. Later, the mansion is raided by American troops – Marvy, having sex with a minority, freaks it because of the coke he left in his pocket, runs to the closet to find the jacket, only to discover that his whole uniform is missing – the only outfit he can put on to escape is some sort of pig costume. The American troops then find him, ask him if he is Tyrone Slothrop, which Marvy agrees to, hoping that Slothrop hasn’t done anything too bad. He is then kidnapped and dragged into the woods by Muffage and Spontoon, the two hitmen hired by Pointsmen in a previous part of the book to find Slothrop, who proceed to drug and castrate Marvy.
The final section features Mossmoon and Scammony, two government boys back in England who gossip about Pointsman’s career ruination over the castration of Marvy, and the collapse of the whole Scheme. They uneasily discuss the role of homosexuality in government conspiracies. They reveal, finally, what Slothrop was supposed to do in Their Grand Scheme. He was supposed to begin the extermination of the black race. Oh well, they think. If he can’t do it, They will just have to develop different methods.
In the Zone ends on, or around, August 6th 1945 – the date of the atomic bomb strike on Hiroshima. It is also the celebration the Transfiguration.
Discussion Questions:
· Has it occurred to you that most of the dialogue in these sections would have been spoken in German?
· Why do you think the novel is divided into four parts, and what do you think separates them?
· What do you make of the use of the Wizard of Oz quote that begins this section? Quite interesting, especially considering that this is the only epigram that seems to have no reference point in the actual novel.
· What has changed between the beginning and the end of In the Zone?
· Many have expressed the view that Gravity’s Rainbow is not about WWII at all. In fact, Gravity’s Rainbow is about Vietnam. How do you feel about that interpretation, given the focus on the Zone here? More importantly, what does In the Zone tell us about the world in 1973?
· Do you believe that Gravity’s Rainbow is at all autobiographical?
· Why do you think Slothrop keeps becoming a superhero in these sections? What do superheroes and comic books mean to Pynchon?
· Some people have pointed out, with a particular focus on the episodes in which Slothrop wakes up in the studio and Katje finds Osbie Feel’s movie, that the plot is actually a giant film. How does that strike you, and how do you think that metafiction and the introduction of alternative mediums relates to the themes of In the Zone?
· In the Zone makes up literally half of the book. But why? What’s so important about it that could not expressed elsewhere?
· For that matter, what do you make of the Zone itself? Why do you think he wrote a book around it?
· Does Pynchon evoke the imagery of ghosts, magic, angels, demons, telepathy and other phenomena with genuine sincerity, or are we supposed to take these as metaphors for more grounded events?
· This section is far more epic in scope than the two preceding it. Did you encounter anything cool or interesting that you think we forgot about in the discussion threads?
· What do you make of the Rocket-cartel, and what do think Their grand plan actually is?
· What was your favourite episode of this part? Also, what was your favourite Pynchon-tangent or speech?
Previous Threads:
Sections 30-33
Sections 34-37
Sections 38-40
Sections 41-45
Sections 46-48
Sections 49-53
Sections 54-57
Sections 58-61
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2020.09.21 17:31 gayclarinet I read "Back to Blood" by Tom Wolfe and uhh

It was bad. Very very bad.
Some background: I've never read Tom Wolfe before now, and picked up this book because it was $5 at BAM. I initially thought it was a nonfiction book, but quickly learned it wasn't. I imagine The Right Stuff/The Electric Kool-Aid Test is probably better than this as Wolfe's a journalist, but I don't know. Also, I'm a white guy who's never been to Miami reviewing this book about race (sort of), but also, Wolfe was a white guy from VA, so it's probably fine. Spoilers, obviously.
Back to Blood is a 704 page novel with little plot and too many characters. Our two main characters are Nestor Camacho, a Cuban cop who, after scaling a pole to arrest a Cuban man who is trying to get asylum in America, is outed by his community as a traitor. His girlfriend, Magdalena, breaks up with him suddenly to date her boss, the most famous sex addiction psychiatrist in Miami. Here lie two different "plot" points: Nestor, in his attempts to regain favor, assaults a black man with cocaine (in a pretty racistly-worded section, in that "nothing good happens in this part of town"), breaks a case that a black kid (again!) assaulted a teacher, though the teacher had been arrested for assaulting him, and that the large amount of paintings given to the Miami Art Museum were all forgeries in a large Russian con job. Magdalena, on the other hand, sort of just goes around with her sex-addicted sex addiction psychiatrist boyfriend. Then it ends.
Now, the plot is horrible, in that I read 704 pages and the above is the best way I can summarize it. But the writing-atrocious! All thoughts are written ::::::like this:::::::, and there are about ten italicized words (for emphasis) per page. There is so much repetition in the description, and not a single word of this book was edited, I think. For some reason, Wolfe's use of iPhone as a verb really gets me, as well as the fake names for Leonardo DiCaprio and Keanu Reaves (Leon Decapito and Kanyu Reade).
Now on to, in my opinion, the worst part. Every woman is described in relation to her sexual appeal (even when narrated by heterosexual women), and every man is described as large or small. Take this, a description of a character we don't spend hardly any time with, but Nestor ends up with at the end:
"Out here on the porch he saw her in the light for the first time. ::::::Dios mio! She's so exotica!:::::: He couldn't stop staring. He looked up up and down far faster than it takes to say so. Her skin was as white and smooth as a china plate-but her hair was black as black could be...well, straight, thick, shimmering, streaming down to her shoulders as luxuriantly as any cubana's but black as black could be...and her eyes...staring at him wide-open with fright-and all the more gorgeous for that-and black as black could be...but in a china-white face. Her lips were delicate and curved in a certain mysterious way(took some out here)she's totally innocent of make up-but hold on! That's not really true, is it! He has just noticed the eye shadow. ::::::She's got the rims of her lower lids coated with it!-really names her big eyes pop out! And don't tell me she's not aware of that...and hey, don't tell me she's not aware of how short her skirt is-or does it just happen to show off her lovely long legs, the kind they call lissome...what other white americana would dare turn up at a raggedy dope den in Overtown showing off a pair of lissomely alluring legs like that?::::::...She doesn't look very daring at this moment, however. She keeps blinking blinking blinking blinking...She keeps her lips parted, because she's breathing fast....and with that her breasts rise and fall. They're beneath a shirt, Oxford cloth, which has a coarse weave, button-down, only the top button open on the shirtfront, which amounts to not even trying to be sensual-even hidden this well they look to Nestor like perfection, those breasts...and somehow, her obvious fear moves the heart of Nestor...Nestor the Protector..."
I did not add in the ellipses. I only omitted one bit. That is one page, and that's how the entire book is written. This is right after he beat down a man, and this woman is actually Haitian, which may be why he's describing her as white, to show that she is white-passing (Tom Wolfe's words).
This is, however, the worst part of the book. Magdalena is at an art gallery with Norman, her boyfriend, and Maurice, a client/billionaire. NSFW.
Now she stood stark naked in front of a big puddle of heavy black cloth...rigid, erect. Her face was a blank....She looked like one of the undead in a horror movie...without a stitch on. Magdalena whispered to Norman, "Let's leave-now!" She nodded toward Maurice. Norman just shook his head...No. The stark naked woman appeared to be fifteen years to old and fifteen pounds too heavy to play this role, whatever it was. She began speaking in the dead voice of the undead. "Men have fucked me...they have fucked me, fucked me, fucked me over, over-fucked me-"...on and on with this I Was A Fucking Zombie poem-until all at once she inserted a thumb and two fingers into her vagina and pulled out a length of sausage and came alive, as it were, and cried out, "De-fucked!"-and out came another sausage-"De fucked!" and "De fucked!" and "De fucked!" and "De fucked!" Magdalena couldn't believe how many link sausages the woman had managed to stuff inside her vaginal cavity! Maurice had his hand clasped over his crotch. But instead of stroking it with his hand, he was rocking his body back and forth beneath his hand."
Yeah. Sorry for the long review but it was terrible. Has anyone read it, or any other Tom Wolfe fiction/novel? What were your thoughts?
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2020.09.15 04:25 xnwpx0 tried my luck everything is has backfired

OC
told my roomate i think i love you. she said "I have love for you" she does a lot of little things that show me real feelings. She is seeing other people now. I couldn't close my eyes without seeing her before she started seeing others now I just see others with her. It is effecting my sleep and waking hours now as I post this at almost 2. Last weekend we talked maybe a 30. She left. Before part 1 happend we texted all day now I barely get a "ok". 3.5 month-ish ago her and her ex spllit. they dated for 1.5 years. We ater.she was fresh out of a break-up. You're damn right we watched anime for the next three or so days. Then we really found out about each other. I am not really one to share personal information. I have some weird quirks i blame being a Scorpio and raised in a nosey rural area . Mostly I lisend and watched her. Her fucking eyes man it was hard to look away back then.now i cant keep eye contact. if I had to describe my type I would use her as the model for the body, face, personality, kinks, humor, level of nerd knowledge, and attitude(she doesn't, but I love her hair everything about her from when she gets angry to when she runs from bugs. She went on to talk about her horse and her life when she was a kid. her impressive rebel streak in high school. I found that I really enjoyed her company. just sitting around it was calming to me. We began to just cuddle when she was down. She was at the sad part of her break up. I really did do the gentlemanly thing to do. Tucked myself away not even a poke, I swear I tried anyway. This continues we are pent up I'm attracted to her i know she is attracted to me now.i was just trying to comfort her. We took a nap on my bed. When we woke up we got a bit frisky. I asked her if she was sure I had been trying to avoid it. I really didn't want to so soon after her break up. I figured they might makeup and I was clearly taking sides i chose her. hands down her ex is an overbearing controlling gaslighting piece of work with a strange superiority complex. Sex happened. She really is beautiful in every way. The best part? She wanted me if only for a bit. My last relationship ended 8 months prior and she moved out 1 month before i came here. starved for human contact is an understatement. I'm gonna skip the part where we got robbed by some shitty people we thought where our friends and a junkie roommate. She talked about leaving this state to go to Oregon and me going with. I believe she was really happy. She began to say I was her twin flame. This concept excited me I looked into it (i research everything) and read as much as i could find. I was/am enthralled with her. I hadn't put roots down here I would have gone then. That day. I didn't owe anybody here anything. future goals i guess. i wonder if im just a sentimental fool or if she will remeber this stuff that made me get more involved. At some point, we got pulled into drugs. She had been there before I was brand new to it. We don't really have a circle of people in that life. I'm not sure when it happened or what it was but suddenly there was a small rift. I didn't notice until the messages barely came in she stopped telling me she missed me the cutesie stuff . and all the little things she did began to dwindle. I notice things I guess after my ex. phone dropping the near panic looks before a calm facade takes its place. She always had a lot of messages rolling in. Not unexpected she is a very pretty girl on social media. There was no sign. Until there were lots of signs she began to lie to me.(im not innocent of lies)friends showed up to pick her up. im not clueless but then i didnt have it rubbed in my face. In the 2-3 months since we started joining rooms. I gave her children my room sense its right next to hers, and my dressers. I think they got my pillows as well not that ive ever needed a pillow. Anyways that is when i started to really be pushed away. the only room that was empty is a little 10x12. where i was storing things that we didn't need in her room. My bed and a few misalliances things. I don't have much here I only brought a backpack of my things. She was out and i was hanging out in the room and she messaged me something i don't remember the conversation. I remember i said something smartass and she took me seriously. That was the night i slept in my old bed again i think (1st) it stayed set up after that. but she allowed me back into her room. i realized how possibly temperary my spot was in there. Her comfort zone, safe space, princess palace. I was just a visitor now. I could be thrown out at will. I think twice maybe three times i was "sent to my room". That was a walk of shame. I almost want to omit I cried about that the first time. We both realized i had stronger feelings for her than she for me. She used the phrase we need to talk. It was to clarify the non-relationship relationship status. she said i was too cuddly and affectionate. I really am a big cuddler. i think skin to skin contact is the best thing you can do. I'm not a PDA person it doesn't bother me. I know she was not into it. Never intentionally pushed that line. after that the rift grew. Then i had a very bad time one night where i messed up probably everything. I mentioned the drugs, here is where they come into play small fight occurred. it is kind of blurry to me I'm sure she would have a full recaptioning. The end result was her leaving to meet a guy. I think i said i didn't want her to go. anyways she didn't leave me any drugs. i had a box where it collects. she had a thing she told me to never touch. it was personal to her so i didn't. I did however find my own very similar one. i ended up finding a bunch of the drugs in my box. i promptly fell asleep on the couch without doing my hard collected drugs. i woke up to her and some guy walking in the front door. i was groggy it was early. i told her what i was doing she got mad and took my collections. and they both went to her room. at that point, i had a mot so small amount i had intended to save for her. Decided to do it all. that right there is where i fucked up everything i remember brooding about the container. Like Gollum its mine, i found it blah blah. i was getting ready for work a bit early. i think I was collecting everything so i would remember it all. I wanted some more so I wouldn't have to wake her then. that was my good intention anyways. the guy was also going to work so he walked out i walked in. looked in the regular spots didn't find anything. normally shes awake by now. Nudge her to ask her completely forgetting we had fought earlier. She spun around very fast, told me that i had broken into her room and i was to high and needed to calm down. chill. i can be prideful and spiteful which is a bad combo with any stimulant I was in a rage acting out i went to my car and unplugged the battery. I also snuck into her room for another look around. work was coming up i was getting tired. i wanted it...i needed it. **Gollum Gollum** didn't find it. i was going out and i saw her phone. im sure i wanted to get back at her for hoarding the small horde i collected. But the key thought was jealousy. I was hurt by the fact he had her attention for however long i slept. That's when my brain kicked into a drug-fueled overdrive. slinging out half thought through conclusions. i decided i was going to block his number. so when she texted him he would never get it and vice versa. that is the shadiest, shittiest, most pathetic and most regrettable thing I've ever done. I'm embarrassed by it, but it is here now. after that, I went to work. She caught on rather quickly to my shame. both things i had done where so petty and juvenile. i slept 4 hours in the company car while being driven around. when she called i woke up in a daze. Talked to her, and immediately denied everything I went from petty vandalism and an invasion of privacy to her hot button. lying. That was the how & when of it all happened. thanks to my stupidity the rift practically doubled. it went from some messages down to nothing really for a few days or a week. let's just say i was sober after that with a vigilant sponsor who still used. that is just part one. of my now 3 part fuck up as of last night.\par
Part 2 : So the second time i fucked up i think we're both at fault she disagrees but in my opinion, this is what happened. we were arguing about something again i can't precisely remember. so obviously i was high. when our fight reached its climax she said she was going to her long time friend's house. and i said fine you should go im going for a walk and i snatched up my shoes and left before she knew what was happening. she called me about half a mile down the road maybe 6 minutes. she asked me what i was doing i said i didn't even know maybe be homless again maybe go back home many many miles away like more than a month or walking. we talked for a minute i mostly calmed down. she seemed calm. i sat down for a few minutes smoke a cig tried to be calm. when i was walking back she drove past me and honked on her way to her friend's house. I don't think she got home until 4 maybe later than that. i made some apologies set up a bigger room and have been very quiet. like house arrest but house exile. trying to be me again make up for how shitty i was. i lent her money I couldn't afford to lend a few times. ive suffered in silence i didn't let her know. I didn't want her to know i wanted to do better and be good. for being a bad friend/roommate/twin-flame. someone who she shouldn't have to worry about some kind of betrayal or some devious plan to fuck her over. she started bringing over some new people. shes furloughed so I understand being bored here. Mainly girls and her old friend she said never had a chance because of his teeth. i wasn't jealous at all with just that little bit of informtion. kind of makes me wanna figure out why guys threaten me while girls don't raise a warning flag in the slightest. however, it didn't even register with me to think about my roommate being invited to a 3sum. with the girl i met and her husband. that was building up for a few days (i think) as they got closer to her i backed away started going to my room more and more. they think i was being anti-social or rude or that i don't like them. for the record, i don't dislike them as people. The first few times we hung out was fun i enjoyed it. played magic drank it was all good. until one night she said she was going to a long time friend's house ( guy with the teeth) normal their kids hang out and i was reassured nothing gonna happen. no biggy anyways im playing around on Reddit its like 2:10 she walks in the door. i say hi talk for a minute she goes to bed i think nothing of it. The next time the couple comes over he asks her why she left at 2 and she explains she couldn't get comfortable that is when i realized she lied to me. after making a huge deal about not lying to each other and how we don't have to tell each other everything cause we're not together. while they're talking about it i excuse myself from the group. I calmly walk into my room closed the door and broke down in my room. i never even expected her to lie to me i trusted her never questioned it. from the get-go, i just had a sense of peace and trust. it felt like she would never lead me astray deliberately. she talked me into hanging out with them one more time. while the girls dropped acid i was still kinda off about hanging out. reluctantly i joined them both girls naked. i sat on the edge of the bed just playing on my phone then i held the blacklight while he drew and then tattooed my roomie. they were all winding down the couple had a lease they had to sign in the morning i thought it was the end of the party. i hung out waiting for them to leave cause she was still high and i didn't wanna leave her alone. acid buddies!! but then they said they where kinda tired and where gonna sleep it off. they laid down thos two cuddled and then he reached for my roomie's leg and got her into the pile i wasn't upset or anything at that point. its when he reached up a little higher and her face didn't for a second say no, or hesitate. then she looked right at me.time kinda stopped time for me.. i swear she has magic eyes i couldn't tell you if they're a deep blue or bright green. undefinable. definite power over me my anger and adrenaline spiked. I couldn't stay there i didn't even wanna know what was happening it took all my will power to walk past them and not rip him away and i just hurt him for some slight that doesn't exist. its a very good thing for us both i was startlingly sober for the last week-ish. \par
Part 3: after i left her room i hid away. made myself scarce picked up extra work at my day job and found side work doing at anything to be busy for a few days but that ran out. then i was here and she wasn't. she stopped by to get stuff. and for what seems like forever i was alone she was in the house like less then10 minutes a day. she started to avoid me that's when the car broke down. the universe pushed us back into the same house at the same time. i figured anyway. so we decided to clean the house. living room reorganized, made it look a lot better. we sat down to talk about the car how to fix the radiator 98 bucks i just lent her 100+20+20 the week before for her nails. and another 100 last week. the stress of having to balance work and the bills and the rent and my relationship with her AND i help her do what ever she wants when i get home . i would hinestly do that if i was 3 time as tired thats the only time i get with her now. i used to stay up as late as possible just to be around her more but it is exhausting me. Work takes everything physical and the combination takes mental and emotional. whatever is left is broken at this point.gave her my card told her i had 74 dollers for the rest of the week its monday today she came back i had 11 i didnt say anything she later needed smokes i understand that so sure use my card i had to go sit by the back window for a bit. she is the one who snapped me out of it. and im thankful for that. so i looked for something to keep busy with. WE cleaned her room she had been dropping clothes off on the floor during the week. I went through them with her halfway through the pile ,I pulled out his boxers and another pair a second later. i did the dishes extra fast. the mental image of her with someone else hit me like a ton of bricks. went outside sat it the chair while it started raining and smoked. my hands were shaking i don't know what that was about. went back in i almost had to walk away but as i regain more sober thoughts i have more emotional control. so i just sat there pulling more clothes out. thought that maybe now would be a good time to talk and explain it better. we talked for a minute. just a few exchanges i wanted to go to sleep. the thing she said that is sticking with me is "as long as i am is happy fuck everybody else".- her. so i fisnished the clothes smoke a 3rd one in 20 minutes ask if she needs anything else. all good go to my room. decided i needed to think about what she had said. process it and let it sink in. when i left the guy and one other person where here. she thinks i left because they showed up she asked if i wnted to smoke i should have i could have clairifyed if thats what she ment but i walked it rained i came back one was leaving walked inside and i was stil mad about what she had said. i have a little punching bag in my closet. i used to box i enjoy the effort and the excorsize i got amped up started playing some heavy metal russian music. they dipped out at like 8 or 9 they just pulled back up 6:35 \par
\tab\par
\tab im a romantic idiot who got into and out of drugs and while on that adventure fell into a stupid amount of feelings for the shepard of the adventure. right now im sad about it but ill never regret meeting her.im figureing out im the problem and im the problem on drugs so i dont know how to cope except move get out get space think.
}
submitted by xnwpx0 to venting [link] [comments]


2020.09.13 23:48 Ariana718 BRUTALLY DISCARDED

I recently called off my engagement/wedding- well a year ago. But I’m still struggling. I’m wondering what your thoughts are on what type of person my ex really was. Still to this day make excuses for him, blame myself. Back in 2012 I dated him from age 22-24. He broke up with me then roped me back in a few weeks later. I called it off then because he wasn’t making a commitment after roping me back in. I later found out that throughout our whole relationship, he would be seen with other girls, and towards the end was triangulating btwn 3 girls. He ended up dating one of them for the next year and a half. I also found proof of him on bizarre websites (lonelyhousewives.com , talking with Russian “catfishes” saying how he couldn’t wait for them to get to America). Fast forward yr and a half 2015 - I get a call out of the blue from him asking to meet, after this whole time of no contact. I agreed- turns out he broke up with the girl he left me for a week prior - and he sat in front of me crying saying how stupid he was to let me go, how he was over the life of lying & cheating and how I was the one, etc. I called him out about what I knew— the 2 girls at the end of our previous relationship, the lies, etc.. but he would respond with “that’s not true.” So he’s over the lying but now still lying to my face. Lol, hindsight I’m an idiot, but I guess I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. He also lied about having a job at that current time- only after 2 weeks of seeing each other again did he tell me that he was let go from his job and collecting unemployment, and that he lied because he didn’t want me to judge him. (Later found out he was fired) And I again, gave him the benefit of the doubt and actually felt bad that he would feel the need to lie to me. So we dated for the next 2.5 years. Got engaged January 2018, bought a house together June 2018. Throughout our time dating he would say things like he doesn’t believe in marriage, or didn’t think he wanted kids, etc. Once we moved in, all hell broke loose. He wouldn’t come home a lot of the time, strolling in btwn 6-9 am. When j would confront him he would tell me he didn’t move in with me to move in with his mom, and if I cared so much about where he was I could have contacted him. Always an excuse— “I fell asleep on my friends couch, blah blah.” Constant fighting. Him telling me I was all about his money..( when we first dated he didn’t have a pot to piss in— finally landed a great job around 2016- but I was never with him for the money, in fact I would give him money the first time we dated and never asked for anything in return). So we lived together for a year , and come July 2019 we got into a huge fight, over nothing obviously. He goes missing for like 2 weeks. No communication. Telling me he’s done. I found out that he was seeing multiple other girls (seen from his text messages). I also found out he stole a necklace from me that his father gave me to as a gift and gave it to his new girl. Asked her if she “got any compliments on the necklace” lol. So for the next 2 months I had to live in the house with him. He would come and go, Yet still continuing to try to have sex with me when he would be at home or after he would come home in the morning from one of his dates. Sometimes crying and asking to work on things. If I wouldn’t have sex with him he would literally bring up a girl on a porn site and do the deed to that while I was laying right next to him. When confronted, he would tell me I drove him to cheat and do what he did. We did have our fair share of arguments and issues, but with his track record I’m hoping I wasn’t the one to drive him to do all this. I finally moved out last September. He moved in the girl he gave my necklace to and her 6 year old child ( funny, thought he didn’t want kids?) I know he’s not a good person, but I also think I went through a lot that destroyed my self esteem and wondering your opinions on him? He’s a known liar and has cheated on every girlfriend in the past . It’s been a year but I still doubt myself, and question if I am actually the reason he acted this way. I replay the relationship and ending in my mind daily and can’t get to a sense of being okay...
submitted by Ariana718 to ExNoContact [link] [comments]


2020.09.13 23:47 Ariana718 BRUTALLY DISCARDED

I recently called off my engagement/wedding- well a year ago. But I’m still struggling. I’m wondering what your thoughts are on what type of person my ex really was. Still to this day make excuses for him, blame myself. Back in 2012 I dated him from age 22-24. He broke up with me then roped me back in a few weeks later. I called it off then because he wasn’t making a commitment after roping me back in. I later found out that throughout our whole relationship, he would be seen with other girls, and towards the end was triangulating btwn 3 girls. He ended up dating one of them for the next year and a half. I also found proof of him on bizarre websites (lonelyhousewives.com , talking with Russian “catfishes” saying how he couldn’t wait for them to get to America). Fast forward yr and a half 2015 - I get a call out of the blue from him asking to meet, after this whole time of no contact. I agreed- turns out he broke up with the girl he left me for a week prior - and he sat in front of me crying saying how stupid he was to let me go, how he was over the life of lying & cheating and how I was the one, etc. I called him out about what I knew— the 2 girls at the end of our previous relationship, the lies, etc.. but he would respond with “that’s not true.” So he’s over the lying but now still lying to my face. Lol, hindsight I’m an idiot, but I guess I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. He also lied about having a job at that current time- only after 2 weeks of seeing each other again did he tell me that he was let go from his job and collecting unemployment, and that he lied because he didn’t want me to judge him. (Later found out he was fired) And I again, gave him the benefit of the doubt and actually felt bad that he would feel the need to lie to me. So we dated for the next 2.5 years. Got engaged January 2018, bought a house together June 2018. Throughout our time dating he would say things like he doesn’t believe in marriage, or didn’t think he wanted kids, etc. Once we moved in, all hell broke loose. He wouldn’t come home a lot of the time, strolling in btwn 6-9 am. When j would confront him he would tell me he didn’t move in with me to move in with his mom, and if I cared so much about where he was I could have contacted him. Always an excuse— “I fell asleep on my friends couch, blah blah.” Constant fighting. Him telling me I was all about his money..( when we first dated he didn’t have a pot to piss in— finally landed a great job around 2016- but I was never with him for the money, in fact I would give him money the first time we dated and never asked for anything in return). So we lived together for a year , and come July 2019 we got into a huge fight, over nothing obviously. He goes missing for like 2 weeks. No communication. Telling me he’s done. I found out that he was seeing multiple other girls (seen from his text messages). I also found out he stole a necklace from me that his father gave me to as a gift and gave it to his new girl. Asked her if she “got any compliments on the necklace” lol. So for the next 2 months I had to live in the house with him. He would come and go, Yet still continuing to try to have sex with me when he would be at home or after he would come home in the morning from one of his dates. Sometimes crying and asking to work on things. If I wouldn’t have sex with him he would literally bring up a girl on a porn site and do the deed to that while I was laying right next to him. When confronted, he would tell me I drove him to cheat and do what he did. We did have our fair share of arguments and issues, but with his track record I’m hoping I wasn’t the one to drive him to do all this. I finally moved out last September. He moved in the girl he gave my necklace to and her 6 year old child ( funny, thought he didn’t want kids?) I know he’s not a good person, but I also think I went through a lot that destroyed my self esteem and wondering your opinions on him? He’s a known liar and has cheated on every girlfriend in the past . It’s been a year but I still doubt myself, and question if I am actually the reason he acted this way. I replay the relationship and ending in my mind daily and can’t get to a sense of being okay...
submitted by Ariana718 to Empaths [link] [comments]


2020.09.13 23:45 Ariana718 BRUTALLY DISCARDED

I recently called off my engagement/wedding- well a year ago. But I’m still struggling. I’m wondering what your thoughts are on what type of person my ex really was. Still to this day make excuses for him, blame myself.
Back in 2012 I dated him from age 22-24. He broke up with me then roped me back in a few weeks later. I called it off then because he wasn’t making a commitment after roping me back in. I later found out that throughout our whole relationship, he would be seen with other girls, and towards the end was triangulating btwn 3 girls. He ended up dating one of them for the next year and a half. I also found proof of him on bizarre websites (lonelyhousewives.com , talking with Russian “catfishes” saying how he couldn’t wait for them to get to America).
Fast forward yr and a half 2015 - I get a call out of the blue from him asking to meet, after this whole time of no contact. I agreed- turns out he broke up with the girl he left me for a week prior - and he sat in front of me crying saying how stupid he was to let me go, how he was over the life of lying & cheating and how I was the one, etc. I called him out about what I knew— the 2 girls at the end of our previous relationship, the lies, etc.. but he would respond with “that’s not true.” So he’s over the lying but now still lying to my face. Lol, hindsight I’m an idiot, but I guess I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. He also lied about having a job at that current time- only after 2 weeks of seeing each other again did he tell me that he was let go from his job and collecting unemployment, and that he lied because he didn’t want me to judge him. (Later found out he was fired) And I again, gave him the benefit of the doubt and actually felt bad that he would feel the need to lie to me.
So we dated for the next 2.5 years. Got engaged January 2018, bought a house together June 2018. Throughout our time dating he would say things like he doesn’t believe in marriage, or didn’t think he wanted kids, etc.
Once we moved in, all hell broke loose. He wouldn’t come home a lot of the time, strolling in btwn 6-9 am. When j would confront him he would tell me he didn’t move in with me to move in with his mom, and if I cared so much about where he was I could have contacted him. Always an excuse— “I fell asleep on my friends couch, blah blah.” Constant fighting. Him telling me I was all about his money..( when we first dated he didn’t have a pot to piss in— finally landed a great job around 2016- but I was never with him for the money, in fact I would give him money the first time we dated and never asked for anything in return). So we lived together for a year , and come July 2019 we got into a huge fight, over nothing obviously. He goes missing for like 2 weeks. No communication. Telling me he’s done. I found out that he was seeing multiple other girls (seen from his text messages). I also found out he stole a necklace from me that his father gave me to as a gift and gave it to his new girl. Asked her if she “got any compliments on the necklace” lol. So for the next 2 months I had to live in the house with him. He would come and go, Yet still continuing to try to have sex with me when he would be at home or after he would come home in the morning from one of his dates. Sometimes crying and asking to work on things. If I wouldn’t have sex with him he would literally bring up a girl on a porn site and do the deed to that while I was laying right next to him. When confronted, he would tell me I drove him to cheat and do what he did. We did have our fair share of arguments and issues, but with his track record I’m hoping I wasn’t the one to drive him to do all this. I finally moved out last September. He moved in the girl he gave my necklace to and her 6 year old child ( funny, thought he didn’t want kids?) I know he’s not a good person, but I also think I went through a lot that destroyed my self esteem and wondering your opinions on him? He’s a known liar and has cheated on every girlfriend in the past . It’s been a year but I still doubt myself, and question if I am actually the reason he acted this way. I replay the relationship and ending in my mind daily and can’t get to a sense of being okay...
How can I get past this so it doesn’t continue to hinder my life?
submitted by Ariana718 to AbuseInterrupted [link] [comments]


2020.09.13 22:22 Ariana718 HELPPPP!!!!!

I recently called off my engagement/wedding. I’m wondering what your thoughts are on what type of person my ex really was. Still to this day make excuses for him, blame myself. Dated him from 22-24. He broke up with me then roped me back in a few weeks later. I called it off because he wasn’t making a commitment after roping me back in (few months). I later found out that throughout our whole relationship, he would be seen with other girls, and towards the end was triangulating btwn 3 girls. He ended up dating one of them for the next year and a half. I also found proof of him on bizarre websites ( lonelyhousewives.com , talking with Russian “catfishes” saying how he couldn’t wait for them to get to America lol) Fast forward yr and a half- I get a call out of the blue from him asking to meet, after this whole time of no contact. I agreed- and he sat in front of me crying saying how stupid he was to let me go, how he was over the life of lying & cheating and how I was the one, etc. I called him out about what I knew— the 2 girls at the end of our relationship, the lies I knew he told me.. but he would respond with “that’s not true.” So he’s over the lying but now still lying to my face. Lol, hindsight I’m an idiot, but I guess I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. He also lied about having a job at that current time- only after 2 weeks did he tell me that he was let go from his job and collecting unemployment, and that he lied because he didn’t want me to judge him. And I again, gave him the benefit of the doubt and actually felt bad that he would feel the need to lie to me. So we dated for the next 2.5 years. Got engaged January 2018, bought a house together June 2018. Throughout our time dating he would say things like he doesn’t believe in marriage, or didn’t think he wanted kids, etc. Once we moved in, all hell broke loose. He wouldn’t come home a lot of the time, strolling in btwn 6-9 am. When j would confront him he would tell me he didn’t move in with me to move in with his mom, and if I cared so much about where he was I could have contacted him. Always an excuse— “I fell asleep on my friends couch, blah blah.” Constant fighting. Him telling me I was all about his money..( when we first dated he didn’t have a pot to piss in— finally landed a great job around 2016- but I was never with him for the money, in fact I would give him money the first time we dated and never asked for anything in return). So we lived together for a year , and come July 2019 we got into a huge fight, over nothing obviously. He goes missing for like 2 weeks. No communication. Telling me he’s done. I found out that he was seeing multiple other girls (seen from his text messages). I also found out he stole a necklace from me that his father gave me to as a gift and gave it to his new girl. Asked her if she “got any compliments on the necklace” lol. So for the next 2 months I had to live in the house with him. He would come and go, Yet still continuing to try to have sex with me when he would be at home. Sometimes crying and asking to work on things. If I wouldn’t have sex with him he would literally bring up a girl on a porn site and do the deed to that while I was laying right next to him. I finally moved out last September. He moved in the girl he gave my necklace to and her 6 year old child ( funny thought he didn’t want kids?) I know he’s not a good person, but I also think I went through a lot that destroyed my self esteem and wondering your opinions on him? He’s a known liar and has cheated on every girlfriend in the past . It’s been a year but I still doubt myself and replay the relationship and ending in my mind daily and can’t get to a sense of being okay...
submitted by Ariana718 to LifeAfterNarcissism [link] [comments]


2020.09.13 22:21 Ariana718 What are your thoughts????

I recently called off my engagement/wedding. I’m wondering what your thoughts are on what type of person my ex really was. Still to this day make excuses for him, blame myself. Dated him from 22-24. He broke up with me then roped me back in a few weeks later. I called it off because he wasn’t making a commitment after roping me back in (few months). I later found out that throughout our whole relationship, he would be seen with other girls, and towards the end was triangulating btwn 3 girls. He ended up dating one of them for the next year and a half. I also found proof of him on bizarre websites ( lonelyhousewives.com , talking with Russian “catfishes” saying how he couldn’t wait for them to get to America lol) Fast forward yr and a half- I get a call out of the blue from him asking to meet, after this whole time of no contact. I agreed- and he sat in front of me crying saying how stupid he was to let me go, how he was over the life of lying & cheating and how I was the one, etc. I called him out about what I knew— the 2 girls at the end of our relationship, the lies I knew he told me.. but he would respond with “that’s not true.” So he’s over the lying but now still lying to my face. Lol, hindsight I’m an idiot, but I guess I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. He also lied about having a job at that current time- only after 2 weeks did he tell me that he was let go from his job and collecting unemployment, and that he lied because he didn’t want me to judge him. And I again, gave him the benefit of the doubt and actually felt bad that he would feel the need to lie to me. So we dated for the next 2.5 years. Got engaged January 2018, bought a house together June 2018. Throughout our time dating he would say things like he doesn’t believe in marriage, or didn’t think he wanted kids, etc. Once we moved in, all hell broke loose. He wouldn’t come home a lot of the time, strolling in btwn 6-9 am. When j would confront him he would tell me he didn’t move in with me to move in with his mom, and if I cared so much about where he was I could have contacted him. Always an excuse— “I fell asleep on my friends couch, blah blah.” Constant fighting. Him telling me I was all about his money..( when we first dated he didn’t have a pot to piss in— finally landed a great job around 2016- but I was never with him for the money, in fact I would give him money the first time we dated and never asked for anything in return). So we lived together for a year , and come July 2019 we got into a huge fight, over nothing obviously. He goes missing for like 2 weeks. No communication. Telling me he’s done. I found out that he was seeing multiple other girls (seen from his text messages). I also found out he stole a necklace from me that his father gave me to as a gift and gave it to his new girl. Asked her if she “got any compliments on the necklace” lol. So for the next 2 months I had to live in the house with him. He would come and go, Yet still continuing to try to have sex with me when he would be at home. Sometimes crying and asking to work on things. If I wouldn’t have sex with him he would literally bring up a girl on a porn site and do the deed to that while I was laying right next to him. I finally moved out last September. He moved in the girl he gave my necklace to and her 6 year old child ( funny thought he didn’t want kids?) I know he’s not a good person, but I also think I went through a lot that destroyed my self esteem and wondering your opinions on him? He’s a known liar and has cheated on every girlfriend in the past . It’s been a year but I still doubt myself and replay the relationship and ending in my mind daily and can’t get to a sense of being okay...
submitted by Ariana718 to abusiverelationships [link] [comments]


2020.09.09 19:18 Erutious When Everyone Knows

"Hey, Four Eyes," Marcus yelled, and I winced as I heard his sneakers smacking the linoleum.
Marcus and I were far from friends. I've known Marcus since my family moved here when I was eight. My first interaction with him was on the playground on my first day of school. Marcus and his small band of cronies wandered up to me as I sat in the sandbox, clearly drawn over by the new kid, and made the dynamic of our future relationship clear right away. I had sand kicked in my face, a sneaker pressed to my chest, and before I knew it, I was on my back in the sandbox as Marcus informed me that he would be collecting my lunch money from now on, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.
As I lay there, staring up at him, without a teacher in sight to help me, I knew at eight what it was to be truly helpless.
For the next eight years, I brought my lunch.
For the next eight years, he took this as a personal challenge to make my life a living hell.
My lunches were stolen, my glasses were broken, my things were vandalized, and my friends and I were tormented by the ever-present shadow of Marcus Highens. I did make friends, of course, but many people avoided me simply because I had elicited the ire of Marcus. He was a constant presence in my life, always there, always looming, always waiting for his next opportunity to show me what I was; his constant victim. I never owned anything that he didn't try to destroy or take away from me. I never liked a girl that he didn't immediately woo and dump in a semester. Marcus made it his business to have anything I wanted, but couldn't afford so he could rub it in my face. I kept hoping, just as mother had always taught me, that karma would catch up with him, and his actions would be punished by that ever-present force of cosmic justice. It seemed, however, that karma was not on my side.
As we grew, Marcus became the darling of whatever school he attended, and I became known as a bit of weirdo. I was a quiet kid, I liked to write, my grades were fine, but I was an introvert and didn't like to show off in class. Marcus, on the other hand, was known and loved by all. I quickly learned that this was how he got away with his bullying. Marcus was large, imposing, but he had a way about him that endeared him to adults. I would never admit it to him, but he was also smart. He never had trouble with grades, never had to study for tests, and seemed to succeed with only minimal effort. He played sports through school and thrived on the field even as he did in the classroom. By the time we were seniors, he had a football scholarship that would let him get into nearly any school he wanted. He was the typical all American student, and the world was his oyster.
I hated him, especially after this year.
I had spent three years with one goal in mind, having a seat on the student council in my senior year. It would look great on my college transcripts, alongside my volunteer work and debate team presence, and I actually thought that I could make a difference for some of the unheard students at the school. On a deeper level, I realized it might also bring me out of my shell and change me a little before leaving this whole experience behind and going to college. I had lived my life as an introvert, not really wanting to know anyone outside my circle of friends. Senior year was my last chance to really experience what would become the "best years of my life," or so they said. Maybe putting myself out there could change me a little, perhaps even for the better.
I had such high hopes back then.
I had campaigned, talked to my fellow students, and felt that I had my finger on the pulse of what they wanted in a councilman. I seemed a shoo-in for the empty seat. That was until Marcus realized how much I wanted it. Suddenly, he joined the race. Suddenly, his flyers were in every hall, his posters plastered over mine, his talking points very similar to mine, and his goal seemed to be to take one more thing that I wanted. He had been trying and failing to throw me off my game for weeks, trying to get in my head and make me drop out of the election before the upcoming candidacy speech before the student body voted for their representative.
As he approached, I wondered if he had found the toe hold he needed.
I closed my laptop as he came to stand over me, not wanting it broken if he was in a breaking mood. His face was possessed of that mixture of wicked glee and childish meanness. He looked like a kid on his way to pull wings off a butterfly, and I guess he was. I had been his caged bug for years and today was just another chance to practice his sadistic craft on me. He came alone, but I could see several letterman jackets hovering nearby, watching the show. I was nowhere near as muscular as him, being on the scrawny side, but that hardly mattered to him.
Marcus never fought fair if he could help it.
"Guess what I did last night?" he shouted, glancing around to see who was watching.
My friends sitting around the lunch table, immersed in a game of Magic the Gathering, looked up like startled animals around a watering hole.
A predator had arrived, and they wanted to know when the best time to start running was.
"I don't know, Marcus. Something fulfilling and meaningful, but I doubt it." I said without much interest.
Marcus barked out a sarcastic little laugh, "You'd be right there, Four Eyes."
He never used my name; it was always Four Eyes, and always in tones of the deepest scorn.
"I was at a rager last night when I met this fine-looking piece of tail and took her upstairs for a few hours. God, she screamed so loud I thought the cops were going to come."
"If you're looking for a high five, I think your boys are hovering somewhere around here," I said, already uninterested in this conversation.
I had no idea that his trap had teeth, but he was about to show me just how deep they cut.
"I just thought I'd let you know what a good lay your sister was, four eyes. She screamed my name again and again as I had her."
The whole cafeteria was paying attention now. I glanced at my friends and saw that their game was forgotten as Marcus laid out his nights activities for me in intimate detail. My face reddened, the snickers already beginning, as he loudly proclaimed his activities for all to hear. I was shocked, I was incapable of reacting, and I simply wanted to stop existing at that very minute.
How could she?
How could my own flesh and blood betray me so thoroughly? How many nights had I confided in my family about the abuse I suffered at Marcus's hands? How many times had she seen me demoralized at school by this bully? How could she have done such a thing?
I don't know how his story ended. I grabbed my bag and ran out of the cafeteria, hiding my streaming eyes as I ran blindly for the exit. Someone yelled at me in the hallway, but I didn't stop. I was outside far sooner than I thought I would be, and I heard a car horn blare as I dashed across the parking lot towards my car. I tossed my bag inside, no care given for the things inside, and was on the road before I quite knew what was happening.
My streaming eyes made it difficult to drive, but I knew I couldn't stay there a moment longer.
The emotions roiled inside me, and I felt like I might be sick as I drove the streets. There was rage bubbling inside me, an impotent rage that had been festering for years but had never been fully realized. I hated Marcus, but until that point, his actions had been those of a bully seeking a release. It was only then that I realized his intention to hurt. He wasn't content with just hurting me physically any more; he wanted to break me.
I didn't understand his animosity, and I never would.
I spent the rest of the day in my room, having a nervous breakdown. My friends didn't text me. No one texted me. As I lay there, waiting for just one person to reach out to me, I began to feel utterly alone. My anxiety was palpable as I lay in my bed and tried to gain control of myself. Had anyone even noticed I had left school? Of course, they had. They were just too embarrassed by my outburst to contact me. They didn't want to get caught up in the fallout of my shame. I wouldn't be welcome to sit with my friends anymore; I would be an outcast. My brain reminded me, almost absently, that I could kiss my bid for Student Council goodbye as well. No one would vote for me now; no one would waste their vote on a loser like me. The candidacy speech was tomorrow. How could I mount that stage with everyone whispering about me? How could I tell them how I would be their voice on the council with them all laughing at me behind their hands.
My mind raced, my pulse raced, and I lay in a ball of perpetual anxiety.
I must have fallen asleep at some point, my anxiety so bad that I had worn myself out because the next thing I knew, someone was knocking on my door.
"Hey spaz, why'd you leave school?"
My blood ran cold.
It was her.
My sister, Stephany, was never what you would call a joy. She was two years younger than me, a sophomore, but the two of us couldn't have been more different. My sister was the foil to my introverted nature. She was a social butterfly who flew in many circles and knew practically everyone. She was their perfect little girl to my parents. They were utterly unaware of her late-night carousing and extracurricular activities. To them, she was an angel, but to me, she was just a spoiled brat. She was needy to the point of annoyance, her needs turning to indifference when you needed something from her.
She had come now to see what could be gained from my suffering.
"Go away," I droned, not wanting to see her.
She came in instead.
"Heard Marcus spilled the beans about our night last night."
I turned towards the wall, ignoring her.
"It was just sex, it's not like we're dating or anything. He's cute, and I wanted to sleep with him."
I turned over angrily and glared at her.
"You slept with someone who has made my life a living hell since I was eight years old. Do you have any idea what that does to me? You've made me into a laughing stock! How can I go back to school and look Marcus in the eye knowing that he's been with my freaking sister!"
She smirked, not even having the decency to look ashamed.
"As if anyone but you cares. Get over yourself, it's my life, and I'll live it any way I want. For the record, he was great too." she added, the last barb before leaving.
My mother was furious when she came home from work.
Not at my sister, of course, she couldn't believe that people would spread such lies about her perfect little angel. She was furious at me. How could I leave school early? What was I thinking? Didn't I care about my future at all? Skipping classes and being truant was no way to live my life! The sermon went on and on as we sat around the dinner table. My sister was smug, of course, as I sat there being chastised, and Dad went right on eating blandly as though the world were just as it always was. To say that dad didn't care was an understatement. Dad simply didn't want to involve himself in what he called "women's work" and didn't worry his mind with matters concerning the children.
I had started shoveling my food down, barely tasting it, to escape the table and my mothers howling words.
With my plate clean, I asked to leave. She wasn't done yelling at me, but I told her that I needed to prepare for my speech tomorrow, which seemed to perk her up a little. She had known that I was running, hasn't they both told me how small a chance someone like me had of being elected, but as I kept at it, I think she realized how much I wanted this. She released me, threatening bodily harm if she ever heard of me leaving school again, and I was free to return to my room.
I spent the rest of the night in a state of anxious tension. A rainstorm rolled in around midnight, and I found myself tossing and turning in a ball of roiling emotions. I didn't dare go to school tomorrow. Marcus would be waiting there, all those people would know about my shame, and they would all laugh at me. I couldn't go back. I couldn't go back. I couldn't…
The lightning lit up the sky, and I started on my bed, looking at the window.
Had I seen something?
It was impossible; I was on the second story. There was no way I had seen something at my window. My anxiety was creeping up on me now, and it was making me see things, that was all. As the rain came down, I got up and moved closer to the window. The thunder boomed outside, and I crept towards the glass square like a rat trying to avoid detection. There was nothing there. Why was I so jumpy? There was nothing on the other side of the window but…
When the lightning flashed again, I screamed and fell onto the carpet.
Something was on the other side of the window. An inky face had been looking at me, and when it saw me looking, it had smiled. Its teeth had been Colgate white, a stark contrast to its midnight person, and I felt my breath hitching as I stared at the jet black window. The rain fell against it like angry stones, and I waited in terror for the next flash of lightning.
When it flashed, it was gone.
I curled into a ball on the floor, closing my eyes and trying to will myself to sleep, but all I could see was that gruesome face. I had seen it for the barest of seconds, but it was imposed on my memory perfectly. I lay on the floor as the lightning struck outside, too afraid to open my eyes, but too scared to sleep either. My anxiety and fear roiled inside me like a tempest, and I spent the rest of the night huddled on the floor, shuddering.
"Wake up!"
I must have dozed off sometime before the sun came up. My mother was standing over me, yelling and slapping at me as the sun shone merrily through my window. My mother was rousing me, telling me I was going to be late. I stirred groggily and went to my closet to get out the clothes I would wear for the speech today. I was too groggy for the anxiety to hit me all at once, but as I started getting dressed, I remembered the roiling pit of dread in my stomach and stopped with my slacks halfway up. I couldn't go to school. I'd have to face that mob; alone.
My mother came in with a cup of coffee and a plate of eggs, frowning as she saw me shaking and indecisive.
All of my excuses fell on deaf ears. I was not missing school today, no matter what was wrong, and that was that. She would take me and drop me off herself if that was what it took. I was not ruining my education because of something silly that had happened the day before. People would always be stupid, but I wasn't going to ruin my future for anything.
In the end, I took the coffee and left just to escape her venom.
As I drove, I honestly felt like I might be having a nervous breakdown. The coffee shook in my hand, and if mom hadn't put it in a to-go cup, I would have spilled it all over my pants on the ride to school. I looked up in time to see the light turn red, slamming on my breaks just a minute too late and getting a nasty look from a jogger running across the road. I tracked her dully with my eyes and jumped when she ran past an overhang near the deli. The coffee flew out of my hand and hit the passenger window, exploding in a caffeine puddle over the glass. The passengers looked at me, concerned, as the drops slid down the glass, but I was already running the red light and speeding towards school. My heart raced, and my stomach flipped over, my anxiety about the speech and the bully momentarily forgotten.
Under the awning, perched in the shadows, had been two of the oily black people that had appeared in my window the night before.
Their skin oozed with midnight clarity, but their smiles were wide and crazed.
As I drove, I thought I could see others, pairs and threesomes, and foursomes all watching me from the shadows of alleys and the dark respites of awnings and doorways. They were following me, they wanted me, but I did not want to be found by them. I had to remind myself not to speed, had to remind myself of stop signs and red lights. I did not want to be pulled over. I did not want to stop until I was somewhere with people and light and places to hide from them.
At that point, I would have welcomed the jeers of the schoolyard rabble.
I pulled into the parking lot just as the first bell rang.
The halls were packed, students making last-minute preparations and finishing their conversations around lockers, but when they recognized me, I heard a definite change in the tempo of conversation.
"Oh my god, isn't his sister the one who…"
"I feel bad for him, I don't know how he can come to school after…"
"Ah man, Marcus totally owned his ass yesterday. Told the whole school how he…"
"And he just ran, he ran away and…"
I walked fast, not stopping, not talking, just walking towards my homeroom amidst a gale of gossip. I heard someone laugh, but I didn't dare look. It sounded fake anyway, teasing laughter, more like the canned laughter on tv than real laughter. The hallways became a gauntlet, people staring, people laughing, and amongst them, I became sure that I could see the black creatures that had hounded me all the way here. They slipped among them, staying in the shadows, and whomever they touched seemed to laugh. I wanted to run, I could feel tears on the verge of breaking the surface, but I didn't want to draw more attention. The laughter was so snide, so fake, that I almost could stand it. It rattled against my nerves and made me want to scream.
I rounded a corner, still making for my homeroom, and bumped into someone and nearly fell over.
I threw my hands up defensively, almost certain that it would be one of those tar creatures with their smiling mouths, but it was Ms. Cunningham, the assistant principal. She looked put upon, her normally well-maintained pantsuit and lustrous black hair looking rumpled and out of place. I wondered if she too hadn't slept last night. She huffed when she realized who she had run into and tapped her foot impatiently.
"I was beginning to think you weren't coming today. Your speaking second, Marcus was on time, so he gets to go first, and it starts in five minutes, so I suggest you hurry."
She turned and started for the gymnasium.
I could hear that repulsive laughter behind me, heard it creeping up the corridor like a cancerous cloud, and sped off behind her, not wanting it to catch me.
The gym was packed. The entire senior class had assembled, any excuse to miss first period, and were murmuring quietly in the hard bleachers that had been pulled out for the occasion. As I came in, someone noticed me, and the whispered conversations began again. I heard some snickers, felt their stares, and knew that they knew my shame. My stomach was a roil of angry emotions, my brain was befuddled and unsure of what was real anymore. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, my whole life hanging by a fiber before entirely imploding.
I had no clue how much worse it could get.
"Bout time you showed up, Four Eyes," Marcus said, looking resplendent in a suit and tie that had clearly been tailored for him.
I didn't say anything.
My attention was on the crowd.
I could see the creatures amongst them, whispering and gnashing those perfect teeth against their ears. Some in the back had begun to chuckle, some had already started to laugh. Those further down were still engaged in their own conversation, unaware of what horrors lurked behind them. They just sat in their little peer circles, chatting and living their lives free of this overpowering stress surrounding me like a cloud.
How I envied them.
"Looking at all the votes you're not gonna get, Four Eyes?" Marcus asked, but I continued to ignore him.
As Ms. Cunningham mounted the stage, the laughter had already begun in the back.
She ignored it, opening the proceedings with a little speech before introducing Marcus to scattered applause. Marcus grinned at me, mouthing that I should "watch how it's done", before mounting the podium and starting his speech. He got straight to the point. Students wanted more free periods and fewer assemblies that served no purpose, more pep rallies and car washes, and less information about booster meetings and boring stuff. He said nothing, but he said it well, and he kept it short, so the students would remember it. The applause were scattered again, the laughter in the top row taking on that mechanical sound that made my sanity scream from the depths of my skull.
There were more of them now, the house lights dimming in the dark of the upper bleachers, and the darkness was spreading.
Ms. Cunningham had to call my name several times before I finally stood and made my way to the podium. Marcuses' grinning face welcomed me from the first row, smiling and inviting me to begin my pathetic speech. I had forgotten my papers, my meticulously crafted note cards, but it hardly mattered. I could no more have read them at this point than I could have spoken Russian. From the podium, I could see the black tar monsters crawling over the crowd, working their way down, and bringing an inky darkness with them.
"The student...the student body needs a ...needs a person who will represent them...represent their interests on the council. I feel that…" I heard a rattling of stuttered laughter, and it threw me off even worse, "I feel that I can...I can be…"
My eyes were as big as dinner plates.
They were smiling at me from within the crowd. Their too white teeth were horrifying, their teeth too large for their mouth. How did they contain all those teeth? How did they…
Ms. Cunningham was walking towards me, and I'm not sure if she was trying to save me from the shame of making a fool of myself on stage, or she was angry that I had wasted her time.
Regardless, she only got about halfway across the stage when she smirked and began chuckling.
I watched her, terror written across my face, as she doubled over and began to erupt in wracking gales of full-body laughter. There was laughter behind me too, the torpor becoming a single note of canned and emotionless chuckle as it spilled across throats that were no longer their own. I glanced to the side and saw Marcus doubling up, his fingers dragging over his eyes and cheeks and leaving bloody trails behind. The mob was laughing, their laughter dead and uniform, and I felt my sanity unraveling a strand at a time as I backed away from the crowd.
My foot found open-air, and I felt the wind knocked out of me as I fell from the stage.
Ms. Cunningham was tearing at her clothes as she laughed her life away.
I scooted backward, getting my feet under me and running as that terrible laughter chased me.
It was the kind of laughter you hear bubbling from the windows of an insane asylum.
It's the kind of laughter you hear in Hell.
I ran then, ran until I found a door and barreled through it as the maniac drone chased after me.
I ran until the school doors opened before me, and I was out on the quad, my sneakers making for home.
I ran, the pavement the most substantial thing I had felt all day until I found myself on the porch of my own house.
I banged on the door until my mother opened it, confusion and anger stamped big across her face.
Then I collapsed and didn't come back to reality for the next three days.
When I did, I was in the hospital.
That's where I got the whole story from my bleary-eyed mother, who hadn't left my bedside the entire time I had been here.
Everyone in the gym was dead. The police were calling it a gas leak, and the whole city was mourning the loss of so many young people. The doors had been wedged shut, all but the one I had burst out of. School officials had found everyone inside dead from hyperventilation, including Ms. Cunningham. Some had tried to claw their eyes out, had peeled their faces open, but all had succumbed to this terrible tragedy.
I said nothing. My sister came to visit, apologizing for the way she had hurt me and extremely thankful I had been late that day. My mother was the doting woman I had always wanted. She and my sister were never far from my side, and their attention quickly became claustrophobic, but I soaked it in as long as it lasted.
I would never tell anyone about what had happened that day.
They all assumed that my lateness had led to my safety, and they would never have believed me if I told them the truth.
That was nine years ago. I live on my own now, apartment, girlfriend, mediocre job, the whole experience.
My mom and sister still call to check on me often, my dad his same old ambivalent self, and it's heart heartwarming to have their love after years of feeling like an outcast in my own home.
I felt I had gotten over the event. I felt that it was in my past that I don't often talk about it outside of therapy, and I like to think that it may make me stronger for having lived through it. My girlfriend knows nothing about it, of course. She knows I had something traumatic happen in my past, but she knows I've moved on, and the less I say about it, the better it is for my mental health.
At least, I had gotten over it.
Yesterday I received a letter in the mail.
A letter from my old highschool.
A letter for a Highschool Reunion.
It looked like a postcard, glossy picture on the front, and words on the back, with the banner proclaiming "Welcome Back class of 2010". The front was a picture of the gym as it had been on the day of the event. On the floor was gathered the smiling creatures as they waved and grinned their eternal grins. On the back was written three words that send chills down my spine even now.
"See You Soon."
submitted by Erutious to SignalHorrorFiction [link] [comments]


2020.09.09 19:17 Erutious When Everyone Knows

"Hey, Four Eyes," Marcus yelled, and I winced as I heard his sneakers smacking the linoleum.
Marcus and I were far from friends. I've known Marcus since my family moved here when I was eight. My first interaction with him was on the playground on my first day of school. Marcus and his small band of cronies wandered up to me as I sat in the sandbox, clearly drawn over by the new kid, and made the dynamic of our future relationship clear right away. I had sand kicked in my face, a sneaker pressed to my chest, and before I knew it, I was on my back in the sandbox as Marcus informed me that he would be collecting my lunch money from now on, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.
As I lay there, staring up at him, without a teacher in sight to help me, I knew at eight what it was to be truly helpless.
For the next eight years, I brought my lunch.
For the next eight years, he took this as a personal challenge to make my life a living hell.
My lunches were stolen, my glasses were broken, my things were vandalized, and my friends and I were tormented by the ever-present shadow of Marcus Highens. I did make friends, of course, but many people avoided me simply because I had elicited the ire of Marcus. He was a constant presence in my life, always there, always looming, always waiting for his next opportunity to show me what I was; his constant victim. I never owned anything that he didn't try to destroy or take away from me. I never liked a girl that he didn't immediately woo and dump in a semester. Marcus made it his business to have anything I wanted, but couldn't afford so he could rub it in my face. I kept hoping, just as mother had always taught me, that karma would catch up with him, and his actions would be punished by that ever-present force of cosmic justice. It seemed, however, that karma was not on my side.
As we grew, Marcus became the darling of whatever school he attended, and I became known as a bit of weirdo. I was a quiet kid, I liked to write, my grades were fine, but I was an introvert and didn't like to show off in class. Marcus, on the other hand, was known and loved by all. I quickly learned that this was how he got away with his bullying. Marcus was large, imposing, but he had a way about him that endeared him to adults. I would never admit it to him, but he was also smart. He never had trouble with grades, never had to study for tests, and seemed to succeed with only minimal effort. He played sports through school and thrived on the field even as he did in the classroom. By the time we were seniors, he had a football scholarship that would let him get into nearly any school he wanted. He was the typical all American student, and the world was his oyster.
I hated him, especially after this year.
I had spent three years with one goal in mind, having a seat on the student council in my senior year. It would look great on my college transcripts, alongside my volunteer work and debate team presence, and I actually thought that I could make a difference for some of the unheard students at the school. On a deeper level, I realized it might also bring me out of my shell and change me a little before leaving this whole experience behind and going to college. I had lived my life as an introvert, not really wanting to know anyone outside my circle of friends. Senior year was my last chance to really experience what would become the "best years of my life," or so they said. Maybe putting myself out there could change me a little, perhaps even for the better.
I had such high hopes back then.
I had campaigned, talked to my fellow students, and felt that I had my finger on the pulse of what they wanted in a councilman. I seemed a shoo-in for the empty seat. That was until Marcus realized how much I wanted it. Suddenly, he joined the race. Suddenly, his flyers were in every hall, his posters plastered over mine, his talking points very similar to mine, and his goal seemed to be to take one more thing that I wanted. He had been trying and failing to throw me off my game for weeks, trying to get in my head and make me drop out of the election before the upcoming candidacy speech before the student body voted for their representative.
As he approached, I wondered if he had found the toe hold he needed.
I closed my laptop as he came to stand over me, not wanting it broken if he was in a breaking mood. His face was possessed of that mixture of wicked glee and childish meanness. He looked like a kid on his way to pull wings off a butterfly, and I guess he was. I had been his caged bug for years and today was just another chance to practice his sadistic craft on me. He came alone, but I could see several letterman jackets hovering nearby, watching the show. I was nowhere near as muscular as him, being on the scrawny side, but that hardly mattered to him.
Marcus never fought fair if he could help it.
"Guess what I did last night?" he shouted, glancing around to see who was watching.
My friends sitting around the lunch table, immersed in a game of Magic the Gathering, looked up like startled animals around a watering hole.
A predator had arrived, and they wanted to know when the best time to start running was.
"I don't know, Marcus. Something fulfilling and meaningful, but I doubt it." I said without much interest.
Marcus barked out a sarcastic little laugh, "You'd be right there, Four Eyes."
He never used my name; it was always Four Eyes, and always in tones of the deepest scorn.
"I was at a rager last night when I met this fine-looking piece of tail and took her upstairs for a few hours. God, she screamed so loud I thought the cops were going to come."
"If you're looking for a high five, I think your boys are hovering somewhere around here," I said, already uninterested in this conversation.
I had no idea that his trap had teeth, but he was about to show me just how deep they cut.
"I just thought I'd let you know what a good lay your sister was, four eyes. She screamed my name again and again as I had her."
The whole cafeteria was paying attention now. I glanced at my friends and saw that their game was forgotten as Marcus laid out his nights activities for me in intimate detail. My face reddened, the snickers already beginning, as he loudly proclaimed his activities for all to hear. I was shocked, I was incapable of reacting, and I simply wanted to stop existing at that very minute.
How could she?
How could my own flesh and blood betray me so thoroughly? How many nights had I confided in my family about the abuse I suffered at Marcus's hands? How many times had she seen me demoralized at school by this bully? How could she have done such a thing?
I don't know how his story ended. I grabbed my bag and ran out of the cafeteria, hiding my streaming eyes as I ran blindly for the exit. Someone yelled at me in the hallway, but I didn't stop. I was outside far sooner than I thought I would be, and I heard a car horn blare as I dashed across the parking lot towards my car. I tossed my bag inside, no care given for the things inside, and was on the road before I quite knew what was happening.
My streaming eyes made it difficult to drive, but I knew I couldn't stay there a moment longer.
The emotions roiled inside me, and I felt like I might be sick as I drove the streets. There was rage bubbling inside me, an impotent rage that had been festering for years but had never been fully realized. I hated Marcus, but until that point, his actions had been those of a bully seeking a release. It was only then that I realized his intention to hurt. He wasn't content with just hurting me physically any more; he wanted to break me.
I didn't understand his animosity, and I never would.
I spent the rest of the day in my room, having a nervous breakdown. My friends didn't text me. No one texted me. As I lay there, waiting for just one person to reach out to me, I began to feel utterly alone. My anxiety was palpable as I lay in my bed and tried to gain control of myself. Had anyone even noticed I had left school? Of course, they had. They were just too embarrassed by my outburst to contact me. They didn't want to get caught up in the fallout of my shame. I wouldn't be welcome to sit with my friends anymore; I would be an outcast. My brain reminded me, almost absently, that I could kiss my bid for Student Council goodbye as well. No one would vote for me now; no one would waste their vote on a loser like me. The candidacy speech was tomorrow. How could I mount that stage with everyone whispering about me? How could I tell them how I would be their voice on the council with them all laughing at me behind their hands.
My mind raced, my pulse raced, and I lay in a ball of perpetual anxiety.
I must have fallen asleep at some point, my anxiety so bad that I had worn myself out because the next thing I knew, someone was knocking on my door.
"Hey spaz, why'd you leave school?"
My blood ran cold.
It was her.
My sister, Stephany, was never what you would call a joy. She was two years younger than me, a sophomore, but the two of us couldn't have been more different. My sister was the foil to my introverted nature. She was a social butterfly who flew in many circles and knew practically everyone. She was their perfect little girl to my parents. They were utterly unaware of her late-night carousing and extracurricular activities. To them, she was an angel, but to me, she was just a spoiled brat. She was needy to the point of annoyance, her needs turning to indifference when you needed something from her.
She had come now to see what could be gained from my suffering.
"Go away," I droned, not wanting to see her.
She came in instead.
"Heard Marcus spilled the beans about our night last night."
I turned towards the wall, ignoring her.
"It was just sex, it's not like we're dating or anything. He's cute, and I wanted to sleep with him."
I turned over angrily and glared at her.
"You slept with someone who has made my life a living hell since I was eight years old. Do you have any idea what that does to me? You've made me into a laughing stock! How can I go back to school and look Marcus in the eye knowing that he's been with my freaking sister!"
She smirked, not even having the decency to look ashamed.
"As if anyone but you cares. Get over yourself, it's my life, and I'll live it any way I want. For the record, he was great too." she added, the last barb before leaving.
My mother was furious when she came home from work.
Not at my sister, of course, she couldn't believe that people would spread such lies about her perfect little angel. She was furious at me. How could I leave school early? What was I thinking? Didn't I care about my future at all? Skipping classes and being truant was no way to live my life! The sermon went on and on as we sat around the dinner table. My sister was smug, of course, as I sat there being chastised, and Dad went right on eating blandly as though the world were just as it always was. To say that dad didn't care was an understatement. Dad simply didn't want to involve himself in what he called "women's work" and didn't worry his mind with matters concerning the children.
I had started shoveling my food down, barely tasting it, to escape the table and my mothers howling words.
With my plate clean, I asked to leave. She wasn't done yelling at me, but I told her that I needed to prepare for my speech tomorrow, which seemed to perk her up a little. She had known that I was running, hasn't they both told me how small a chance someone like me had of being elected, but as I kept at it, I think she realized how much I wanted this. She released me, threatening bodily harm if she ever heard of me leaving school again, and I was free to return to my room.
I spent the rest of the night in a state of anxious tension. A rainstorm rolled in around midnight, and I found myself tossing and turning in a ball of roiling emotions. I didn't dare go to school tomorrow. Marcus would be waiting there, all those people would know about my shame, and they would all laugh at me. I couldn't go back. I couldn't go back. I couldn't…
The lightning lit up the sky, and I started on my bed, looking at the window.
Had I seen something?
It was impossible; I was on the second story. There was no way I had seen something at my window. My anxiety was creeping up on me now, and it was making me see things, that was all. As the rain came down, I got up and moved closer to the window. The thunder boomed outside, and I crept towards the glass square like a rat trying to avoid detection. There was nothing there. Why was I so jumpy? There was nothing on the other side of the window but…
When the lightning flashed again, I screamed and fell onto the carpet.
Something was on the other side of the window. An inky face had been looking at me, and when it saw me looking, it had smiled. Its teeth had been Colgate white, a stark contrast to its midnight person, and I felt my breath hitching as I stared at the jet black window. The rain fell against it like angry stones, and I waited in terror for the next flash of lightning.
When it flashed, it was gone.
I curled into a ball on the floor, closing my eyes and trying to will myself to sleep, but all I could see was that gruesome face. I had seen it for the barest of seconds, but it was imposed on my memory perfectly. I lay on the floor as the lightning struck outside, too afraid to open my eyes, but too scared to sleep either. My anxiety and fear roiled inside me like a tempest, and I spent the rest of the night huddled on the floor, shuddering.
"Wake up!"
I must have dozed off sometime before the sun came up. My mother was standing over me, yelling and slapping at me as the sun shone merrily through my window. My mother was rousing me, telling me I was going to be late. I stirred groggily and went to my closet to get out the clothes I would wear for the speech today. I was too groggy for the anxiety to hit me all at once, but as I started getting dressed, I remembered the roiling pit of dread in my stomach and stopped with my slacks halfway up. I couldn't go to school. I'd have to face that mob; alone.
My mother came in with a cup of coffee and a plate of eggs, frowning as she saw me shaking and indecisive.
All of my excuses fell on deaf ears. I was not missing school today, no matter what was wrong, and that was that. She would take me and drop me off herself if that was what it took. I was not ruining my education because of something silly that had happened the day before. People would always be stupid, but I wasn't going to ruin my future for anything.
In the end, I took the coffee and left just to escape her venom.
As I drove, I honestly felt like I might be having a nervous breakdown. The coffee shook in my hand, and if mom hadn't put it in a to-go cup, I would have spilled it all over my pants on the ride to school. I looked up in time to see the light turn red, slamming on my breaks just a minute too late and getting a nasty look from a jogger running across the road. I tracked her dully with my eyes and jumped when she ran past an overhang near the deli. The coffee flew out of my hand and hit the passenger window, exploding in a caffeine puddle over the glass. The passengers looked at me, concerned, as the drops slid down the glass, but I was already running the red light and speeding towards school. My heart raced, and my stomach flipped over, my anxiety about the speech and the bully momentarily forgotten.
Under the awning, perched in the shadows, had been two of the oily black people that had appeared in my window the night before.
Their skin oozed with midnight clarity, but their smiles were wide and crazed.
As I drove, I thought I could see others, pairs and threesomes, and foursomes all watching me from the shadows of alleys and the dark respites of awnings and doorways. They were following me, they wanted me, but I did not want to be found by them. I had to remind myself not to speed, had to remind myself of stop signs and red lights. I did not want to be pulled over. I did not want to stop until I was somewhere with people and light and places to hide from them.
At that point, I would have welcomed the jeers of the schoolyard rabble.
I pulled into the parking lot just as the first bell rang.
The halls were packed, students making last-minute preparations and finishing their conversations around lockers, but when they recognized me, I heard a definite change in the tempo of conversation.
"Oh my god, isn't his sister the one who…"
"I feel bad for him, I don't know how he can come to school after…"
"Ah man, Marcus totally owned his ass yesterday. Told the whole school how he…"
"And he just ran, he ran away and…"
I walked fast, not stopping, not talking, just walking towards my homeroom amidst a gale of gossip. I heard someone laugh, but I didn't dare look. It sounded fake anyway, teasing laughter, more like the canned laughter on tv than real laughter. The hallways became a gauntlet, people staring, people laughing, and amongst them, I became sure that I could see the black creatures that had hounded me all the way here. They slipped among them, staying in the shadows, and whomever they touched seemed to laugh. I wanted to run, I could feel tears on the verge of breaking the surface, but I didn't want to draw more attention. The laughter was so snide, so fake, that I almost could stand it. It rattled against my nerves and made me want to scream.
I rounded a corner, still making for my homeroom, and bumped into someone and nearly fell over.
I threw my hands up defensively, almost certain that it would be one of those tar creatures with their smiling mouths, but it was Ms. Cunningham, the assistant principal. She looked put upon, her normally well-maintained pantsuit and lustrous black hair looking rumpled and out of place. I wondered if she too hadn't slept last night. She huffed when she realized who she had run into and tapped her foot impatiently.
"I was beginning to think you weren't coming today. Your speaking second, Marcus was on time, so he gets to go first, and it starts in five minutes, so I suggest you hurry."
She turned and started for the gymnasium.
I could hear that repulsive laughter behind me, heard it creeping up the corridor like a cancerous cloud, and sped off behind her, not wanting it to catch me.
The gym was packed. The entire senior class had assembled, any excuse to miss first period, and were murmuring quietly in the hard bleachers that had been pulled out for the occasion. As I came in, someone noticed me, and the whispered conversations began again. I heard some snickers, felt their stares, and knew that they knew my shame. My stomach was a roil of angry emotions, my brain was befuddled and unsure of what was real anymore. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, my whole life hanging by a fiber before entirely imploding.
I had no clue how much worse it could get.
"Bout time you showed up, Four Eyes," Marcus said, looking resplendent in a suit and tie that had clearly been tailored for him.
I didn't say anything.
My attention was on the crowd.
I could see the creatures amongst them, whispering and gnashing those perfect teeth against their ears. Some in the back had begun to chuckle, some had already started to laugh. Those further down were still engaged in their own conversation, unaware of what horrors lurked behind them. They just sat in their little peer circles, chatting and living their lives free of this overpowering stress surrounding me like a cloud.
How I envied them.
"Looking at all the votes you're not gonna get, Four Eyes?" Marcus asked, but I continued to ignore him.
As Ms. Cunningham mounted the stage, the laughter had already begun in the back.
She ignored it, opening the proceedings with a little speech before introducing Marcus to scattered applause. Marcus grinned at me, mouthing that I should "watch how it's done", before mounting the podium and starting his speech. He got straight to the point. Students wanted more free periods and fewer assemblies that served no purpose, more pep rallies and car washes, and less information about booster meetings and boring stuff. He said nothing, but he said it well, and he kept it short, so the students would remember it. The applause were scattered again, the laughter in the top row taking on that mechanical sound that made my sanity scream from the depths of my skull.
There were more of them now, the house lights dimming in the dark of the upper bleachers, and the darkness was spreading.
Ms. Cunningham had to call my name several times before I finally stood and made my way to the podium. Marcuses' grinning face welcomed me from the first row, smiling and inviting me to begin my pathetic speech. I had forgotten my papers, my meticulously crafted note cards, but it hardly mattered. I could no more have read them at this point than I could have spoken Russian. From the podium, I could see the black tar monsters crawling over the crowd, working their way down, and bringing an inky darkness with them.
"The student...the student body needs a ...needs a person who will represent them...represent their interests on the council. I feel that…" I heard a rattling of stuttered laughter, and it threw me off even worse, "I feel that I can...I can be…"
My eyes were as big as dinner plates.
They were smiling at me from within the crowd. Their too white teeth were horrifying, their teeth too large for their mouth. How did they contain all those teeth? How did they…
Ms. Cunningham was walking towards me, and I'm not sure if she was trying to save me from the shame of making a fool of myself on stage, or she was angry that I had wasted her time.
Regardless, she only got about halfway across the stage when she smirked and began chuckling.
I watched her, terror written across my face, as she doubled over and began to erupt in wracking gales of full-body laughter. There was laughter behind me too, the torpor becoming a single note of canned and emotionless chuckle as it spilled across throats that were no longer their own. I glanced to the side and saw Marcus doubling up, his fingers dragging over his eyes and cheeks and leaving bloody trails behind. The mob was laughing, their laughter dead and uniform, and I felt my sanity unraveling a strand at a time as I backed away from the crowd.
My foot found open-air, and I felt the wind knocked out of me as I fell from the stage.
Ms. Cunningham was tearing at her clothes as she laughed her life away.
I scooted backward, getting my feet under me and running as that terrible laughter chased me.
It was the kind of laughter you hear bubbling from the windows of an insane asylum.
It's the kind of laughter you hear in Hell.
I ran then, ran until I found a door and barreled through it as the maniac drone chased after me.
I ran until the school doors opened before me, and I was out on the quad, my sneakers making for home.
I ran, the pavement the most substantial thing I had felt all day until I found myself on the porch of my own house.
I banged on the door until my mother opened it, confusion and anger stamped big across her face.
Then I collapsed and didn't come back to reality for the next three days.
When I did, I was in the hospital.
That's where I got the whole story from my bleary-eyed mother, who hadn't left my bedside the entire time I had been here.
Everyone in the gym was dead. The police were calling it a gas leak, and the whole city was mourning the loss of so many young people. The doors had been wedged shut, all but the one I had burst out of. School officials had found everyone inside dead from hyperventilation, including Ms. Cunningham. Some had tried to claw their eyes out, had peeled their faces open, but all had succumbed to this terrible tragedy.
I said nothing. My sister came to visit, apologizing for the way she had hurt me and extremely thankful I had been late that day. My mother was the doting woman I had always wanted. She and my sister were never far from my side, and their attention quickly became claustrophobic, but I soaked it in as long as it lasted.
I would never tell anyone about what had happened that day.
They all assumed that my lateness had led to my safety, and they would never have believed me if I told them the truth.
That was nine years ago. I live on my own now, apartment, girlfriend, mediocre job, the whole experience.
My mom and sister still call to check on me often, my dad his same old ambivalent self, and it's heart heartwarming to have their love after years of feeling like an outcast in my own home.
I felt I had gotten over the event. I felt that it was in my past that I don't often talk about it outside of therapy, and I like to think that it may make me stronger for having lived through it. My girlfriend knows nothing about it, of course. She knows I had something traumatic happen in my past, but she knows I've moved on, and the less I say about it, the better it is for my mental health.
At least, I had gotten over it.
Yesterday I received a letter in the mail.
A letter from my old highschool.
A letter for a Highschool Reunion.
It looked like a postcard, glossy picture on the front, and words on the back, with the banner proclaiming "Welcome Back class of 2010". The front was a picture of the gym as it had been on the day of the event. On the floor was gathered the smiling creatures as they waved and grinned their eternal grins. On the back was written three words that send chills down my spine even now.
"See You Soon."
submitted by Erutious to nosleep [link] [comments]


2020.09.09 19:15 Erutious When Everyone Knows

"Hey, Four Eyes," Marcus yelled, and I winced as I heard his sneakers smacking the linoleum.
Marcus and I were far from friends. I've known Marcus since my family moved here when I was eight. My first interaction with him was on the playground on my first day of school. Marcus and his small band of cronies wandered up to me as I sat in the sandbox, clearly drawn over by the new kid, and made the dynamic of our future relationship clear right away. I had sand kicked in my face, a sneaker pressed to my chest, and before I knew it, I was on my back in the sandbox as Marcus informed me that he would be collecting my lunch money from now on, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.
As I lay there, staring up at him, without a teacher in sight to help me, I knew at eight what it was to be truly helpless.
For the next eight years, I brought my lunch.
For the next eight years, he took this as a personal challenge to make my life a living hell.
My lunches were stolen, my glasses were broken, my things were vandalized, and my friends and I were tormented by the ever-present shadow of Marcus Highens. I did make friends, of course, but many people avoided me simply because I had elicited the ire of Marcus. He was a constant presence in my life, always there, always looming, always waiting for his next opportunity to show me what I was; his constant victim. I never owned anything that he didn't try to destroy or take away from me. I never liked a girl that he didn't immediately woo and dump in a semester. Marcus made it his business to have anything I wanted, but couldn't afford so he could rub it in my face. I kept hoping, just as mother had always taught me, that karma would catch up with him, and his actions would be punished by that ever-present force of cosmic justice. It seemed, however, that karma was not on my side.
As we grew, Marcus became the darling of whatever school he attended, and I became known as a bit of weirdo. I was a quiet kid, I liked to write, my grades were fine, but I was an introvert and didn't like to show off in class. Marcus, on the other hand, was known and loved by all. I quickly learned that this was how he got away with his bullying. Marcus was large, imposing, but he had a way about him that endeared him to adults. I would never admit it to him, but he was also smart. He never had trouble with grades, never had to study for tests, and seemed to succeed with only minimal effort. He played sports through school and thrived on the field even as he did in the classroom. By the time we were seniors, he had a football scholarship that would let him get into nearly any school he wanted. He was the typical all American student, and the world was his oyster.
I hated him, especially after this year.
I had spent three years with one goal in mind, having a seat on the student council in my senior year. It would look great on my college transcripts, alongside my volunteer work and debate team presence, and I actually thought that I could make a difference for some of the unheard students at the school. On a deeper level, I realized it might also bring me out of my shell and change me a little before leaving this whole experience behind and going to college. I had lived my life as an introvert, not really wanting to know anyone outside my circle of friends. Senior year was my last chance to really experience what would become the "best years of my life," or so they said. Maybe putting myself out there could change me a little, perhaps even for the better.
I had such high hopes back then.
I had campaigned, talked to my fellow students, and felt that I had my finger on the pulse of what they wanted in a councilman. I seemed a shoo-in for the empty seat. That was until Marcus realized how much I wanted it. Suddenly, he joined the race. Suddenly, his flyers were in every hall, his posters plastered over mine, his talking points very similar to mine, and his goal seemed to be to take one more thing that I wanted. He had been trying and failing to throw me off my game for weeks, trying to get in my head and make me drop out of the election before the upcoming candidacy speech before the student body voted for their representative.
As he approached, I wondered if he had found the toe hold he needed.
I closed my laptop as he came to stand over me, not wanting it broken if he was in a breaking mood. His face was possessed of that mixture of wicked glee and childish meanness. He looked like a kid on his way to pull wings off a butterfly, and I guess he was. I had been his caged bug for years and today was just another chance to practice his sadistic craft on me. He came alone, but I could see several letterman jackets hovering nearby, watching the show. I was nowhere near as muscular as him, being on the scrawny side, but that hardly mattered to him.
Marcus never fought fair if he could help it.
"Guess what I did last night?" he shouted, glancing around to see who was watching.
My friends sitting around the lunch table, immersed in a game of Magic the Gathering, looked up like startled animals around a watering hole.
A predator had arrived, and they wanted to know when the best time to start running was.
"I don't know, Marcus. Something fulfilling and meaningful, but I doubt it." I said without much interest.
Marcus barked out a sarcastic little laugh, "You'd be right there, Four Eyes."
He never used my name; it was always Four Eyes, and always in tones of the deepest scorn.
"I was at a rager last night when I met this fine-looking piece of tail and took her upstairs for a few hours. God, she screamed so loud I thought the cops were going to come."
"If you're looking for a high five, I think your boys are hovering somewhere around here," I said, already uninterested in this conversation.
I had no idea that his trap had teeth, but he was about to show me just how deep they cut.
"I just thought I'd let you know what a good lay your sister was, four eyes. She screamed my name again and again as I had her."
The whole cafeteria was paying attention now. I glanced at my friends and saw that their game was forgotten as Marcus laid out his nights activities for me in intimate detail. My face reddened, the snickers already beginning, as he loudly proclaimed his activities for all to hear. I was shocked, I was incapable of reacting, and I simply wanted to stop existing at that very minute.
How could she?
How could my own flesh and blood betray me so thoroughly? How many nights had I confided in my family about the abuse I suffered at Marcus's hands? How many times had she seen me demoralized at school by this bully? How could she have done such a thing?
I don't know how his story ended. I grabbed my bag and ran out of the cafeteria, hiding my streaming eyes as I ran blindly for the exit. Someone yelled at me in the hallway, but I didn't stop. I was outside far sooner than I thought I would be, and I heard a car horn blare as I dashed across the parking lot towards my car. I tossed my bag inside, no care given for the things inside, and was on the road before I quite knew what was happening.
My streaming eyes made it difficult to drive, but I knew I couldn't stay there a moment longer.
The emotions roiled inside me, and I felt like I might be sick as I drove the streets. There was rage bubbling inside me, an impotent rage that had been festering for years but had never been fully realized. I hated Marcus, but until that point, his actions had been those of a bully seeking a release. It was only then that I realized his intention to hurt. He wasn't content with just hurting me physically any more; he wanted to break me.
I didn't understand his animosity, and I never would.
I spent the rest of the day in my room, having a nervous breakdown. My friends didn't text me. No one texted me. As I lay there, waiting for just one person to reach out to me, I began to feel utterly alone. My anxiety was palpable as I lay in my bed and tried to gain control of myself. Had anyone even noticed I had left school? Of course, they had. They were just too embarrassed by my outburst to contact me. They didn't want to get caught up in the fallout of my shame. I wouldn't be welcome to sit with my friends anymore; I would be an outcast. My brain reminded me, almost absently, that I could kiss my bid for Student Council goodbye as well. No one would vote for me now; no one would waste their vote on a loser like me. The candidacy speech was tomorrow. How could I mount that stage with everyone whispering about me? How could I tell them how I would be their voice on the council with them all laughing at me behind their hands.
My mind raced, my pulse raced, and I lay in a ball of perpetual anxiety.
I must have fallen asleep at some point, my anxiety so bad that I had worn myself out because the next thing I knew, someone was knocking on my door.
"Hey spaz, why'd you leave school?"
My blood ran cold.
It was her.
My sister, Stephany, was never what you would call a joy. She was two years younger than me, a sophomore, but the two of us couldn't have been more different. My sister was the foil to my introverted nature. She was a social butterfly who flew in many circles and knew practically everyone. She was their perfect little girl to my parents. They were utterly unaware of her late-night carousing and extracurricular activities. To them, she was an angel, but to me, she was just a spoiled brat. She was needy to the point of annoyance, her needs turning to indifference when you needed something from her.
She had come now to see what could be gained from my suffering.
"Go away," I droned, not wanting to see her.
She came in instead.
"Heard Marcus spilled the beans about our night last night."
I turned towards the wall, ignoring her.
"It was just sex, it's not like we're dating or anything. He's cute, and I wanted to sleep with him."
I turned over angrily and glared at her.
"You slept with someone who has made my life a living hell since I was eight years old. Do you have any idea what that does to me? You've made me into a laughing stock! How can I go back to school and look Marcus in the eye knowing that he's been with my freaking sister!"
She smirked, not even having the decency to look ashamed.
"As if anyone but you cares. Get over yourself, it's my life, and I'll live it any way I want. For the record, he was great too." she added, the last barb before leaving.
My mother was furious when she came home from work.
Not at my sister, of course, she couldn't believe that people would spread such lies about her perfect little angel. She was furious at me. How could I leave school early? What was I thinking? Didn't I care about my future at all? Skipping classes and being truant was no way to live my life! The sermon went on and on as we sat around the dinner table. My sister was smug, of course, as I sat there being chastised, and Dad went right on eating blandly as though the world were just as it always was. To say that dad didn't care was an understatement. Dad simply didn't want to involve himself in what he called "women's work" and didn't worry his mind with matters concerning the children.
I had started shoveling my food down, barely tasting it, to escape the table and my mothers howling words.
With my plate clean, I asked to leave. She wasn't done yelling at me, but I told her that I needed to prepare for my speech tomorrow, which seemed to perk her up a little. She had known that I was running, hasn't they both told me how small a chance someone like me had of being elected, but as I kept at it, I think she realized how much I wanted this. She released me, threatening bodily harm if she ever heard of me leaving school again, and I was free to return to my room.
I spent the rest of the night in a state of anxious tension. A rainstorm rolled in around midnight, and I found myself tossing and turning in a ball of roiling emotions. I didn't dare go to school tomorrow. Marcus would be waiting there, all those people would know about my shame, and they would all laugh at me. I couldn't go back. I couldn't go back. I couldn't…
The lightning lit up the sky, and I started on my bed, looking at the window.
Had I seen something?
It was impossible; I was on the second story. There was no way I had seen something at my window. My anxiety was creeping up on me now, and it was making me see things, that was all. As the rain came down, I got up and moved closer to the window. The thunder boomed outside, and I crept towards the glass square like a rat trying to avoid detection. There was nothing there. Why was I so jumpy? There was nothing on the other side of the window but…
When the lightning flashed again, I screamed and fell onto the carpet.
Something was on the other side of the window. An inky face had been looking at me, and when it saw me looking, it had smiled. Its teeth had been Colgate white, a stark contrast to its midnight person, and I felt my breath hitching as I stared at the jet black window. The rain fell against it like angry stones, and I waited in terror for the next flash of lightning.
When it flashed, it was gone.
I curled into a ball on the floor, closing my eyes and trying to will myself to sleep, but all I could see was that gruesome face. I had seen it for the barest of seconds, but it was imposed on my memory perfectly. I lay on the floor as the lightning struck outside, too afraid to open my eyes, but too scared to sleep either. My anxiety and fear roiled inside me like a tempest, and I spent the rest of the night huddled on the floor, shuddering.
"Wake up!"
I must have dozed off sometime before the sun came up. My mother was standing over me, yelling and slapping at me as the sun shone merrily through my window. My mother was rousing me, telling me I was going to be late. I stirred groggily and went to my closet to get out the clothes I would wear for the speech today. I was too groggy for the anxiety to hit me all at once, but as I started getting dressed, I remembered the roiling pit of dread in my stomach and stopped with my slacks halfway up. I couldn't go to school. I'd have to face that mob; alone.
My mother came in with a cup of coffee and a plate of eggs, frowning as she saw me shaking and indecisive.
All of my excuses fell on deaf ears. I was not missing school today, no matter what was wrong, and that was that. She would take me and drop me off herself if that was what it took. I was not ruining my education because of something silly that had happened the day before. People would always be stupid, but I wasn't going to ruin my future for anything.
In the end, I took the coffee and left just to escape her venom.
As I drove, I honestly felt like I might be having a nervous breakdown. The coffee shook in my hand, and if mom hadn't put it in a to-go cup, I would have spilled it all over my pants on the ride to school. I looked up in time to see the light turn red, slamming on my breaks just a minute too late and getting a nasty look from a jogger running across the road. I tracked her dully with my eyes and jumped when she ran past an overhang near the deli. The coffee flew out of my hand and hit the passenger window, exploding in a caffeine puddle over the glass. The passengers looked at me, concerned, as the drops slid down the glass, but I was already running the red light and speeding towards school. My heart raced, and my stomach flipped over, my anxiety about the speech and the bully momentarily forgotten.
Under the awning, perched in the shadows, had been two of the oily black people that had appeared in my window the night before.
Their skin oozed with midnight clarity, but their smiles were wide and crazed.
As I drove, I thought I could see others, pairs and threesomes, and foursomes all watching me from the shadows of alleys and the dark respites of awnings and doorways. They were following me, they wanted me, but I did not want to be found by them. I had to remind myself not to speed, had to remind myself of stop signs and red lights. I did not want to be pulled over. I did not want to stop until I was somewhere with people and light and places to hide from them.
At that point, I would have welcomed the jeers of the schoolyard rabble.
I pulled into the parking lot just as the first bell rang.
The halls were packed, students making last-minute preparations and finishing their conversations around lockers, but when they recognized me, I heard a definite change in the tempo of conversation.
"Oh my god, isn't his sister the one who…"
"I feel bad for him, I don't know how he can come to school after…"
"Ah man, Marcus totally owned his ass yesterday. Told the whole school how he…"
"And he just ran, he ran away and…"
I walked fast, not stopping, not talking, just walking towards my homeroom amidst a gale of gossip. I heard someone laugh, but I didn't dare look. It sounded fake anyway, teasing laughter, more like the canned laughter on tv than real laughter. The hallways became a gauntlet, people staring, people laughing, and amongst them, I became sure that I could see the black creatures that had hounded me all the way here. They slipped among them, staying in the shadows, and whomever they touched seemed to laugh. I wanted to run, I could feel tears on the verge of breaking the surface, but I didn't want to draw more attention. The laughter was so snide, so fake, that I almost could stand it. It rattled against my nerves and made me want to scream.
I rounded a corner, still making for my homeroom, and bumped into someone and nearly fell over.
I threw my hands up defensively, almost certain that it would be one of those tar creatures with their smiling mouths, but it was Ms. Cunningham, the assistant principal. She looked put upon, her normally well-maintained pantsuit and lustrous black hair looking rumpled and out of place. I wondered if she too hadn't slept last night. She huffed when she realized who she had run into and tapped her foot impatiently.
"I was beginning to think you weren't coming today. Your speaking second, Marcus was on time, so he gets to go first, and it starts in five minutes, so I suggest you hurry."
She turned and started for the gymnasium.
I could hear that repulsive laughter behind me, heard it creeping up the corridor like a cancerous cloud, and sped off behind her, not wanting it to catch me.
The gym was packed. The entire senior class had assembled, any excuse to miss first period, and were murmuring quietly in the hard bleachers that had been pulled out for the occasion. As I came in, someone noticed me, and the whispered conversations began again. I heard some snickers, felt their stares, and knew that they knew my shame. My stomach was a roil of angry emotions, my brain was befuddled and unsure of what was real anymore. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, my whole life hanging by a fiber before entirely imploding.
I had no clue how much worse it could get.
"Bout time you showed up, Four Eyes," Marcus said, looking resplendent in a suit and tie that had clearly been tailored for him.
I didn't say anything.
My attention was on the crowd.
I could see the creatures amongst them, whispering and gnashing those perfect teeth against their ears. Some in the back had begun to chuckle, some had already started to laugh. Those further down were still engaged in their own conversation, unaware of what horrors lurked behind them. They just sat in their little peer circles, chatting and living their lives free of this overpowering stress surrounding me like a cloud.
How I envied them.
"Looking at all the votes you're not gonna get, Four Eyes?" Marcus asked, but I continued to ignore him.
As Ms. Cunningham mounted the stage, the laughter had already begun in the back.
She ignored it, opening the proceedings with a little speech before introducing Marcus to scattered applause. Marcus grinned at me, mouthing that I should "watch how it's done", before mounting the podium and starting his speech. He got straight to the point. Students wanted more free periods and fewer assemblies that served no purpose, more pep rallies and car washes, and less information about booster meetings and boring stuff. He said nothing, but he said it well, and he kept it short, so the students would remember it. The applause were scattered again, the laughter in the top row taking on that mechanical sound that made my sanity scream from the depths of my skull.
There were more of them now, the house lights dimming in the dark of the upper bleachers, and the darkness was spreading.
Ms. Cunningham had to call my name several times before I finally stood and made my way to the podium. Marcuses' grinning face welcomed me from the first row, smiling and inviting me to begin my pathetic speech. I had forgotten my papers, my meticulously crafted note cards, but it hardly mattered. I could no more have read them at this point than I could have spoken Russian. From the podium, I could see the black tar monsters crawling over the crowd, working their way down, and bringing an inky darkness with them.
"The student...the student body needs a ...needs a person who will represent them...represent their interests on the council. I feel that…" I heard a rattling of stuttered laughter, and it threw me off even worse, "I feel that I can...I can be…"
My eyes were as big as dinner plates.
They were smiling at me from within the crowd. Their too white teeth were horrifying, their teeth too large for their mouth. How did they contain all those teeth? How did they…
Ms. Cunningham was walking towards me, and I'm not sure if she was trying to save me from the shame of making a fool of myself on stage, or she was angry that I had wasted her time.
Regardless, she only got about halfway across the stage when she smirked and began chuckling.
I watched her, terror written across my face, as she doubled over and began to erupt in wracking gales of full-body laughter. There was laughter behind me too, the torpor becoming a single note of canned and emotionless chuckle as it spilled across throats that were no longer their own. I glanced to the side and saw Marcus doubling up, his fingers dragging over his eyes and cheeks and leaving bloody trails behind. The mob was laughing, their laughter dead and uniform, and I felt my sanity unraveling a strand at a time as I backed away from the crowd.
My foot found open-air, and I felt the wind knocked out of me as I fell from the stage.
Ms. Cunningham was tearing at her clothes as she laughed her life away.
I scooted backward, getting my feet under me and running as that terrible laughter chased me.
It was the kind of laughter you hear bubbling from the windows of an insane asylum.
It's the kind of laughter you hear in Hell.
I ran then, ran until I found a door and barreled through it as the maniac drone chased after me.
I ran until the school doors opened before me, and I was out on the quad, my sneakers making for home.
I ran, the pavement the most substantial thing I had felt all day until I found myself on the porch of my own house.
I banged on the door until my mother opened it, confusion and anger stamped big across her face.
Then I collapsed and didn't come back to reality for the next three days.
When I did, I was in the hospital.
That's where I got the whole story from my bleary-eyed mother, who hadn't left my bedside the entire time I had been here.
Everyone in the gym was dead. The police were calling it a gas leak, and the whole city was mourning the loss of so many young people. The doors had been wedged shut, all but the one I had burst out of. School officials had found everyone inside dead from hyperventilation, including Ms. Cunningham. Some had tried to claw their eyes out, had peeled their faces open, but all had succumbed to this terrible tragedy.
I said nothing. My sister came to visit, apologizing for the way she had hurt me and extremely thankful I had been late that day. My mother was the doting woman I had always wanted. She and my sister were never far from my side, and their attention quickly became claustrophobic, but I soaked it in as long as it lasted.
I would never tell anyone about what had happened that day.
They all assumed that my lateness had led to my safety, and they would never have believed me if I told them the truth.
That was nine years ago. I live on my own now, apartment, girlfriend, mediocre job, the whole experience.
My mom and sister still call to check on me often, my dad his same old ambivalent self, and it's heart heartwarming to have their love after years of feeling like an outcast in my own home.
I felt I had gotten over the event. I felt that it was in my past that I don't often talk about it outside of therapy, and I like to think that it may make me stronger for having lived through it. My girlfriend knows nothing about it, of course. She knows I had something traumatic happen in my past, but she knows I've moved on, and the less I say about it, the better it is for my mental health.
At least, I had gotten over it.
Yesterday I received a letter in the mail.
A letter from my old highschool.
A letter for a Highschool Reunion.
It looked like a postcard, glossy picture on the front, and words on the back, with the banner proclaiming "Welcome Back class of 2010". The front was a picture of the gym as it had been on the day of the event. On the floor was gathered the smiling creatures as they waved and grinned their eternal grins. On the back was written three words that send chills down my spine even now.
"See You Soon."
submitted by Erutious to Erutious [link] [comments]


2020.09.06 20:53 autobuzzfeedbot 30 Intriguing Details And Facts About "I May Destroy You"

  1. Michaela Coel — showrunner, director, writer, and star of the show — wrote 191 drafts of I May Destroy You.
  2. I May Destroy You is a fictionalized version of Michaela's own assault.
  3. Writing the show was difficult for Michaela, who said that she was most likely already dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder. However, her show provided an opportunity to explore consent.
  4. There was a therapist on the set at all times.
  5. Originally, Netflix offered Michaela $1 million for her show, but she would not be allowed to retain any copyright percentage. She attempted to bargain for at least 5% but was shot down.
  6. In the end, BBC offered her full creative control.
  7. When Michaela saw Weruche Opia's audition tape to play Terry, she immediately thought, That's her!
  8. Weruche recalls going through three rounds of auditions to play Terry but walking out of the first audition feeling as if she'd come back from "a really great first date."
  9. Weruche and Michaela eventually became best friends while filming the show.
  10. Michaela was inspired by Netflix's Russian Doll, a show that also deals with repeating trauma, which led to her reaching out to Natasha Lyonne over social media.
  11. She was also inspired by Jordan Peele's Us and Issa Rae's Insecure.
  12. The series title was born two years after Michaela was commissioned to write the show.
  13. There was an intimacy coordinator on the set (Ita O’Brien. who always made sure it was a respectful environment.
  14. If Ita's name sounds familiar, it's probably because she also did intimacy coordination for Sex Education and Normal People.
  15. Weruche says that she had a body double for her intimate scenes because she prefers not to do it.
  16. Paapa Essiedu (Kwame. said that his character was originally written as someone "bigger and louder," but he and Michaela collaborated on creating the Kwame we see in the show.
  17. Paapa agrees that the final version of Kwame he portrays is the more interesting version.
  18. Paapa and Michaela met and became friends at the Guildhall School of Music & Drama.
  19. When Weruche first read the script, she knew it was going to be a special project.
  20. Weruche had to google what an MDMA high was like in order to sell her getting high in one of the scenes in the show.
  21. I May Destroy You touches on many different kinds of consent. Before filming, Weruche had no idea that taking off a condom is classified as sexual assault, continuing on to say that she believes a lot of people might not have known that as well.
  22. The period scene meant a lot to Michaela because the subject is still so taboo, and we never see anything like it on TV.
  23. Michaela's costume designer for I May Destroy You (Lynsey Moore. also did her show Chewing Gum and is the only costumer designer Michaela has worked with.
  24. Michaela confirmed that Bella's cardigan is intentionally symbolic.
  25. Michaela improvised the shot glass song in Episode 3.
  26. Even though the flashback sex scene in Episode 6 might appear seamless, it actually took many start and stops as well as intricate choreography.
  27. Arabella's pink wig in the first episodes was intentionally selected so as not to suit her face or skin color, and as the series progresses, we see the wig deteriorate.
  28. Arabella's costume choices were selected with '90s inspiration but were pulled together to feel timeless.
  29. Kwame's costume choice of wearing faux fur became an accidental motif, representing playfulness as well as a security blanket.
  30. Finally, Michaela thinks that she might work on something a little less personal for her next project.
Link to article
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2020.09.05 13:37 AmbitiousButthole Girl (23F) and I (26M) met "online" says she didn't feel a spark but it sending mixed messages.

Very long story about a girl i'm pretty much falling in love with but she seems either confused at best or manipulative at worst.
Background:
I have friends in Vienna. Occasionally I go to visit them as one of my closest friends is in that friendship group. In this friendship group is Y (24M) and M (25F) who are seeing each other. On my last visit a few months ago which was for Ms birthday party, I met her flatmate, A.
We kind of hit it off that night and I took her insta and her number but I was only there for a few more days. We met on those days also in group settings and on my last night i invited her to the park with Y and M, we smoked a joint and chilled out.
After that we'd been speaking pretty much every single day online, via text, voice notes, voice calls, averaging 60-90 minutes a day for 7 weeks. She asked me to fly back to Vienna if i could to see her and I did so last week. (I think i took a lot of her messages on face value instead of being playful banter like she'd say "i really miss you").
Day 1:
Last week I finally flew there, she's rearranged her entire work week so she's free most of the days that i'm there. I was expecting to meet Y and the airport but as it turned out A surprised me. I was a little shocked and it was unexpected. Now here's the first kicker. As we're heading back to her place so I can drop my things off (I'm staying with Y but he was at work so i planned to pick it up before heading there at the end of the night), she tells me she broke up with her boyfriend 2 hours before i landed. She'd told me over a voice call she'd broken up with him 4 weeks ago just a week prior. So I asked;
Me: You told me you broke up with him over a month ago?
A: Oh yeah well i'd broken up with him emotionally but i hadn't really told him
Me: Okay so when did he find out you were breaking up
A: Oh... yeah today!
Another point to add is that is her only boyfriend ever who she was with for 3 years and she lost her virginity to, the whole shebang.
I probably should have realised I needed to take things slow there and then. The day progresses and we're getting along well, being touchy. At the end of the night we kiss on the bridge I met her the last night of my first visit, she then suggests we find a bench nearby to continue and I oblige. So we're on the bench and she's got her legs on my lap and we're making out hard and she suddenly stops me and says, "sorry this doesn't feel right" so I'm like okay, it's already almost midnight so we head back to hers and i pick my stuff up and go in for a goodnight kiss and she stops me and just gives me a peck on the cheek. I'm like okay whatever and head to Ys.
Day 2:
She texts me in the morning, we meet up and she seems a lot more reserved today. Towards the end of the day she's showing me pictures of her family and friends and i ask her directly "So how did you feel like yesterday went or today is going in general?" and she replies "To be honest I think I see us being more as friends?"
I wasn't particularly happy and we ended the evening rather abruptly I told her to be honest I can't see us being friends as that wasn't what i wanted and she is smiling and saying okay that's fine but i can see that she's also quite upset. In hindsight when I got home I realised how childish I must have seemed especially given the circumstances of her breaking up, although i blame that entirely on her.
Anyway I text her apologising for appearing cold and to give me her email so i can send her a few pictures i sent her. And she replies
A: To be honest I think I've made an impression of a rude girl by saying that, I saw how your eyes became sad, I felt so much bad about it. but I just wanted to be honest with u about how I felt about us, and I only said that right now I feel like we are still friends or that there is more sort of a friendship from my part but I don't know how it can be in future to be honest, I think just we don't really have enough time to get to know each other coz u gonna go anyway. Probably I'm that type of person who just needs more time. And probably u was right by saying that we had high expectations but I think it was ok actually, for the people who didn't know each other before it was good actually. I guess the only problem was that we rushed things, we thought that meeting in real life would be a continuation of our online chats but it's always different. Real life × virtual life. We'll talk tomorrow okay.
Day 3:
So now i'm thinking okay she really just wants to be friends it's fine whatever i'll need to start treating her more like a friend. So we meet up and i tell her about a few of the girls i was speaking to casually one of whom i was sleeping with while we were chatting over the phone for a few months. She says she relatively surprised that i was actually sleeping with someone while we were talking but otherwise appears unfazed. We spend the evening walking around the city and she has her arm around mine and she's sort of stroking it (Maybe i'm reading too much into it but do you do this with friends?) I don't bother making a move because well she seems so unreceptive. There was a point where we were just looking at the river and stood there in silence where i maybe could have but i was so confused at this point.
Day 4:
So we meet up again, i comment on a girl physically and say to A "oh she's cute don't you think?" and she replies "why would you comment on another girl when you're with me?" and i'm like "well we can find a guy for you also?" then i say or do something stupid and she says something along the lines of "aren't you supposed to be the brains of whatever this is/we are?" later we head to her place and watch a film in her room, 365 Days to be specific, I've never seen it before but she has. And she's making comments like "oh shes wearing X lingerie, i'll show you sometime (she works part time in an underwear store)." I'm in my boxers and a top and she's wearing some very tight shorts and a thin top and i'm stroking her arm and stuff and at one point i've playfully got my arm around her neck. So now i'm thinking... does she really see me as a friend or is SHE just confused? Anyway M and Y arrive at the end of the night and i'm tired so we both just leave ASAP and head back to his place. Also i wanted to find the insta profile of the main actress in 365 Days because she was hot and that seemed to annoy her also...
She messages in the taxi;
A: You didn't even hug me goodbye :(:(:( Me: Sorry it was a rush and i completely forgot i was too busy getting my clothes on A: Lol it's fine i'm kidding. :p Me: I had fun though A: I'm sure you did... especially watching Laura! (the main actress) Me: I need to find a decent wallpaper of her for my phone A: sends knife/coffin emojis
Day 5:
I take a day trip to another city and she catches up on her thesis studies etc.
Day 6:
We meet up, and she's cut her hair, much shorter. She asks me what I think. We've discussed this before over text and she knows i preferred her hair longer so i say so and she says "i was hoping you'd think that". So is she deliberately trying to put me off? We head to the theatre after we had tickets for and she wants us to take pictures and stuff. On the way there we have a conversation about us:
A: So i had a long conversation with M about you and she thinks you're, she didn't say good looking but you have a very interesting look, like an actor. Me: Okay, did you discuss anything else? You said it was a long conversation? A: smiles Well we discussed a few concerns i have about us but I would rather not share those.
So now i'm thinking "Wait she's still thinking about us as an us? Why?"
We then go to a bar and get drinks, she's a little tipsy now and she's telling me in great detail about her likes and dislikes sexually what she's really into, what she wants to try etc. (Again do you do this with friend, or a 'friend' who is obviously into you?) We head to a different bar and she pretty much reiterates that she only feels a spark when i touch her but otherwise nothing and she feels like we're rushing it, but she loves spending time with me. I go for a kiss again at the end of the night and she stops me and says "not tonight". I drop her off to hers and Y is there so we head back together and he tells me i've completely fucked up by mentioning the fact i was sleeping with another girl over those two months because that's what she's told M (who then told Y). He also told me she finds me physically attractive there's no issue there but she also finds me a little self centred (i can't deny that point but i thought she was already aware of that).
So now i think fuck maybe i need to apologise for mentioning that, the only reason i did was to say hey i'm really into you but i've been speaking to other girls and they don't even come close, it's not because i'm just bored and you;'re available.
Day 7:
We meet up again, same as usual. Everything is going fine except i'm being a little more myself, less talkative and just trying to be less entertaining because at this point i'm very emotionally drained and i have no idea what she even wants. So she says you seem a little moody today? I sit her down and have a long conversation with her explaining that i'm just an extroverted introvert and the whole week of constantly doing things and the pressure has really exhausted me. She also tells me she's been feeling a lot of pressure and she hasn't really been able to enjoy our time together as a result.
I tell her let's just continue taking things slow and she doesn't need to decide anything, we can continue having calls when i'm back and plan a trip away if she still wants to (She suggested we go away to Spain in October on Day 3 for a week, forgot to mention that) and she says "I'm just worried i know you're a really busy guy and time is valuable to you, what if we spend 6 months talking and travelling and i realise I just want to be friends after all?" I tell her that's a risk i'm willing to take. (I'm falling so hard at this point I'd probably have taken any risk, the rational part of my mind is telling me it's a huge time sink but whatever)
I tell her if she wants to go home that's fine but she insists we go for a long walk. We speak about many things, how she thinks i'd make all the decisions, she's worried because i don't speak Russian and we'd think differently. She thinks she just needs to date, if we'd met in 3 years or if she was still single in 3 years she wouldn't hesitate. It's a case of wrong place wrong time but we can revisit it in the future. Then she suggests the following:
A: Maybe we should just have sex, i think that would help me knowMe: I didn't come all this way for sex and you've only been with one guy, i'm not going to be the second because you're hoping on a hunchA: That's really sweet of you to say
Now she can't stop smiling and i'm just like "Why the fuck am I like this?! I just turned down a home run because i'm besotted"
She also says "I wish you liked my body as much as my mind" and i tell her do you think i don't? And she playfully grabs my butt so i grab hers with both hands and pull her close and tell her she's gorgeous, she smiles and says "let's go get that cab". I'm like fine whatever, again at this point i'm so confused i can't think straight and all decisiveness has left my body. I drop her off and head back. Tomorrows the last day...
Day 8:
I wake up in the morning and at 10am she sends me a message
A: Hey i think we should give today a miss, i think it will be better for the both of usMe: *That's fine, i'm heading to the airport in that case (I know she has work from 12-9 the following 4 days), sorry it wasn't as enjoyable as we were hoping it was but i had fun.*A: Okay. I don't want you to think it was hard for me to be besides you, I also had a lot of fun.
Maybe i should have asked her why as it would have been the last day we'd had together but i was so emotionally drained i was almost grateful and just booked a ticket asap and got out.
Aftermath:
That was literally 2 days ago and we shared some memes together last night and made a few comments but haven't spoken properly. Although she's very busy with work I'm sure I'm not sure how to proceed. I'm very very fond of her but I don't know how to just be friends with her and I still want to pursue something but take it slow and maybe make a move if we travel somewhere together again. But I also haven't confirmed where we're at so i'd like to call her and do that at some point, or do I just go completely platonic and see if I can handle it?
Thanks for reading.
submitted by AmbitiousButthole to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


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